I really hate this. I had to lie to my boss and the temp agency the other day. See, you know I am bipolar, and I have to take off work for doctor appointments every three weeks. I really should go more often than that, but the doctor thinks I am doing pretty well. Anyway, I didnt want my manager to think I had an attendance problem and send me back to the agency, so I let him believe that my therapy sessions are physical therapy rather than mental, which it is. I really hate that I had to do that. I really hate that I can't just say I am bipolar and tell the truth about my doctor. The reason I cannot do this is because there is still a stigma about this disorder and others like it, and I am afraid that my manager or the agency will judge me based on that information only. I have had people do this before, judge me based on that and not on my performance or other things more important.
Honestly, the bipolar doesnt affect me all that much. I am on meds and doing very well on them-I haven't had any sort of episodes (freaking out over tiny things, staying up all night for no good reason, crying for no reason) for several months now. It is just the fact that I have this illness that I wish I could tell people who need to know. I don't mind telling other people (like today, I mentioned it because a girl told me she had a similar disorder), but I do not want my managers to know because of the stigma The reality is that I don't think my managers are the kind of people to judge, but still. I have had a lot of people judge me, particularly religious people. I am Christian myself, but when some types of Christians find out I have an illness, they seem to think I did something to bring it on myself, or that I can just get myself out of it. They seem to think that if I were only closer to God and had enough faith, I would be well. That is a load of crap, because part of life is the fact that human beings are fallen creatures with fallen bodies that have the problems any fallen being would. I know that God didn't intend for people to have to get sick or die, but because of the Fall that is what has happened. But even if that story isn't true, my faith in God doesn't change the fact that I have bipolar. I think that He does everything for a reason, and maybe He allowed me to get sick for a reason. It is like how Jesus was asked about a blind man 'who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' Jesus told them that sin had nothing to do with it, that the man was made the way he was so that God's glory could be shown through him. Then He healed the man.
I think of that story and think of my illness and wonder if perhaps He allowed me to have the problems I do for a reason. My mother was depressive, and she was a great resource to me and my sister ( also bipolar), and maybe God did that on purpose. Maybe He intends to heal me through medicine or something else so that I can encourage others, or maybe He made me depressive so I could learn to be more compassionate to other people. I, for one, think that shows more trust in God and His power than simply believing and rationalizing away my problems the way my ex and his family did, or the people who have judged me do. Believing isnt a problem at all but I find it very discompassionate when people imply that I am the way I am because of some sin on my ( or my parents') part, or because of a lack of faith on my part. It seems that they think that, by 'diagnosing' me this way, they get out of having to help me. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.
Well enough rambling. It is almost time to go to bed anyway.
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