Hi Lis I am new to this site and as I read your story my heart breaks for you I am so so sorry for you loss of Benny he is in heaven now and he looks down at you everyday and loves you very much.I also have a Benjamin but we called him Benji and as got to be older he was called Benn with a double n cause his dad went by Ben it is such a strong name so my Benji and your benny are in heaven now and I am sure he sits with my Benji.And please do say you killed him that made me cry you did not mean to do that it was an accident.Never ever blame or shame yourself ok we come to this earth school to learn lesson and when we are done we are called home so young some old some inbetween but we all leave Benny just left sooner than one would hope but we need baby angels too they are the rainbow in heaven no pot of gold as in money at the end of a rainbow but sweet angels coloring so that we know one day we shall see them again when we reach the end of the rainbow.Whispy(Susan)