I'm going to do a venting diary ranting thing, because i wake up in the morning with the feeling that i can't face the day because of all the rubbish going around in my head, which is trying to fathom out what the hell has been going on for the past year, with a geezer and him getting back with his misses, and me just not being able to do anything about it, apart from accept it, there is no point in being angry, in doing anything, i just have to realise that i wasted a hell of a lot of energy and emotion and have had my hopes dashed and there is no justice in the world. I wouldn't bloody dare go back to someone if i had cheated on them, but then if you can, i suppose if you are married, and you have someone that thinks that much of you, that you just can do anything and they will have you right back, they sod it, How Special Are they. But then again i would and have had him back after his told me that there is someone special out there for him, and i just listend or get upset, because i am that pathetic, and weak, or is it that i am used to pain, and feel that i can get over these things, because one day he will see sense and know what i know. But then again, how deluded am i, its scarey. I need toforget all about men, but i will be open minded and meet some more, but i am not giving anything of myself again. Physical hurt is one thing, then roll up she hasn't experienced enough emotional hurt recently, lets put her through this one. Tablets are working a bit better, i need to find a way of getting more money together, and i need to keep my house in better order,and eat better. At least i am sleeping well. Nice comfy bed. My kids are brilliant, and i am more than proud of them and how well they have turned out considering what sort of a life they have seen. I am retreating into my own home, and only seeing very few people and in small doses, because i can't keep up with the frantic pace that everyone else seems to be running around at. I am a bit bored but then i have stuff to do here, like chores and getting on with household stuff. i know i am rambling but i think if i just try and get it out then maybe the stuff will clear out of my head, i'm not writing this for anyone to read, its automatic, and so you can't think about what your putting into it, because that defeats the object. Going out seems to be a waste of money but i have to do it a bit, maybe in small doses and i don't expect anything, which is best. I am really bloody bored. but maybe i should do a free course a suffolk college. as i am just on income support and they pay for the fees. i need to fill in the discretionary housing benefit form, to see if i can move house into the lovely semi just up the road, because although today this house does feel all nice and cosy and like a nice little home, it is a bit too small, and the windows are still nailed down, and the psycho woman still lives just up the road, and her daughter upset my daughter today, and then we will have to see and hear them over the summer holidays. i hope i manage to get my concentration back together, because its been shot to bits lately. Still at least i  have been able to feel happier for longer, and even littler things are feeling better. Starting to appreciate the help that i get, and not feel like everyone is out to back stab me. But then its easier to feel like that when you are spending a lot of time on your own, which is necessary at the moment. go back with your wife. Forget that i propped you up for the past year when ever you needed it. and how depressed she made you when she went off with someone else and how paranoid you were, i was there to help and i liked to be able to, and you did repay me by or left me feeling like what the hell was that all about. i am not stupid or dense, but i obviously am not clever in the ways of men and how they act and how to get them to do what you want them to do, like devious women that seem to be able to get them to jump when ever they say jump. I don't care, sod it all. i will be ok, i don't want one at the moment anyway. I will re-read my book, and re-write the whole thing in positive after the jumbled up rubbish comes out. Getting better.