Suicidal Impulses

    Some people manage to be depressed and manic at the same time. I'm one of those people. During a mixed state depression, I feel lost, empty, forlorn, and hopeless. These feelings are compounded by the dysphoric mania, and make me feel desperate, panicky, and threatened. Having all of these intertwined is absolutely hellish, and it is during mixed states that I am most vulnerable to the impulses to commit suicide.

Suicidal Impulses

     This isn't actually a phase of bipolar disorder, but it is often a critical component. FACT: Up t one in five (20%) bipolar's eventually kill themselves. Treatment can't ne counted on to prevent those feelings or the impulses that may make them reality. We need to have more in our arsenal than just drugs.

     One of the first is self-awareness. I have made the following observations about myself. If I am depressed, I am not generally in danger, as I lack the energy to devise, much less carry out a suicide plan. It's more likely to become an issue while I'm manic. The threat is even more real during a mixed attack.

    For me, this is how suicidal thoughts start to take over. I say or do something without thinking first (which is the only way I function while manic). After it's too late to anything to chance my words or actions, I begin to second-guess what I did, or something can trigger something that I've done in the past, or trigger some painful past experience that can cause Guilt, Remorse, Anxiety, and Panic sets in. These feelings feed on themselves, growing larger and larger. Eventually I'm overwhelmed, it feels like the world is caving in on me, and in a state of total panic I start having these "ideals". Obviously, the only way out of this situation is death, right? Makes total, perfect sense. Of course! Add these irrational thoughts to a mind that has shifted into overdrive, acting first and asking questions later, and you're looking at trouble.

    Sometimes the pain and emptiness seem unbearable. In a person with mental illness, intellect is often overshadowed by emotion. Even though I can understand, logically, that this is a temporary situation, and I'm dealing with feelings rather than reality, it's often difficult to see beyond the pain. It's times like these when I have to have someone take my meds, and dispenses them to me on schedule. I want to drive, even though I know I shouldn't because of the raw emotions, combined with emotion-based impulsiveness, can make me a dangerous driver, both for myself and others on the road. It's not the others I worry about because they can get off the road. It's me that wants to wreck, and or drive to the mountains jump or drive off of it and die. It's during this time the family takes my keys away from me and hides them out of site and range. Obviously, the idea of death solving my problems doesn't make sense. As one of my therapist pointed out to me once. It's not my life I want to stop. I just want to stop the

 "P-A-I-N"