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| | From:  Hoffjob64 (Original Message) | Sent: 5/3/2006 1:43 PM |
Well for the past two months I've sat here and thought should I write this, and I know as soon as I've pressed send message I'll think what have I done. This will make me sound so pethetic and thats how I feel at the moment. Before Christmas I went on the computer to order Kids presents and saw an icon in the corner of screen, I clicked on to it, to find a dating site my husband had joined. (we've been together 16 yrs). My world fell apart, but I couldn't stop myself reading all the sleaze he wrote to other women. Trying to arrange a meet for sex. God he sounded so desperate for it. So pathetic. All I could do for days was be sick, I couldn't eat and started smoking again. The pain was unbearable. After a couple of days I let him come home. A week later he got an email from another dating site saying he'd got mail. I checked it out, he hadn't used it since before I first found out. I asked him about it and he cancelled his membership in front of me. You think thats it, oh no not my hubby (who says he loves me more than anything) Week before Chrissy he gets drunk, empties his pockets onto the dressing table, the following day I pick up a piece of paper, on it his new user name and password, plus his new email dress and password. Was there no stopping this guy, I guess not !!He'd rejoined the first one. By this time I couldn't stop myself from checking his every movement. He'd had his phone bill put on line so I wouldn't know what he was upto. I kept this 3rd one to myself till after xmas, I couldn't bear to put the kids through any more hurt. And yes stupid idiot here still stayed with him. Of course according to him and all his lies, I'm the one thats paranoid, its all in my mind and I'm making everything worse than what it is. Hows this one for a laugh, we're both members of Pogo a game site. He's addicted to chat, especially with women. He was giving his email addy to one (one that likes making sexual comments to him while they're chatting of course). I asked him not to, I don't want him emailing other women after what he did to me. but of couse he said I was just being stupid again. She emailed him so I did something I shouldn't have, I deleted it before he could read it. (naughty girl). Then I did something else I shouldn't have I went on to pogo and read his mail on there. He'd sent her a new email address to write to him ( a new one of course that I don't know about). So in temper I sent him one saying can I send mail to you at this address aswell. Yes I also managed to get into the new email account aswell, he's also writing to another women, of course there'll be nothing in it (yet). He hadn't saved sent messages but he had 2 in the inbox, apparently "yes she would like to meet if he was ever her way" I know I shouldn't check up on him, but I can't stop myself. Every little thing he does behind my back I can't stop reading things into it. I'm going crazy here and don't know what to do. Tonight when he gets in from work I'll get the usual " you don't trust me, there's no point us being together if you don't trust me, your paranoid, I've had enough of you checking on me etc. etc etc. Oh yes it'll be all in my head again. Then I'll get the sorries, I love you, can we start again, etc. etc. etc." I know I sound pathetic and today thats how I feel, but I just had to tell somebody, had to get it off my chest. Just keep thinking why does he need to chat to other women. He knows how much he hurt me so why does he keep doing it. Now I'm going to press the send button before I change my mind. I love you guys and I know you'll be there for me. THANKYOU |
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Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
Please dont think you are the only one going through this, you are not.
Its an ego thing with men, they cant help themselves, ive been and to a certain degree am still going through exactly what you are, although up til now its all been online, and i hasten to add with a web cam thrown in for good measure.
They dont realise what it does to us, how can they as far as they are concerned its just chat.
So ive learned to live with it, i just put it down to mid life crisis, along with the many pictures of porn that is on his machine, that i hasten to add he tried to hide from me.
I dont care anymore what he does online, its like a fantasy world to them, and only that, a fantasy, if they met any of these women in real life they would run a mile. I know cos ive asked him.
So no you are not paranoid, and yes ive done, in the past, the same as you, checked his e mails n stuff.
But at the end of it all. hes here with me, hes not going anywhere, so i trust in my own judgement that hes not lying to me.
Of course its up to you where you take it from here, but in my opinion and in my experience, just let him get on with it, its his fantasy, and only that a fantasy.
Take care and think about it well before you act.
