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Hey Brian! I'm 23 as well. I'm in Melbourne, Australia. Only been using H for a very short time though. Mostly burn the stuff - I'm such an uncoordinated loser that I can't fix myself. Every time I want a shot, I have to get one of my friends to do it - pretty sad huh? To answer your questions, this site is full of people at different stages of the heroin path. For example, I came here some time ago when I was really curious about heroin and I asked these guys for their opinion. Right from the word 'go' i could tell that people on this board would give me their honest opinion and wouldn't bullshit me. However my temper got in the way of things and I retreated for awhile.
Now I AM a user, but am not a heroin addict. I have come back to this site b/c I need some guidance from more experienced people. The sort of wisdom these guys have is very difficult to find elsewhere - I find that when the word 'heroin' is mentioned, even the most intellegent, rational person will flip right out and start feeding me bollocks about turning into an addict and having to prostitute myself for my next fix etc etc (neither of which has happened, mind you).
Take care, C |
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| | | From: Indigo | Sent: 3/3/2005 5:28 PM |
Hiya Carb -- Don't think you're that unique as far as having to get others to hit you up---I think most of us went through that stage until more was required of us--Necessity is the Mother of Invention--Also, it can take awhile before we start doing stuff that wasn't part of our nature-eg.-lying--stealing--scamming--dealing--turning tricks etc---Everyone ends up finding their way of coming up with the $$ required to fuel a daily habit---I'm 54 years (male) & I've never turned a trick (I probably would have if I'd been a girl.) Anyways, I'm not trying to lecture or scare you straight--I'm just telling you what I've experienced in my own 38 years of addiction to heroin & what I saw happen to my fellow users---It can take different amounts of time to hit these depths depending on ones personality, living conditions & legal access to $$.. It sounds like you're at the very very early stage of expermentation with opiates--I hope its just a short phase for you cause it rarely(never) ends well if you sign up for the daily ritual of heroin addiction.. So buyer beware & in the meantime be careful & enjoy this phase (its the only fun one IMO)...I wish I would have gotten out of the heroin world after a few years--Believe me, I didn't start out with the intention of devoting my life to this stuff--it just happened! Today I live fairly well thanks to methadone & I'm far too fearful of ever getting off of the juice(methadone) cause I KNOW I'd go back to full time H addiction & die or go to jail for a long time.............later Carb---indigo |
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Let's see.....do I still use.....well.....
the way I would put it, if I were to answer honestly, is that yes, I use occasionally - I still have a somewhat open mind about drugs, even though the shit damn near killed me and may be the death of me yet. I still don't think everyone who tries heroin is doomed to eternal hell or even addiction, and I've known a few, very few, people who can actually chip and it never goes past that for them. They are like the skinny people you see who can eat like a horse but never gain a pound, your so damn happy for them you'd like to kill them.
For me though, drug addiction became a very definite problem within the first couple of years of use. For a long time I refused to accept that I just couldn’t handle it, and I was adamant about being able to use casually and occasionally. It eventually became impossible to deny.
I went the 12-step route for awhile - and was pretty much into the religion of recovery and the theology of pop psychology, Saints John Bradshaw, Scott Peck, et. al. –but behavior modification and abstinence based recovery modalities were ultimately just 'not me' somehow - I constantly felt like I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. The 12-step movement is not without its merit, and I think it's great for many people - however I'm finally ready to admit that for me, nothing comes even close to the success attainable through methadone. Methadone satisfies the craving for me, so that for once in my life I'm not hell bent on getting something 'right' in my brain chemistry - on methadone I'm no longer tempted to drink (which by the way I don't think it's a complete coincidence that I never drank alcoholically until after 12-steps, where I 'learned' that I was an alcoholic). In spite of what I hear anti-methadone people say, in spite of what I myself have said in the past, I currently do find ‘better living through chemistry�?as they say, especially now that I’ve really given all the options available to me a solid try.
