i cant say this out loud but i need to get it out its destroying me. I am petrified atthe thought of the future what my son will grow to b, i pray every night that he doesnt turn out like his father. and im so scared that he ll turn against me when im older because of all thats happened and he wont understand i dont know how ill explain mommy put daddy in jail (if hes found guilty at court in 2 wks) will he hold it against me? will he blame me? will my x's family turn my own son against me? oh this is eating me up inside i know i did the right thing by leaving but the guilt is so overpowering! how do i recover from this? i see no light! its all just a big dark nasty mess! and the worst thing that i actually hate myself for is that i still love my x! WHY???? why do i after all he s put me threw whats wrong with me??? and i feel sorry for him and guilty of what im putting him threw WHY????? and if he goes to prison ill feel even worse!!!
I hate myself right now, for putting Leighton threw all of this, my mom, my sister and everyone else whos tryed to help mayb i should have just stayed there, stuck it out, then only id b unhappy and everyone else wuld be ok. Im so confused right now i dont know whats for the best and what isnt! i really want to belive what he says to me about changing and that i could have the happy life i always dreamed of, but i cant and that hurts so much. Idont know how much more hurt i can take right now. I need to hide, disappear, go where no one can find me and then it might all go away, but i doubt it with my luck. i just need my brain to stop thinking even for five minutes so i can get some peace. just to switch off the emotions would b heaven just so i can feel nothing!
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