They say that I am, strong that I never wear a frown but lately I’m not so sure that this is true it seems that I am unsure walking on shaky ground some days lately I don’t know who I am inside I feel numb like a part of me has died like a wilting rose my mood is up it’s down it is all over and there are only a few who understand most tell me I’m to moody and such. I feel rather alone with the only one who can truly understand even if it is totally in some areas and but a glimpse in others is my fiancé. I feel abandoned by many and as if I was not given enough of a shot to show who I really was and judged by some. It’s like I am stuck in quicksand and with my friends I am slowly sinking instead of being helped out but with my best friend my lover I am on solid ground even growing as a person and falling more in love what I don’t understand I how I can be doing so well in this and so bad in keeping friends particularly one who now compares me to someone in chat everyone hates, except instead of being compared to her I am now being told I am worse then her. If I am worse then her do I deserve any friends at all maybe the needy side of me doesn’t I don’t know all I know is ive lost a friend and she’s talking about me behind my back to others saying I am a whiney wtch and all I can see me doing wrong is having a personality problem. Maybe I am meant not to have any friends besides my fiancé either way that’s fine by me he is the only one I really need after all. I wonder however if I am destined to be abandoned by certain people, after all the first person to abandon me was my own father I do not know his reasoning I just know I was abandoned and it seems to have continued on a sown hill slide since day one., maybe my father just set the standard my friends use me while they are here then they move and im not important enough for them to return a phone call,  I am abandon and forgotten and I’m wondering if this pattern will continue . I feel lost broken crazy but oddly I feel very loved there is rarely a day when I truly question if I am loved. I question more often then not, not the matter if I am loved but WHY I am loved. It doesn’t fit to me why someone would love me but I know that people do. I don’t get it I am just lost maybe I will always be lost�?