Dear journal,
I'm feeling ok today-so far. No one is awake yet,so I decided to do a little house cleaning and make breakfast.
I mean..i'ts the least I can do since I dont have a job right? I quit my last job ( which by the way was only part time,at Wal-mart)
I have never been fired,I always quit. I get so excited when I first start the job(and I've had many jobs) I mean, I work really hard,and everyone compliments my eagerness to achive and they are amazed at my energy and positive attitude. My co-workers think that I'm such a happy person,and I am for a while....then the depression sets in....and I start trying to find places I can hide and just be alone. I'll sit in the bathroom for al long as I can just so that I wont have to be around anyone.
This will go on for days,I know evryone wonders why I'm not my usual energetic,happy- go -lucky self. Eventually I dont even want to go to work,I mean, just the thought of having to face all those people and try to put on a "pretend"smile.I just dont have the energy anymore.I'll start to tell myself that I'm useless to this company and they would be better off without me. All kinds of horrible thoughts will pass through my mind. I cant tell my boss whats going on...I'm sure they will think... that everybody gets depressed, but we just have to live with it and its no reason not to go to work. I tell my self the same thing!
I'm feeling guilty now for not having a job to help out with the bills.
My ex-husband and I have gotten back together after a 6yr divorce. He quit drinking and is now "Mr. resposibility",I am so proud of him. I thank God for him.That poor man works himself to death to make sure we have what we need, and here I am not doing a thing to bring money into the house.
I look through the help wanted adds and there are jobs I could do. I'll start to get excited about the possibility of getting a job...then I face MY reality,and it makes me sick to know that I will eventually end up quiting that job too.
I am so confused...Its not fair for my man to work so hard and I just sit here all day.
Oh man, I cant believe that I have gone on so long about all this.
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