JANICE'S BI-POLAR SUPPORT SITE

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Ok so I am over last night... I talked to one of my services and they are going to refer me to another service for counselling.

I had the scan today and the stuff I had to drink made me sick, and the needle they gave me made me feel a bit funny but that was to be expected. I can pick up the scans tomorrow after 10am.

I feel so bad about last night, I just want to forget about it but easier said than done. I have been journalling all day, I took it to the hospital with me so that I could fill in the time, that I had to wait there for and hour before and half an hour after the scan.

I ended up writing about 12 pages and am still going.

I got to talk to a friend online today, I havent spoken to her for a while as she has been away for a couple of months, it was good to speak to her, she will be back on line later so I can speak to her again, she is going away again soon, she had to go back home because her father died and she has to deal with all of that. I hope that she is going to be alright.

I just want to cut myself again, I know that isnt going to solve anything but the urges are so strong. I am going to write until I feel better. Cutting is a way of me dealing with things and it is a bad way of dealing with things. I want to find another way to deal with bad things in my life. I have to get through this for me, for mefriends, for my family, for my fiance and the future we are to have together.

I am really tired, didnt get to sleep at all last night, just couldnt get comfortable or stop thinking about all the bad stuff in my mind and wanted to take a nap today, but didnt get a chance because of all the time I spent at the hospital getting the scan done and then I went into Interwork and I have been accepted for the Personal Support Program and I have my first appointment with Lisa on the 4th of Sept. That should be good to be in that program and it will get centrelink off my back for two years, and they will be able to get me linked into other services, like counselling, training, more medical services.

I'm trying to deal with all of this and I am getting so confused about it all, I hurt myself BUT I didnt cut. I dont know if I should tell anyone about it or not, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. It just gets me in more and more trouble, so I'm going to keep things to myself, or maybe write on here because there isnt alot anyone can do about it. I guess this journal is an escape for me and I prefer to type then I do to write by hand. Anyways I am so full of crap it aint funny. No one listens to me when I say I'm ok, no one listens to me when I tell them whats wrong. No one believes me when I say I am in trouble.

I have been watching a movie called "Click" and I just dont get it, I dont understand it at all. I might just go and rest, I am talking to a friend but she just gets me a bit upset, I dont understand it because we got on so well for the longest amount of time and then she just changed over night, getting angry with me, not talking to me for weeks at a time then talking to me when she wants to and pretending like everything is all dandy and fine, as if my feelings dont count. She used to talk to ma about everything then she met this other person and this other person has turned her against me.

Well I am going to go and get something to eat, and I hope I can keep it down this time. Be back later, I'm sure I will have another book to write by then

Ok so I slept a little last night but not alot to feel like I had slept at all. I went into the centre this morning for a bit but really didnt want to stay there, although I did get to talk to Helen for a bit and fill her in about what has been happening over the past month since she has been up in Adelaide, it was good to see her and I got a hug from her too.

I helped do the lunches in the kitchen today, I got kicked out of the office, its not like I was just standing there doing nothing, I was actually doing something for a change, was helping Pauline with the computer. But no Pam cracked it with me yet again, and Lucielle wondered why it took me so long to talk to her and apologise to her from last week (which I did do today, said I was sorry for swearing at her last week). Apology was accepted but I still dont thik she is happy with me, but she will soon get over it.

I am going back in there for an hour or so in the morning, might even see Kate as she is down from Adelaide for a few days, that depends if she comes in or not.

Then I have another appointment at the police station at 12.30pm, to finish up the statement I made a few weeks ago, cant wait to get it finished and out of the way, because it is really affecting the way i am thinking, having to try and remember all of this, some of which I would prefer not to have to deal with as I have so much more to deal with. Some people just dont get it, I am getting upset at the mental health system here because they dont help me with anything and it is pissing me off, it took me nearly seven years to finally get myself a worker there, because I kept getting referred and re-referred from community health to mental health and getting reviewed all the time, I was happy to finally get someone from mental health, but now she has gone, and they havent given me a new worker, it sucks big time. I hope that when I go to the appointment with Interwork they can refer me to another service to get the counselling I need.

Not in the mood to deal with parents, although I did go out to mums to let her see the results of my scans, and uncle Kevin was there. I get to drive his ute when mum and dad get it which should be fun. Then I left and went and got some movies, half way home, while waiting at a set of traffic lights, my car died and wouldnt start, so I was lucky enough it was right out side a car dealership, So three guys came out and helped push te car around the corner, luckily I knew one of them Mike and he tried getting it started but just wouldnt do it. I had already rang dad to come in town ( I hate that they live out of town) and he did, and they ended up getting it started after several goes, then I went to the supermarket and got some chips, to eat while I watch a movie or two tonight. Then I went to Red Rooster and got some vegies peas, potato and gravy, some cheesecake and a bottle of drink. So I am broke yet again but I have fuel in the car which is the main thing. I had to borrow some money off my Pa and have to give it back to him on monday when I get paid, I also have to give mum back some money that I owe her as well but then she might have to wait til my next pay. It depends if my back is overdrawn or not. If I get my full pay, I can pay them both back, get some credit, food, and fuel. Got a month to come up with the money I need to pay my part of the CT scan, I also have to wait for the check from medicare as well, I will probably take them in at the same time.