Sue |
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Thankyou for your reply Sue. I guess I'm not as strong as you, I don't think I can carry on brushing this under the carpet and pretending its not happening. To me if you love someone you'd never do anything that you knowingly would hurt them. This hurts, alot. I still don't know want I want to do about it all. He got the mail i sent him and phoned me this dinnertime, his excuse, "its not my email addy' I set it up for a bloke at work, honest." Guess this bloke has the same name as him, address, date off birth and all the other details he put in, and doesn't mind him giving it out to women. I just wish he'd be a man and tell the truth, until he does I can't trust him. |
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He sounds like a f**kin t*sser, sorry but my ex used to do this, with the webcam, and denying me sex at the same time, it was one of the worst periods of my life, I don't think things would get better, its complete disrespect. Don't you think we should be firm, and say enough is enough, if you are so sex mad, to throw a good long proper relationship away for a quick buzz, then none of them are worth it. I don't know where it is going to end, because I can't see that any of them are worth being with properly and have just about come to the conclusion that the only thing they are of use for is a shag, then (it is early days....everything seems rosy) I meet Joe, who tells me, he can take or leave sex, he just likes to spend time!! I am glad I don't have someone telling me i'm paranoid, or crazy for reacting to when i see him chat up women infront of me. I would really rather have the peace (and that is with 2 young kids to look after) and sanity of choosing carefully what load of rubbish to keep in my life (and that's none of it). Kick him out, tell him his a worthless shit. Shut the door and enjoy your life. |
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| | | From: aboora5 | Sent: 5/3/2006 9:37 PM |
oh im so sorry hoff that you are going through such a bad time. I put up with the lies, excuses, torments for years. Even got accused myself of being paranoid time after time. Eventually though, and for some unknown reason you can continue living in this doubt, until one day you will snap. Why should you have to put up with it. Be firm lady, stand your ground. Please don't let him undermine you. Honesty begins at home, and if its not there, well you have to sit down and have a good hard think about your future. We go round and round in this vicious circle of mens lies and deceit. Stop him right in his tracks , confront him thats what i say. You can't go on living like this. Think it through!!!!! Your a woman who commands respect!!!! I don't think your husband is showing much of that at the moment. Good luck and i will pray for you. Love Aboora xx |
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i am thinking very deeply, could i put up with all this , ? other women , porn, being told i,m paranoid? no i truly don,t believe i could, ...yes... i would be very scared, terrified.......but..... is this in truth not abuse? to have our intellegence mocked, being made to feel somehow 2nd best, to me all of this speaks of the worst sort of emoitional abuse, i realise you may both dislike me for my words, i,m sorry , i truly love you both, and no i,m not taking the high moral ground.... i,m simply being a observer, ..what i see are 2 highly intelegent women, (with a huge capacity for love)being put backwards, to me it would be so easy for us to do as they are, fantasise , then try to convince us we are , paranoid in objecting.... ok , i,m paranoid, because.... i truly think i,m a fairly good person, who deserves , respect, honesty and the integrity i give to others , given to me.... i,m so sorry my dear friends, (thats no bs.)but i feel you both deserve better, ask yourselves please, would you manipulate , all in pow , or each other in this way?? please please , i beg you from the heart , do not lose , the .....you.... you have found.face this, give options, draw up the line you are not prepared to allow in letting any one cross, in order to save the "real" you, the ones i know, women of pride (this is chipping away at that) women of strength, now think back to your past, all the terrible things you endured, are you realy willing , to become that person , in that suffering condition again,......please i beg you both forgive my words , i speak only because of the love i hold for you, hate me if you like .......but,,,,,,please don,t lose again the woen i knew. rusty |
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Rusty,
Im not lost and never will be, the fact that i know about him and that hes come to terms with the fact that its not secret anymore gives me the strength to bear this, it has become more of a joke between us rather than something else between us.
And to be honest if he has to feed his ego, id rather he did it online than go out and find other women in the flesh so to speak.
Its not every day its just now n then, thankfully, but as i said before, he is always there for me and always comes home to me, knowing its not a physical thing , but a fantasy thing, helps me so much
For now i will endure it but if it looks like getting out of hand then i will do something about it.
But im still me, he wont take that away or undermine me in any .
I do what i do from choice, not because im being made to do it.
Sue
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Thankyou guys for your replies, and thankyou Rusty for being tough, thats what I need, I don't want to be tip-toed round, that wouldn't help me at all. True friends are honest with you and thats what you all are. What am I going to do? I still don't know yet. I got to think long and hard before I decide. What I do know is, am I going to continue putting up with this crap,? NO. My husband is a big headed, self centred, selfish prick, who puts his ego before me and the kids. He doesn't care about the hurt he's causing not only me, but the kids too. I layed in bed last night listening to the click of the computer keys as he merrily chatted away (heaven forbid marital problems might interfer with his chat) and I thought do I love him enough to put up with this, and I realised I don't love him enough anymore, not to take this shit. He told me he was getting rid of the computer, I told him the computers not the problem, its what he does on it that is. He told me he'd leave if I didn't trust him, I told him please yourself. He told me he was going to put the house up for sale, I told him I didn't give a shit any more, I'll start looking for somewhere else to live. He told me he's not doing anything wrong, I told him there's more than one way of being unfaithful and if you know you're hurting somebody, then its wrong. He's gone to work, thank god, I don't want him any where near me at the moment. Rusty, a question for you,,,,,, I could be about to lose my marriage, my home and everything else, so why on earth am I thinking possitive today. |
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Because you have finally decided that you have had enough and you are doing something about it.
Its like a weight lifted from you.
Good luck with it all, and I hope it all works out, Still here if you need us.
Sue |
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((((my bev))) i wish i could hug you, ..ok ..... 1st to me , you are feeling positive....because...... you are doing the most important thing we can do in life, ....being true to yourself.....you are being honest about your feelings , they are notin some dark corner festering, i,m soooo proud of you, ....to me... you hit the nail on the head!!!! when you said there are more than one way of being unfaithful, my feeling here is he is fully aware of what he has done, what has made me angry, is his failure to take responsability for his own actions, .. and then trying to salve his concience by trying to make you think your paranoid,(this is called "putting the monkey on your back")why am i angry ??? because i had it done to me ??it diminishes you as a person,...... (((bev)) love what you do ultimately is up to you, but ....i will say this.... let the 1st shock pass.... then you can decide calmly and rationaly, whatever you do we are here for you, my offer of a 1 to 1 , is there if you need me, all i ask , is that you , be true to you, and don,t put up with 2nd best, if you do you will spend the rest of your life tip toeing round, him, afraid to express yourself honestly, maybe this question needs to be asked?are you willing to accept this, and spend the rest of your life afraid to be honest , in case you lose him, if so again to me that,s not love, but fear and the need to have any man with you aslong as he,s there, but that,s only my feelings , how i tend to react..... beloved , the choice of your life is yours, all we can do is be there for you, whatever the decision..... i truly love you bev, no bs .... rusty |
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