What is Bipolar Disorder     Bipolar affective disorder, formerly known as manic-depression, is an hereditary mood disorder-a mental illness which has a neurobiological basis, and is probably caused by irregularities in chromosomes 18 and or 21.It is not a series of character flaws.It is not a ploy for attention.It is not a lack of desire for the hormone. Bipolar disorder is a cruel fluke of nature that creates havoc in the lives of those who have the illness, and upon those whose lives they touch.This is why I call it a Demon as in the biblical sense, it is something that has took hold of me against my will. These are some of the effects of bipolar disorder on my life. While my experiences are fairly consistent with most of what I've read about this mood disorder, each individual will experience their own unique set of symptoms, and levels of severity.     THE BUTTERFLY I'm a forty-seven year old women who has been diagnosed with bipolar1.My depressions are profoundly deep, and I have moderately severe manic attacks.I was initially diagnosed when I was 35. Although bipolar disorder can be successfully treated with medication, I've been fairly successful maintaing a middle ground, although for the past two years I've trouble maintaining this middle ground. Most of the time, I'm either manic, depressed, or both simultaneously.I am also a "rapid circler" meaning that I can bounce from a depressed state to a manic one, and back and forth several times with in a year.There are all kinds of resources on the internet which are available to tell ya from a medical perspective, what bipolar is. I'll leave the medical stuff to the professionals. My goal in writing this page is to share how this illness affects me as an individual. How does it feel? What impact does it have on my relationships and other aspects of my life? If ever one fellow sufferer comes away from these pages feeling a little less alone, I'll have accomplished something meaningful. Please keep in mind that these are strictly my personal experiences, observations and feelings.Others with bipolar disorder may have very different experiences with their illness. What does bipolar disorder feel like? How does manic depression affect the lives of people who live it, and those who love or care about us? Studies say that 1% of the world's population has bipolar disorder.That leaves the other 99% wondering why the heck they are so moody, angry, sad, explosive, tearful, ect. We are a mystery to the majority of people on earth.This situation can leave the bipolar person feeling very lonely and alienated, and the people in their lives confused, hurt and angry.I hope that this site will help you reach a better understanding of ya self or someone that ya know, love and care about.   Phases of Bipolar Disorder Depression Most people are familiar with the basic concepts of depression.Feeling sad, blue, lonely-usually in response to a disappointment in our lives.The death of someone we care about, the ending of a relationship, that kind of thing. Well, that isn't the kind of depression I'm talking about here.The form of depression I have just described is called situational depression, and it generally clears up with the passing of time, or with short-term therapy and or drugs treatment. The type of depression (clinical depression) endured by bipolar is physical in origin. Although it may be triggered by outside influences.It really isn't being depressed as much as it is being under a depression.It's more of a condition than a mood. My personal systems include: inability to concentrate, lack of energy, sleepiness, hunger that is emotional in origin, withdrawal, confusion, poor short-term memory, um-what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Depression.It's like being surrounded by a cloud of gauze that numbs me to the world around me. During a period of severe depression,I don't feel like I'm real a person any more.I have no energy when I'm depressed, but am completely wired when I'm manic! Moods  Depression are mostly physical in nature. However, once or twice a day (on average),I am suddenly filled with a feeling of overwhelming sorrow which seems to have no source...and no limit to its depths.It feels almost like standing on the shore of the ocean and having an enormous wave of emptiness wash over me.It's just there.Sometimes, I break down into tears. Most of the time, though, it's more like I'm stunned, or in shock.The pain is too much to bear. This is when I really pull inside of myself, and my brain shuts down, leaving me feeling bewildered, confused, and disoriented. I feel completely and utterly alone, even in a room full of people.Imagine yourself as a leaf, floating alone and without control in the middle of a very large lake. That's depression. Social While depressed, I pull away from other people even though I love and care very much about them.I need every bit of energy I have to just keep going.The strain of trying to maintain relationships with people, especially when they rely on me for something is just more than I can handle. Fortunately, most of my friends and family understand that it's not personal when I tell them I need some time away from other humans, and they respect my need for space.This isn't a preference.It's a place requirement for retaining some semi-balance of emotional control.When emotional demands are placed on me during a depression, I become overwhelmed, and unable to function in any capacity. It's best to just give me time and space I need.     