JANICE'S BI-POLAR SUPPORT SITE

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I am so angry, with life, myself, bipolar...with EVERYTHING!! I am disgusted with myself because I have NO motivation to do anything...I have things I can do, but nothing routine, unless you count housework. It makes me feel so worthless. I want so bad to go back to work. I want to walk into an office and interview for a job, right NOW...but I know that I am not ready for that and that makes me FURIOUS!! I feel like I don't make a difference in this world! My life sucks, I sleep because I don't want to face another day. I have nothing to look forward, unless you count housework, and that isn't anything to look forward to. I love my kids dearly but I have no idea why they love me, I am just not there emotionally for them. My little ones are in summer school and I feel like someone else is raising my kids, but then I bring them home and I can't wait until they go to bed. I feel like a TERRIBLE mom. I am letting the important things in life slip by me and I can't seem to pull myself together to get my act together. That makes me angry with myself!! I feel like the laziest person on the face of the planet and that depresses me. I just want a regular routine. Being a mom is suppose to be the most important job for me right now and I am screwing it up. My poor kids deserve a more compentent mother that does what she is suppose to do! The kids overwhelm me, life overwhelms me, how the world am I suppose to work when I can't do the simpliest jobs at home and they overwhelm me??? I HAVE NO LIFE!! Life is passing me by while I lay in my bed or sit at the computer. I am struggling to find a life but my life should be my kids...I am tired of trying, I don't know what to do. I know this is probally depression talking, but the sad thing is this it is true. I am so tired of cycling, i just want a break. I am tired of being depressed. Soon it will be fall and I have a tendency to get manic in the fall. I know that I am projecting in the future but I can't help it! I feel like a leaf tossed in the wind. The bipolar is making my life so difficult and it seems the bipolar is getting worse all the time. Just when I think I have it together I get another curve ball thrown at me. How am I suppose to work when I am like this. Who is going to want an employee that gets overwhelmed so easily then goes off the deep end??

Hi boots sorry to hear that you are feeling down. i know i how you feel, i tryed to go back work even tho my theripst said no, well she was right. if you try and go back to work before you are ready, you will feel worse if you dont make it, so please just try and to relax. The reason your kids love you is because your a great mom. it takes alot to have bipolar and being a single parent and raising kids. if i was i single parent i dont think i could do it, but your doing a great job you should be proud of your self. your a great person. please just slow down. i know it's hard when you cycle, you are sweetest person that i have ever known. beleave me life will get better, just keep your head up ok.

if there is any time you need to talk please let me know ok. if there is anything i can do please let me know.

((((Boots)))) I hate the fact that ya feel like this, I only wish I could take this all away from ya hon, if I could I would in a flat second. Yes I do hink it's the depression working on ya and ya mid. It is very tough being mother and father, I know I've been there. It takes a special person to be ale to do that and still take on the neighbor head kids also. If ya were a bad mom ya wouldn't be able to do anything at all. But ya aren't that way, ya stil do things with the children. Ya are such a kind good hearted person, ya just need to ease up on ya self a bit, and I also know that is easier said than done, but ya can do it hon, I kow ya can. Reach deep sown swety and ya will see.

Don't forget the mirror, and when ya do it realy search deep down. Don't just skim the top and make up tings. Our life is tough but we can and will do it!!!

Ya help so many, and ya can make it also! Don't forgt that, think of some of the things ya have told others to help them and apply them to ya life sweety!

ya family and ya family here love ya so much cause ya ae a very good mom and friend here. Please don't let this grt to far out of hand hon, if ya need to ya might want to think about going into the hospital if that's what is needed.

The Butterfly~Janice

well boots, i read your reply, responded top that and then thought i will hold back on it for awile. maybe i'll just not send it. i wrote it to make a point.

the point i want to make is about survival. i read a book (several) about vietnam.

one particular story tells of two grunts (combat soldiers), who had less than 90 days left before they were scheduled to rotate back to the states. They had served better that ten months without having to return to the states in a crate, transport, human remains. i was impressed by them, not because they survived, but what they did to survive.

i believe they may have something to say to we bipolars.

it's a very simple genius, actually. they resigned themselves to being dead. they figured they had toe tags on and everything. undisputable fact. odd? maybe.

having gone through the exersize above mentioned, what they did was go about the business of being soldiers, warriors. they recognized they had been trained to do the things of war, without the distraction of thinking they might be dying. without that distraction, they were able to focus on the things that made them highly effective.

so..........? you are a terrible mom, you are furious, you are all these things you have assessed youself to be (whether I agree with you or not - i don't). at this point you might want to consider resigning yourself to being those (falacious) things, tht's just the way it is, and go about being a mother, a house cleaner and whatever else. understand yourself to be be dead to those things.

it's helped me. alan

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