had  4 days of euphoric mania....WOW loved it!!!! well as of yesterday, i started to become exhausted.....by evening.....i had a bout of RAGE.....this AM i just dont want to face another day, fighting my brain or moods!!!! Sometimes in life i was taught you just have to keep going and the best things for you are sometimes the hardest!!!!  I should start feeling better by the end of the week(i hope) because of the med changes the Pdoc made yesterday. Today is the new doses!!!!!

Its wed afternoon: This sucks!!! I have never crashed so hard from an euphoric episode.  I dont want to be like this tomarrow!!! Brian will be home in about 15min to take over and care for the babies. I feel like a rotten mother having this disease. I didnt dream of being a mother like this when I would daydream as a teen about having children.  I know its something that I have no control over....yet it is hard to accept.  I just want a new brain. DAMN genetics. That is another issue...well im too exhausted to get into that. It will have to wait for another entry...or day.

Today is Friday....wow what a difference from the past two days. I feel great today. Stable. I couldn't even move yeasterday. I slept off and on. I went to bed at 8pm. Today Im smiling and gettin things done with me babies and around the house. Im human again. I think the new med doses are kicking in. Well its lunch for us.

Its Tues.  Im tired....blah...been this way for about 3days(today is going on 4) I feel the depression kicking in!!! I just dont want to function. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. This isnt exhaustion like last week, its just plain BLAH I see the pdoc tomarrow....i dont know what to do. I got only one day of clarity and breathing space and that was on Friday. I just dont want my hubby to give up on me....he hasnt shown any signs yet....but well I better not go there...it may just increase parinoia. Out for now

Its thursday...i have a pdoc appointment at 3.15.  I have no emotion now...the damn pdoc told me to take 75 extra mg of this effexor yesterday. That brought me back up to the 225mg dose that she felt was causing the rapid cycling. When I took it yeasterday it caused panic attacks and i was shaking....i went ahead and took it upon myself to take an extra seroquel and went to bed at 6pm.  I awoke this am with the same depression....no shaking or panic attacks yet.  I just took my morning meds and i will see what will happen.  I just dont want to do this crap anymore. I think i am going to ask my pdoc if she understands personally what i am going through and if she doesnt will she refer me to a pdoc who has BP or has better understanding of this diease.  I dont know much else to add except that i dont want to go through today.

its me....had a panic attack....called hubby home....what is going on?  Who is this person? What world am I in?  Is this a bad dream? I never used to be like this....out of control with myself's emotions. I cant focus....I cant think anymore. I want my life back. Where is this going...will I survive this bad trip? My gut hurts...my brain is fuzz..my eyes are blood shot and heavy...I want to collaspe.  I know I need to go to my appointment in order to get better and on with stability; yet it is going to take everything that I got left to go. Am I on just a pity pot...are these feelings real?  Am I really bipolar?  I never had to second guess myself!!!! Are the medications causing me to not be in touch with me or who I think me is or was? I wish I could get these questions answered now. I just want to give up....but I have too many who depend on me. How can they depend on me when I cant even depend on me? Why is this so confusing....I just want to run run run run run run until it all goes away...or will it go away? All that is in my brain is why why why why why why why why why!!!!!  Please god are you there?!!!

well did you miss me journal....alot has happend since we last spoke. On thursdays afternoon 3-4-04 I OD. I was in the hospital on the psych. unit for 5 days.  I had feelings of guilt when I awoke the following day in the hosp room.  I learned quite a bit being there going through the thearpies and talking with the other patients and staff.  My new pdoc really understands my needs and wants to survive this diease. He suggested the day I was discharged from the unit that I go to partial care. That program has been a blessing as well. I see that I am not the only one who suffers from mood disorders. I was a good feeling to see others in the "flesh" struggling just as I do. Friday, I was unable to attend because my son was ill...he really needed his mama and so did his sister. My children are suffering just as I am. I have a overwhelming sense of guilt of not have been there while in the hospital and even when I was at home and my diease was out of control with the depression phase. I do know that children are....oh what is the word...well they adjust like rubberbands. I am glad that they are young enough that I havent caused any permanent harming personality changes in them because this diease has taken a toll on me. Well back to my progression.....Friday mentally I was on a scale of 1-10 (1BAD and 10GREAT)  I was about a 9! Saturday was the same....I got out of the house with a friend....was upbeat...mentally crystal clear...had my FIRST smoothie!!!! Oh I'm hooked on them now!!!  Today is a different story....later Saturday evening around 8ish...i began to feel somewhat tired....um brain exhaustion...thats really the only way I could explain it. My hubby also saw that my light in my eyes was fading. He asked if I was okay and I said I think I just got a too much stimulation being out and about.  So I took it for that. Well,well, today I awoke in a funk and it has been increasing as the day progresses. This scares me....but I will never ever get to the point that I did on Thursday 3-4-04!!!!! Depression (the demon) is starting to taunt me with its claws of capture. I will see the pdoc tomarrow in partial. While in the hospital he has decided that the anti-depressant effexor was NOT working for me....and wanted to try the wellbutrin. So during the stay in the unit he gradually weaned me off of the effexor and at the same time started me on the wellbutrin 150mg.  So I think it is time for a med adjustment. Its a waiting game I know....and I will keep telling myself that I CAN and WILL survive this diease. I am blessed to have my husband who is my post when I cant stand. I also have my sister who also has BP. My mother is trying and is intently studying this diease so she too can help me through the rough waters. The depression is not bad but it will get worse if I dont VOICE it.  Thats all....talk to you soon

Hey journal.....buzzz....pound.....mushy brain....as you can see this is my feeling in my head!!!!! My pdoc figured out that wellbutrin was TOO stimulating. I thought I knew what cycling was before....WHEW!!!!! Pdoc had me stop it yeasterday...he is wanting to try me on nertotin!!! Whatever it takes. enough for now....i just am too blurred now in my thoughts...not sure if it is the crashing or what!

I QUIT!!!!!  NO MORE MEDS!!!!!!