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<NDN names... Body: A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief
and medicine man of the tribe, "Father, why is it that we
always have long names, while the white men have shorter
names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"
His father replied, "My son, our names represent a symbol,
a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men,
who live all together and repeat their names from
generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup
that in spite of everything, we survive."
"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon
Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there
was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake."
"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the
Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white
horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared
near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and
the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy
to understand."
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom
Made in China?"
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Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Haha...If you think this is funny, repost it with the "Why Parents Drink"
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Three Native men... Body: Three Natives men were hiking through Wheatfield's forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river called...Chinle Wash.
Needing to get to the other side, the first Apache guy prayed: "Holy Man.., please give me the strength to cross the wash/river."
Poof!.....his Holy Man gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second Zuni Pueblo man prayed: "Shaman, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"
Poof!......the Shaman gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man, A Navajo Hastiin Maverick prayed: "Diyin Shi' God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"
Poof!.....Hastiin Maverick was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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The Kitchen Bitch... Body: THE KITCHEN BITCH
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now . . Cause this is the last stop! And all of you Sons Of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going on down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
& nbsp;
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers please remember your things, thank you and we hope your trip was a pleasant one. We also hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue . . "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen
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Ladies Restroom.... Body: A Visit To The Ladies Restroom
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted.. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
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A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
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Just a little Flab... Body: LITTLE FLAB !!
One morning while making breakfast,
A man walked up to his wife,
Pinched her on the butt and said....
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
Your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable,
She kept silent.
The next morning,
The man woke his wife with
A pinch on each of her breasts
And said....
"You know, if you firmed these up,
We could get rid of your bra."
This was Beyond A silent response...
So she rolled over And Grabbed him By his
'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, She said...
"You know, If you Firmed this up,
We could Get rid of
The gardener ,
The postman,
The pool man
And
Your brother!"
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Disorder in the American Courts...
Body: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
*****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
*****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
***************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
*****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
*****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
*****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
*****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
****************************************************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
****************************************************************************************************
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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