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That is the truth.. Then it gets better.. I never really truly now anymore what to think. What to do, what to expect. I stopped expecting things along time ago, and when something goes good, then I have a surprise. We can't ever seem to plan things anymore, cause something always goes wrong. Mike took a new job and abit of a pay cut to be home more with me, but it is hurting us bad, and I always end up blaming myself cause I can't get out there and work and help us. SSI is taking forever like always.. 2nd time around and on 1st appeal this time around. And of course they are going to deny me again.. But I do have a lawyer this time, and I hope and pray that it helps.. The accident helped in that aspect, because my head is now messed up with the migraines and some memory loss.. I have notepads and eraser boards everywhere, so I can remember things.. That is bad at 26. I feel like I am 86. And no matter how bad my health is, the government thinks I can be normal.. HAHAHAHA.. I wish I could be, believe me, I want nothing more than to be a normal person, who can hold a family, work and take care of things at home.. But I am not.. I am me.. I am a 26 yr old girl who can't stand to walk or sit for to long, cause my back, hips, knees give out, and then I get manic or depressed and then I really can't do anything or think I can do everything, and then pay for it in the end.. And that don't help the diabetes any.. Cause when I am depressed I don't eat, which raises my sugars (go figure) and when I am manic I eat way to much adn then my sugars raise and I just can't win anymore.. ERRRR Alright enough for now... I need to simmer down and relax some so I can hopefully sleep tonite.. |
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I am feeling better this morning... My shoulder is hurting though, cause I accidently slept on it.. But anyways... Mike has to get his paycheck deposited this morning so I can by groceries, get meds adn pay bills, then we are broke again... Oh yea, can't forget the $50 of gas for the durango. Although I don't have to go anywhere next week, so I may only fill it half way. Mike can have the other half for his car to run back and forth to work. We don't need him runnign out of gas again... Good thing he was close to home, so my mom could run and get him some gas. That's just life anymore. The obgyn has put me on clomid. Mike and I have been trying for 6 years to get pregnant and nadda.. So last summer when we had some money and health insurance we went to a specialist adn had all the tests run, I went through the tough ones, and we are both fine, just can't so it on our own I guess.. So now I am on fertility drugs to help us out.. If this doesn't work, then when I do get my settlement money, I am getting that percedure where they mix us up in a petre dish and implant it in me. Then if that dont' work, I guess adoption is next. I don' tknow why it's so important to me, but it is. That is one of the big issues when I get depressed. I am around babies all the time and I am so good with them, and I know I would be a really good mom, and it scares me that I am bipolar, and yet, I want to be a mom more than anything in this world. I can even handle my friends 2 month old identical twin girls.. My mom and I babysit them during the week along with my 15 month old god son. And I do just fine and am like super mom with them. So why can't I be a mom?  Katie and Rachel  My sweetie Alex |
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