For years, and even now to a small degree, I missed the heroin high, I missed the aspect of it that's absent from being a methadone patient, but I went at my maintenance with a healthy dose of acceptance this time, and instead of worrying about my dose being 'too high' I gave myself a solid chance, and steadfastly raised my dose every time I got a craving - against the wishes of the klinic- but in accordance with the more liberal outlook of 'adequate dosing' protocol. I found that eventually, my dose was so high, that two hundred dollars worth of dope would barely be felt - this became the reason why using street bought dope would eventually become just not worth the money. I am not at all ashamed to say that I now look forward to my dose, I don't get 'high' but it feels good, it's like a relief when I take it, and there is no shame that I'm dependant on it. Physical dependence is not exactly the same as addiction, and learning the fundamentals of harm reduction has been another enlightening concept that I owe my most recent success to. (The fundamental difference between dependence and addiction is the compulsive behavior, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addiction ) For the first time in my life my use is truly controlled. (I use about 2-3 times a year right now at the most, if I have the money I may treat myself to an occasional fix, but with the increases in my dose, the decrease in my use of illicit drugs, I am beginning to lose connections and get stuck with having to pay extra to have another junky cop for me, or risk getting ripped off until I establish a new connect. Buying heroin never has been quite like going to Wal-Mart, at least not in Texas, - I know where to look but if I haven't used in six months that’s a long ass time - a connection I had six months ago could be dead, in jail, or still dealing but using a different telephone number. These guys can be hard to keep up with when you're no longer using everyday. Little by little using actually looses its attraction, and the methadone actually becomes more enjoyable, even my preferred drug of choice.
Now my life is so normal it's almost disgusting. I work everyday and usually without any dramatic tragedies (those used to typically be bi-weekly occurrences). I pay most of my bills on time. I take can classes, be a good reliable little employee hell I even do volunteer work. My little secret is that little pink juice that I drink everyday. When I think of all the deep dark secrets people keep, including those that I've kept, the fact that I'm a methadone patient and that I need to take my medicine everyday seems to be little more than a harmless habit in comparison - it's only because of the stigma attached to it that I keep it as such a protected secret. I think just as clearly as I ever did, in fact with more clarity because I'm no longer distracted with the consuming addiction. There were times when I was clean, don't get me wrong, but even clean it's like you have a disease in remission that is literally like a ticking time bomb - maybe it didn't always start out to pervade every thought and action, but it always ENDED UP that way. Now, I feel like I'm getting my life together, I'm growing and learning as a person, I'm taking responsibility for my life, I'm making progress in so many areas, my issues are the same as they’ve always been, but I have more of a chance to work on them now, I don’t have all the junky bullshit going on.
So it would be next to impossible for me to say I’ll never use, so far I always have this feeling that I’ll always use, and I’ll always be a junky. It’s almost as if it were a race or form of identity, and perhaps in some ways, I latched on to ‘being�?a ‘junky�?in order to HAVE an identity�?I really don’t know �?what I do know is that the shit is expensive, illegal, it’s getting hard to find any good veins and believe it or not, as much as I loved that shit, there’s more to life, and thanks to Dole and Nyswander I’m able to enjoy it.