Went and picked up my scans today and the results are good and bad, not really sure. I do have gall-stones but not as bad as they first thought. They have also picked up that I have cysts on my right ovary and possibly on my left one aswell. Which is kind of a blessing in disguise. If I do have cysts it might be what is causing me to bleed for so long, MIGHT being the key word. I dont know if it could have been causing me to bleed for the last six years. But if it is what is causing the problem it will be able to be treated and I might actually stop bleeding. Thats the hope anyways. Six years is just too long to have to put up with this. Give me a hysterectomy and get it over with please !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am just so sick of all of this, and I am getting sick of being passed from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist. It is getting beyond the joke to be honest.

be back later, got to finish something up but have more to write

Hey its Dani

OK so I am going to write a bit about the last week or so as I see it. Rachel has been extremely unwell.

Rachel has started self harming again over the past couple of weeks, with the first episode last monday night and rachel let her adopted mum know what had happened and Rachel ended up with the ambulance and police at her house to check she was alright and talk with her about what was going on. Throughout that week Rachel was in contact with her mental health worker three times, all of which were un helpful as Rachel was unable to talk about what was going on with her. Her mental health worker got a face to face assessment with a psych doctor but it turned out to be unhelpful, they didnt put her back on med's, admit her for monitoring, the assessment lasted twenty minutes. So none of her current issues are being dealt with such as the voices, Us the alters, the bulimia and the self harming.

She finally made her statement to the police, it took two days, six hours, two offices, twenty pages, two drawings, four phone calls, fourty signatures. Numerous tears, shakes and cuts later and it is on record now, she chose not to follow it up, not until at least her mental health is under control.

She had another severe self harming episode and the ambulance was again called on her and the police had to attend as well. They fixed her up there and then and fortunately she wasnt taken to hospital. She was allowed to stay at home and go back to bed.

Rachel has had several doctors appointments over the past few weeks, some of which havebeen good and some bad. She has had scans on her abdomen and she had gall-stones, and a suspected stomach ulcer. Cysts on both overies.

She also went for a follow up with the Gyno and the news he had to tell her was not at all good. Apparently she was carrying twins earlier in the pregnancy, which was a bit of a shock to her, but I think she is dealing with it as best she can.

Yesterday was hell for all of us, Rachel had found all these tablets and was lining them up to take. But fortunately I was alerted before anything could happen, and I took them and hid the ones she has to have and threw the rest away.

We also had an incident with another of the alters, self harming and sicne we are all inside Rach, Rach was the one physically hurt. We have to kep an eye on that.

Although I am not quite sure how we ended up there but we were on top of the old hospital which is 15 storys high, I am unsure as to whether it was Rach that got us up there or Sandi, but luckily I was able to get us down and home.

Last night was a bad night, as Rachel was convinced that Sam, Bill, Ben and Clint were out to get her, even though they are all in her head. She is also convinced that Emma, an ex-friend of hers is going to track her down and kill her. And then there is Mark, they guy that assulted her in May, she is so scared that he will come back to her house and do it to her again. A friend of Rachels, Becky has been trying to support her through all of this, but there is only so much that she can do.

Then on top of all of that she started seeing this baby, apparently it is about four months old, a girl, purple and either sleeps of cries. Cassel, Becky and Glenda all friends of Rachels and who know about al of us and what Rachel has gone through. Believe she is either going through psychosis, hallucinations, or another alter has become aparent. We have got in contact with one of her old counsellors, to try and work out a plan of action and see if there is anything that she thinks might be helpful. She may also beable to pull some strings in getting Rach admitted for a while. That is the hope.

Anyways I thought I would put this in here, just to let people know what is going on with her, I hope that she will be able to do the next entry.

Thanks everyone

Dani

Well I just dont know what to think anymore.

I thought I found a friend in her, but then she goes and calls me an attention seeker and accuses me of playing games and lying.

She had no right to say the things she did, if she was that upset with me you'd have thought she would have tried to talk to me about it. She has come between me and my friends, she is spreading these lies about me and I cant do anything about any of it.

Why on earth would I lie about this sort of stuff??????

I'm not the sort of person to do that to friends, well who I thought were friends.

I'm just frustrated now, might go and have a rest

Rach

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