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| | From:  paddybound (Original Message) | Sent: 3/18/2007 10:57 PM |
O.K SOMETIMES I FORGET TO LAUGH.......WELL HERE IS small COLLECTION OF MY JOKES.......MOST ARE JUST AVERAGE FUNNY NON OFFENSIVE, HOWEVER THERE MAYBE A FEW THAT ERR SLIGHTLY ON THE CRUDE SIDE.. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED NOW DECIDE IF YOU WISH TO ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF LAUGHTER BY SCROLLING DOWN. 
 O.K THINK I'VE WASTED ENUFF SPACE TO GIVE YOU TIME TO BACK OUT.......
CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car gets exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick goes hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day gets no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
.................................................................................
THE TRUTH
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
.......................................................
THE PERFECT ANSWER
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the
bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man
was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son
...................................................................................
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart.
........................................................................
A LOVE LETTER
I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU�?BR>
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU..
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...BEG FOR ME TO STOP.
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN 'M FINISHED WITH YOU.
I
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE.
THE FLU
......................................................................................
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing
long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit
mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bath mat. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way,
shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique
in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands
and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds
in the shower .Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower.
Avoid bath mat. Dry off forearms and butt only Fail to notice water on
floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Shake it to watch water fly off. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind
this, there is something so very wrong with you. Have a great day! And,
"woo woo"!!!
.....................................................................................
THAT DARN CAT
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away "stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
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CHRIS , THANK YOU ,  |
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