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| | | From: Indigo | Sent: 3/15/2005 5:03 AM |
JunkYard -- Boy could I relate to where you're at & your feeling of gratitude for methadone...I know I'd be in very bad shape or dead if not for the juice---I'm a big believer in Harm Reduction--not everyone can do the total abstinence trip--different brain chemistry or whatever seems to make it a losing battle trying for abstinence--Like you said, "trying to fit a square peg in a round hole---I also still use a few times a year but the daily active addiction no longer is part of my life... Thank you for your blunt honesty & good luck....... |
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| | From:  spunjz | Sent: 3/15/2005 1:56 PM |
| brian you sound like the kind of guy that is proud to have a habit,you think its smart eh? |
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hey junk where do you live in Texas? I live in Denton. North of Dallas. just curious... |
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Yeah, I know where Denton is, I've been there before - I live in Austin, Texas. I'm sure you know about Austin, the State Capitol, UT, Willie Nelson, whatever else we're 'famous' for. Not exactly famous for heroin but it didn't take me too long to find it anyway. I initially came here as part of a 'geographical' cure attempt but I soon learned that us junkies seem to be able to find it no matter where we are. I've since then proved that theory, and have managed to get and keep habits going in the strangest and most impossible of places. I guess considering all the places I've copped Austin is certainly not the strangest. Take care khristol, it was nice to "meet" you and I wish you the best - ugh.....I'm about to be evicted right now so ummm.....wish me the best....I need all the good luck vibes/thoughts and prayers you and/or anyone can throw my way - I'll do the same! Positive Vibration/peace |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 13 of 20 in Discussion |
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I still do but pretend I don't.In other words use, stay off 'clean pee test, get methadone ( maintainance I call it ), run out ,use til either I run out of money or fronts.....first time I have wriiten here I saw your post and had to answer its why I came here in the first place....I want to meet still are rather than no longers...Went on a run last nite ...might tonite if I can find money or a front..... |
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if it is so important if anyone uses maybe you should look at why you posted this question!!!!! if you want to met like minded dealers start a site called drugs for sale im sure you'll get justification for your own addiction there!!!!!! most addicts i know wouldnt be arse typing in messages while in active addiction, to busy gouching or they would have sold there comps, people here do use,people all over this planet use so rest assured you dont & wont have to feel so alone ever again, john |
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god, junkyard....you sure have a way with words. I can relate to every thing. Will you marry me? !!! (lol) luv, sue |
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Oh yeah......... Brian, yes I still use. I happen to live with a heroin addict who doesn't have a car....and wont go on methadone. And I happen to care about this person. SO sometimes when he needs a ride I'm the one and I just cant seem to NOT shoot up when I go to all the trouble of copping and driving and knowing. If ya know what i mean? But I barely feel it cause of the meth. SO anyways, like you, Brian, I've been using since I was about 17 also. . I'm 50 now. Do you think you'll still be using when your my age? luv, sue ps: keep writing, this place is awesome. I swear you'll learn stuff. |
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| | | From: Indigo | Sent: 7/6/2005 4:50 PM |
Brian -- I too am still using junk--But instead of shooting up 3 or 4 times a day, I'm now on methadone & I shoot up about once every 6 to 8 weeks...I'll be 55 in August & I started at age 16...I just seem to be a victim of "The 7 Week Itch"--lol--To each his own.. PS--I never shoot up more then for ONE day & NEVER before a month between using again---I couldn't do this without methadone as a safety net--btw, I've been on this routine for about 5 years with no binges or runs..Kids, don't try this at home--We each have to do what works for us.. |
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| | | From: Indigo | Sent: 8/6/2005 4:07 PM |
I'm 55 years old & I started using at age 15 & I used almost everyday till I was in my mid to late 40s--These days I'm on methadone but I still use about every six weeks or so----I think that most people on this site either don't use anymore or are on methadone---thats why they post regularly--Think about it! If one is a daily heroin addict they probably don't have posting on HoH as one of their priorities--but don't kid yourself totally, there are plenty of active junkies here lurking quietly & sporadically posting--You're not alone & you're not the last active junkie in the world--Good Luck & keep posting... |
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| | | From: blusky | Sent: 7/8/2006 5:24 PM |
Yip im afaid i do use. Ive been on gear for 6yrs now & have just started usin this site. I thought most folk usin the site would use but obviously not. Do you plan on stoppin? I hope to get motivation from others as i cant seem 2 ever totally get clean. Any advice. |
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I don't get why any one thats danced with the devil would restart the tango. I often wonder what would happen if some one dropped a pac in my pouch - to smart to use or to greedy to pass? Here's hoping I never find out. Here's hoping you live long enough to wonder. |
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