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THE BUTTERFLY

Trigger Trigger Trigger.....suicidal thoughts, abuse, sexual abuse, murder. 
Still under construction
 
 
I was born  Janice Anne Zapinski--Yep, you read right, I'm Polish! I'm Bi-Polar 1 Disorder.  During my early childhood when I was six or seven, I had feelings inside I didn't understand and could not express. I would crawl into a closet and isolate myself, curled up into a ball, I sat there for hours, I felt I didn't belong. People would try to get me out, sometimes they could, but most of the time I refused.
During this time I started getting into trouble, nothing I did was right, it seems like all I ever did was get in trouble even though I stayed to myself and was quiet. You see I was majorly depressed at many times of my life. Doctor's now feels this was a result of being Bipolar. At the age of six that was the first time I became suicidal.
At some point in time in my early childhood I was molested by one of my female cousins.
As I got older it got worse, and I started striking out at everyone, even the people I loved.  I could not express love or be loved, even though I desperately  wanted and needed it, but didn't feel I deserved it from anyone. By age eleven or so I had started drinking, and doing drugs. I was hanging with the gangs in the streets of Detroit. I had run away from home I don't know how many times. I would be involved with older men, men that were old enough to be fathers to me. I was also tried to kill myself many times.
Then I meet this guy 19 or so, I started hanging out with him, then went and lived with him and his father Doug. One night I went to where he worked, we got into an argument!  I left his work and started walking to the house, it was dark, and THAT'S WHEN THE NIGHTMARE BEGAN FOR ME.
You must keep in mind, I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone, I was tough, I knew the street life and ways. Well a car stopped and asked for some directions, and I was giving them to them, when all of a sudden the guys jumped out grabbed me and took off with me in their car. I was helpless, couldn't get out! I was surrounded by men. We drove for what seemed to be hours, but was probably about 30 minutes or so.  Then they came to a stop at last. I tried to figure a way to get out of the car, but there was no way. I was in a very bad section of the city, and I was not even sure where! When they got me inside, there were even more men, over 20, and more coming in as the night went on, and another girl was there also. What Was I Going To Do? I looked the whole thing over, nothing to do, I was scared really scared! Needless to say they raped me, don't know how many guy's at once, to many to count, they hurt me, I was bleeding, I was laying in a bed of pee that was not only mine (they wouldn't let me up to go to the bathroom) but theirs also, and also their semen. There were men so many men; they were suffocating me by being on me and also by their seman. I couldn't think, move, or feel, I hurt so badly!! I was totally helpless to their wants.  I wanted to stop, so did the other girl. They held a knife to our throat's and said to stop trying to fight it, she kept on, the next thing I knew, they cut her throat, and stabbed her I don't know how many times. The pool of blood was all over, and they were still doing whatever they wanted to do to her body. I wanted to live for the first time in my life, but yet I wanted to die instead of living this hell! But I did not want to die the horrible way she did. One of the men let me go to the bathroom; however he went in there with me. It was at that point he had told me if I became his women he would get me out of there. I told him 'yes I would', anything to get out of there. We climbed out of the window, and into his car and drove down to who knows where, I was lost. He told me he was gonna clean me up, and then I would be working for him. Well to make a long story short, I did get away from this man and back to where Doug lived. They wanted to send me back home. I would not go; I'd rather live on the streets then to go back.
Doug did allow me to stay there with him after all. I started seeing and sleeping with Doug. We went to Alabama. We dressed me to the hilt. Nice clothes, high heels, anything to make me look older. He treated me well.
Then shortly after we got back to Michigan, he told me I would have to go back home. I left his house, however did not go back home.
I then went to a person that I knew before, and they put me up. I met another man working outside a bar, and started seeing him. I went to bars with him and started drinking a lot again. Needless to say, one day the police came in and I got busted.
They couldn't get me into a children's detention, so they placed me into jail until my mother could come and pick me up or I went before the judge. There was a street working women there in the cell next to mine.
My mother and an Aunt (who happen to be the mother of the gal that sexually molested me) came to pick me up. While mom was talking to the police to figure out what they were going to do with me, my Aunt told me how worthless I was, and how I was just like all the women in the cells, and she thought my mom would be better off if I was dead.
I went into a children's correctional institution. When I was released from there, I went to a group home. I was so unhappy with everything including life. I ran from there also. At that point in time when I was caught, my parents turned over all right to the state, they no longer had anything to do with me.
From there I was placed into an institution out of town. That was a tough place to be. There who kids in there for much worse things then running away, I did not belong there. There were even kids in there for murder. This place turned out to be the best place for me. There was one case worker that tried to break me from all of my hardness.
After about two years of being there, he got to me. In his office one day we were talking I got so angry with him, because he was showing me love and caring, I was MAD. I started throwing things everywhere. He let me get away with it. And he finally broke me. He got to me. I started caring. I stopped cutting, and trying to kill myself for a while. I was released from there, and went to a foster home. I stayed there for a year and a half, they showed me love, and I couldn't handle it, so I ran from there. I just couldn't handle love. I couldn't handle all the depression I had in my life, I tried to kill myself again for no reason. They then placed me in another foster home. Things didn't work out there for me.
I was under the states care the whole time and would have to check in with a case worker one day a week.
My case worker changed and low and behold who happened to be by new case worker but Mr. Cole, the one that broke me to start caring. He was very special to me for all he had done. Now I wanted to please him. I talked him into letting me go out and live on my own at the age of 16. I had to continue school and work part time. For the first time in my life I was somewhat happy, at least as happy as one could be at that time in my life.
I met this guy in my life, and we wanted to get married, but I was only 17 so had to get permission from the state. They granted it to me. Married life was great for awhile. Then I started all over again being unhappy with myself. Nothing or no one could make me happy. I was in hospital many many times for trying to kill myself.
We had three wonderful children. But after 12 yeas of marriage, we ended in divorce.
I started back to drinking but then looked myself in the mirror one day and said "what are ya doing to yourself and the children, do ya want them to grow up like this?"  I had to let them go if I was to continue this life style. I gave it all up to have and keep them. They were to important to me. I loved them so much; they kept me going in life. I did try two times to kill myself but thank God they were not there to see it. The last time I was put into the hospital, at that point in time of my life that's when they finally found out I had Bipolar. I was treated for it. Things were better so much better for me, being in treatment and the meds they had me on.
Then one day I found out my youngest child had been sexually abused, I couldn't believe it, I was devastated. I reported it right away, I wanted to press charges. Then I found out they would take the children from me until the investigation was over. My x-husband suggested that they stay with him in KY for awhile until it was over. I drew up papers with my attorney to give him temporary custody. I then found out that with them out of state nothing could be done unless they were to come back to MI. I couldn't handle being so far from my children, it hurt, and my heart was crushed.
At that point I sold my house in Michigan, and moved to KY to be closer to them. I found out their Dad would not press charges. Now he took me to court for the children. The grounds were I was Bipolar, and the sexual assault while they were in my care, after two very long years I lost the children. I was without them for five VERY long years. While they were there I also found out that sexual assault was done not only on my little one, but all three. I blamed myself even though I didn't know, and tried to kill myself one again and almost did. I finally got them back one by one. They lived in an abuse home there by the step mom. But I was the bad parent. Yeah right, at least I didn't hurt them on purpose.
My bipolar took me through very many stages in my life I am a rapid cycler. My children did have a tough life living with me. I tied killing myself many, many times, to many to count, for and without any reasons. I still to this day tend to try and kill myself. I don't want to die but at times something inside of me drives me to it, and I wish I knew what it is. I'd like to say it was because of my life I have gone through, but I started even before things had happened to me.