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| | | From: Bobbie (Original Message) | Sent: 3/19/2007 7:30 PM |
Without the details, which I can't remember much anyway. Mom divorced my dad when I was two. Married James. James used me as his own private sex toy. So did his two brothers. Untill I was 14 (?) Mom knew, but didn't stop it, or even acknowledge it. I know I told her about it once, but she said that she didn't believe a 5 yr old. I met my biological dad when I was 16. He used me, too. I didn't know any better. He was the first person that ever told me that it was wrong. And it didn't stop him either. His wife tried to kill me with a butcher knife when she found out. My mom said a 16 yr old should know better. I said, "Right, but a 16 yr old has to be Taught better, first". That's the only conversation we ever had about it. I have been married n divorced 9 times. Love and pain are the same thing to me, so when someone started getting too close, I'd run. I've been married this time for 10 yrs. I've been unfaithful several times, he knows that. We have no sex life, because he is passive, and so am I. He wants me to be the aggressive one, and I can't be. I can only enjoy sex if it is semi-forced upon me. Right now, I find the whole thought of it rather disgusting. I used to be addicted to it. I have been diagnosed as being bi-polar, with ptss. I have been self destructive all of my life, but didn't know it till I got older and started researching the subject of child abuse. I don't remember much about my child hood, it was stolen from me. But, unfortuantely, I do remember the feelings of pain, loneliness, terror. I remember waiting till we were sitting down at a meal to go to the bathroom, because that was the one time it was fairly safe. I remember hiding under my bed. I remember fighting back finally, when I was around 13 or so. Almost kicked my step dad down a flight of stairs. I actually wanted to kill him! I remember celebrating when mom told me he had died. Mom and I started getting close just before she died 11 yrs ago, but we were never like mother and daughter. I have two kids of my own. I couldn't raise them. I didn't know how, and was afraid of them. My dd is married now with 3 of her own kids, and we are really close. My son n I used to be close until he got married, and withdrew into his own world. But, I keep in touch w him That's my story, the fairly short version, minus a few details. |
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MY DEAR BOBBIE , I,M NOT SUPRISSED YOU CAN,T REMEMBER MUCH, SOOOO MUCH PAIN, NO GUIDANCE , NOT THINKING ANY ADULT COULD BE TRUSTED, LOVE THERE IS FAR TOO MUCH PAIN , HERE FOR ME TO GO INTO DEPTH, WE WILL WORK ON IT AS YOU FEEL BIT BY BIT, .....BUT ... I DO FEEL NOW THE 1ST THING IS TO BUILD UP YOUR TRUST, YOU HAVE ...SURVIVED.... THAT SHOWS THE COURAGE , AND DETERMINATION WITHIN YOU, SO LETS TAKE IT FROM TODAY , LETS CONCENTRATE ON WHAT YOU DO GET PLEASURE FROM, TELL US , YOU HAVE TAKEN SUCH A BRAVE STEP WITH THIS MAIL , AS FOR THE SEX BIT , THAT,S ALL YOU KNOW , SO LETS BULD UP THE PERSON YOU ARE NOW, THEN WORK BACKWARDS XXXXRUSTY |
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BOBBIE , OUR DIANNE , MAY BE A NEWISH ... MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY, BUT SHE,S LOVELY, NOW I REALISE , BEING BI-POLAR , YOU HAVE GOOD AND BAD DAYS , BUT ON A GOOD DAY TAKE A LOOK IN OUR WORKSHOP, ALSO , HOW ABOUT , STARTING A DIARY, IN OUR NEW DIARY BOARD, RECORD , IT WHEN THE UPSETTING BITS COME TO MIND , THAT,S THE IDEA OF THE DIARY , WE CAN ALL THEN HELP EACH OTHER ON OUR BAD DAYS , HUGS AND LOVE RUSTY |
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