I had my day in court and I blew it.  I folded.  All I could think about was getting away from this psychopath will he screamed and ranted and raved about a barbecue I asked for.  He has been living in my home for 6 months while I live in a camp trailer. Never mind he never worked in the 12 years we were together.  When we got together all he had was a truck and a toolbox.  Now he has 2 trucks 2 cars a tractor 2 horses 2 dogs a cat, an entire 2400 sqare foot house full of furniture half of the house and 30,000 of Mom's money that she left to me.  Out of what is left I get to pay his health inurance, finish the apartment and pay off his credit cards.  I can't get a job because the suicide attempts seem to have  had a lasting impression on my brain.  My daughter is still in Childrens custody because of him molesting her.  My Mom stayed with him after he beat me up because she didn't want to live in a camp trailer(can't blame her there, it sucks).  He did treat her like a queen while he sucked her bank account dry.  He had a restraining order put against me from the house because he didn't want me to influence Mom, and he had all of her bank accounts changed.  I couldn't even talk to her and then he calls me and tell me she is on a ventilator and she isn't going to live.  I Never Got To Say Goodbye.  I have never hated anyone in my life but  I HATE him.  I also hate the judge in that town...who happens to have the same last name as him. LOL. I feel extremely screwed over, but worst of all I hate myself. I never thought I would be the kind of person that would try to kill myself, I never thought I wouldn't be able to work.  I never thought I would hate anyone and I never thought I would give up.  I can't look in a mirror without crying, I've gain 60 pounds in the last 8 months from stress eating.  I can't understand how someone that evil comes out good, and I can't rub 2 nickles together.  I am resentful angry and so depressed I usually can't function well enough to even get dressed.  At least the death threats have no meaning anymore.  If anything happens to me now, my half of the house will go to my daughter.  I remember before the OD thinking I would finally be away from him.  That is exactly what he wanted, over and over again.  I have broken the cycle of wanting to die, but the Pdoc took me off my depression meds because he thought they were making me suicidal. LOL. I think the divorce cured that.  But theyt are afraid to give me any meds for depression now.  The doctor says what I am feeling is normal under the circumstances.  This can't be normal, how could anyone go on feeling like this and how would anything get done. OMG I've written a book here.  I need to vent somewhere.  I'm sorry to dump all this on any poor soul who might have taken the time to read about all my baggage.  I just don't have anyone to talk to and nowhere to turn right now.  Yes, maybe I'm being a total whiner but the more I keep it all in the more I hate myself.