I am so tired of being in a manic phase. I have been in one since July, I think. We got flooded out of our apartment in the beginning of June, and I went into a depressed mode, really depressed, barely functional. We moved into a new apartment on July 4th, and I was moving everything after the money ran out and we couldn't pay the movers to help move it into the new apt. anymore. I am 56, and on disability for MPD, and other mental/physical illnesses. I moved all that was left in the truck into the apt or storage area by myself. Yes, it was heavy, and a lot. No, roomie refused to help, she was too sick to help. My asthma and illness didn't matter. Yes, I am resentful yet to this day. I am not a nice person.

In this move, and the days afterward, all my winter clothes were either lost- I remember moving the containers into storage- or stolen as the storage room did not lock. I have no winter clothes, and we had snow 2 days ago where I live. It is chilly outside now. No one but me and my bishop is concerned.

All of July is a blur, with me going into the hospital for 12 days at the end of July, getting out on the last day of July. August is somewhat of a blur, as I was manic and didn't know it, hmm also July and didn't know it. Toward the middle of Sept my pdoc decided I might be manic - I have questioned this for years, and my sister is bipolar, as was my uncle. So he put me on serequel for the manic part, and cut my antidepressant in half. Now I have been snowed on antidepressants and antianxiety agents for over 12 years, because I was so lethally suicidal. Now I have emotions raging through me like freight trains, and today it feels like the manic part is slowing down. I have to say I am scared of the downslide that follows. I have been told it is equal to the intensity of the manic that preceedes it. This is extremely scarey, cause the manic was outside anything I never want to experience again in my life! It almost drove me to self harm/suicide on a couple of occasions.

My roomie has not been too understanding of the manic stuff. She agitates it without thinking or caring. I have had to increase the seroquel simply to not argue with her! It got so bad here 3 nites ago, that my pdoc's oncall told me I could increase it by like 1200mgs if needed just to be able to ignore her! That is not treating an illness, that is treating an unstoppable cause!

I am irritable, super so toward my roomie. Of course the fact that she is perfect doesn't help at all. She is a good Christian, don't get me wrong. But I tire of hearing of her Christ-like tolerance of me and need for me to be responsible for myself. Like I am not trying to be more socially correct and less irritable? I find it hard to live with someone who "never makes mistakes" and who agrees she doesn't and that that is what she is here on earth to do - "live the most perfect life I can so I will attain the best rewards in the afterlife that I can." I am struggling to get through the day today! IT is not easy to deal with perfection anymore! I cannot help but be irritated by someone who does not see their behavior the way I see it. The constant fault finding, the incessant nitpicking over words to the extent that the message is totally misconstrued in the process - meaning the message that was sent is totally different from the intended one, and because of that, I have lied major league in the process of this mess! I don't always pick the best words, I agree. But I am riding herd on my mouth trying to do my best to express myself as carefully as I can, amidst the manic mouth urges, and my mind going forward at hyperspace speed!  Add to that that I am paranoid and have persecutory delusions, in her words. 

I am taking enough medication to slow me down that my swallow reflex is depressed at night and my lungs dry out at night when I breathe (also partially due to a cpap machine that I need to breathe continuously when I sleep). I am gaining weight from this medication, and that adds to the breathing difficulty, as it pushes up into my chest cavity. My self esteem, already low, has plunged from gaining all this weight so fast(another thanks to having gained half of it from the appetite enhancement of steroids taken because I am allergic to the kittens she is fostering-something neither of us anticipated). I am unable to walk more than half a block anymore without gasping for air--this after getting to the point where I could walk 3 miles in 45 minutes!!.  I feel like just giving up and saying the heck with it, end it all now. But I have family who cares about me.

The roomie situation will end soon, as she will be moving out.  It is just enduring the current situation that is next to impossible right now! Even a week seems an eternity, and it is longer than that. Heaven forbid they already rented the apt she wants to someone else, and she has nowhere to go!! Those could be the grains of sand that engulf me totally. I don't think I could take it!

This is the first I have written here about this whole situation, and I am certainly hoping it stays here. I don't know if anyone here knows her or not, but if word of anything I have said reaches her, there will be hell to pay in this apartment. I gave up another group where we both belonged so that she could have a place for support. But I need support, too.  My kid and other family are in another state many miles away, and I cannot afford to call them all the time. I am paying all the bills so that my roomie can get the deposit money together, and pay for movers. I am paying for the truck. I wish her well, I really do!   I just want to be alone, on my own, without having to worry about hurting someone all the time. I know I hurt her feelings, but I have limited brakes on my mouth. And when I isolate myself to avoid saying or doing anything that might hurt her, then I am being ugly to her! I cannot win no matter how I play my cards. I am always hurting her in some way. I don't want to, don't set out to, but always end up doing so! She needs to be away from me as much as I need to be away from her.

Thanks for letting me vent.  Comments welcome.  I do need reality checks.

Kasa