Ok, I've not been doing well!  I'm frustrated with the way I have to live!  Please, get me off this rollercoaster ride and someone please take this bomb away, that seems to go off at anytime.  Living, like this not knowing what will trigger this bomb is so hard.  Plus, having these mood swings all the time----mine are usually blah, to depressed, to darker and then to not wanting to kill anymore.  I also deal with wanting to cut myself all the time----I have to be proud of myself because I don't act on it usually but it there all the time.  Living with the thought of don't knowing what will it take to finish me off.  Scared, that one day, any day something could trigger me enough to end my life.  I'm fighting so hard to stay here for my family and knowing if I were to take my life one of my children would probably do the same thing.  So, that makes me fight even harder but it doesn't make it easier to cope with this life of mine.  I usually don't go through a day without thinking about dying.  It's always there----over, and over telling me you should kill yourself.  But, on the other hand scared to die, would miss my family and really don't want to die.  I feel stuck! I can't win if I do and you can't win if you don't!  So, where does that leave me----in this tormented head of mine!  The really only thing that helps me is talking about it and getting it out of my head.  If, I had to keep it all inside----I really would- probably not be able to keep going!  So, with my family, doctor and especially myself I keep struggling with these disorders.  I hoping with being in this group I will meet some other people with the same problems.  Ok, I'm finished---my head feels a little better! Lou