Self-Image I look into the mirror and I see a women who is tired, worn, old, fat, less than very average, downright unattractive and ugly! When I look at photos of myself smiling,I become angry.What right so I have to smile, when I'm so fat and ugly? Concentration The words, "concentration" and "depression" don't belong in the same article, much less the same sentence. The two are almost mutually excusive. It is sometimes very difficult for me to hold a conversation. Everyone forgets a word now and then. That's perfectly normal. But I find myself losing tract of what topic was being discussed! Sometimes, I forget that a conversation was even in progress, and just sort of drift off, frequently in mid-sentence. It's similar, in a sense, to daydreaming.The difference is that the conversation isn't replaced by other thoughts. My mind simply shuts sown. Once I was going to turn off the kitchen light in the house I've lived in for six years, and I did'nt know how.I had absolutely no idea how to turn off the light, or where the switch might be. Energy It's either insomnia or near-coma.There isn't much in between. My depressions usually involve lots of sleep, but not all at once.Then again, I may sleep up to 18 hours a day, but seldom for more than four hours at a time. Although I have been known to sleep 12 hours straight. This is very hard on me, both physically and emotionally. I feel like a giant sponge has come and absorbed much of the energy from my body and mind. People around me have often considered me lazy because of this energy drain. Sometimes I wonder about myself. Then I look at all the things I do while I'm "okay", and try not to beat myself up for something over which I have no control. I do however try very hard to get myself up out of bed and take a walk, even if it's just around the yard or to the mail box. This doesn't always work but I do try! Sexuality Sex? Who has energy for sex? I occasionally roll over, hug my partner, and ask, "can we make love without moving?" This has caused me some problems in the past. But since he understands me, this is generally not a problem except in myself as I feel sexless, that I'm not a women and can't provide for him. Sometimes I don't even want him near me as I feel guilty because I can't provide for his emotion and sexual needs. Other times I just cuddle up and lie my head on his chest, he puts his arm around me, and we snuggle off to sleep. This emotional bonding is important, even when sex is not an option, because the intimacy of touch is very soothing to the depression. Goals This is a two-fold problem, involving both energy levels and concentration.Most of the time if I see something that needs to be done, it just doesn't occur to me to take action. It's like with a computer program. All of the files are there, but the .exe file is corrupt. During the moments when I'm fully awake, I sometimes have thoughts of actually doing something. More often than not, though I forget what I was going to do somewhere between thinking about it, and physically reaching the place where I should start doing whatever it was. Sometimes I reach my destination and stare around blankly, hoping against hope that a visual trigger will remind me of why I'm there.Other times, I'm fortunate enough not to remember that I have forgotten anything.It's less painful that way.In this state I feel that I can understand someone who's going through the early stages of Alzheimer's disease. And that's a horribly frightening way to live or think about. Food When the depression is it's most profound, I have no interest in food whatsoever and then I go for long periods of time not eating, (days at a time) until I'm forced to eat by the family, then when I do eat, I get sick and throw up. When I do eat, nothing tastes good. Despite that, I rely on a series of comfort foods that I keep expecting to make ne feel better when I do eat them. Of course they don't, at least not for more than a few few minutes.Then I'm left with the feeling of excessive fullness and the knowledge that I'm probably gaining a lot of weight. The fact that I'm fifty pounds overweight doesn't help the depression much either.So why do I perpetuate it by overeating when I'm depressed? Psychologists say that it's an effort to fill the emptiness and loneliness inside of our hearts. We're just feeding the wrong organ. I've made the past coupe of statements global rather than specific just me, because this is a very wide spread problem which is experienced by way too many people who are in pain.     Click on the sig to go to Part 2