Newspeak Racing Glossary
By Matt McLaughlin
SpeedFX

Race car drivers, sponsors, announcers and even writers speak in secret code since the introduction of the politically correct rules of engagement in Winston Cup. Newer fans might sometimes be baffled by the true meanings of these terms. Below is a simple list to help you translate what is being said.

"That's racing" - That's why they don't let us carry handguns in the car anymore.

"I just meant to rattle his cage." - I put him into the wall.

"I hate that it happened"- But it did. Deal with it.

"We'll be back after this brief commercial break" - You've got enough time to build a blimp in the backyard.

"They're adding new seats" - Traffic is going to get even worse.

"We must have run over something because a tire went down" - Another unexplained tire failure.

"There's an enthusiastic bunch of fans." - They've been drinking since dawn, and misspelled "ESPN" on their banner. At a race televised by TNN.

"This is a team sport" - It may look like I screwed up, but I'd like to blame the rest of the guys as well.

"We're currently reviewing our commitment." - We've wasted a ton of money sponsoring these bozos and are looking to get out of the sport.

"One of the great innovators of our sport." - This guy cheated like a Mississippi riverboat card shark.

"Needs to refocus his attention and priorities" - We caught him wearing a toga and drinking grain alcohol out of a dog dish at three o'clock this morning.

"Nestled in a rustic picturesque setting" - Fans are going to be sitting in traffic four hours to get out of here.

"Not noted as a road racing expert."- They're fitting All Terrain tires to this clown's car.

"Mutually agreed upon parting of ways." - We needed fire hoses to separate the driver, crew chief and owner when they commenced to brawling.

"Certainly one of the most popular guys in the garage area." - He's unemployed.

"We think it's going to race a lot better than it qualified" - We are in a world of trouble here. This dog won't hunt.

"He seems to have a fender rubbing the tire." - Dale Earnhardt just passed him.

"Action resumed just moments ago." - We missed another restart, there's been two crashes and the leader lost an engine.

"The track safety crew is putting down additional oil dry" - Man is there going to be one helluva wreck when they restart this race.

"We're heading for what looks to be an exciting finish." - Put out the fire and call in the dogs. This one is over.

"It looks to be a brief shower, after which there will be a window of opportunity" - See ya'll Monday.

"We're going to take you back to last year's running of this event.." - So we can be first in line for the ark.

"We're studying the issue to see if improvements can be made." - We're hoping that given a little time people will just forget about it.

"We're constantly looking for ways to improve the race weekend experience for fans" - Damn, I can't believe we built a brand new track and forgot to install restrooms.

"The (Ford/Chevy/Pontiac) is at a distinct disadvantage right now" - If we could run our shops the way we run our mouths we'd be winning races too.

"It's an innovative new approach to race team sponsorship" - It's not going to work and we'll be in court within two months.

"For those of you new to the sport..." - Get ready for another confusing explanation of tight and loose.

"Conduct detrimental to the sport of auto racing." - Genuine show of human emotion.

"This is a building year for our team." - The auction is in October.

"We're currently in serious negotiations with two or three sponsors" - I've got a kidney up for auction on Ebay and if it sells we'll be at the next race.

"A one race paint scheme to honor." - To sell a bunch of diecasts.

"I'd like to thank all the fans for their support." - Man -- are we selling a lot of t-shirts!

"This track presents a unique challenge." - It's poorly designed.

"Declined comment." - Punched out a reporter.

"I had an interesting conversation last night with..." - Who picked up the check for dinner.

"We'd like to welcome to the booth" - Someone who knows nothing about racing.

"For those of you who just joined us.." - Let's recap the three laps of this dull race that were actually exciting.

"Let's take you back a few laps." - To something we completely missed because we were doing the "bald and fat" comedy routine again.

"This is a family sport.." - So we do whatever the France family tells us to.

"Here's the tail end of the incident." - We're clueless as to what happened. Our camera man missed it.

"From this angle it's hard to tell." - You can see whose fault it is but we don't want to irritate his sponsor.

"Certainly didn't mean to do that." - Can you believe what this idiot did?

"Sometimes in the heat of the moment." - This guy just made a complete ass of himself.

"This decision was never about money." - It was about money. And they gave me a Rolex too.

"Broadcast partner" - Lap dog.

"We're going to cut away for a quick commercial break so we can show the next sequence of pit stops" - You have enough time to fly your blimp to Dublin and find a four leaf clover.

"Sportscenter is coming up at the top of the hour." - We're not going to interview the winner.

"Our finishes don't reflect how well we've run" - Every time we get into the top ten either the bonehead crashes or an engine blows.

"We remain 100 percent committed to our driver" - Anyone got Hut or Morgan's home phone numbers?

"It's important to us to grow into new markets" - Drop dead, Bruton. You're not getting a second race date for Texas.

"I'm exploring my options" - The phones not ringing. Looks like I'm heading down to the Busch series again.

"Race recap" - Wanna see all the wrecks again?

"A review of the tape was inconclusive."- Yeah, we screwed up, but what are you going to do about it?

"Good seats are still available" - They cost too much.

"Seldom do you see a run this dominant" - The race is boring as Hell.

"Caution for debris on the track" - Caution to try to add a little excitement to this snoozefest.

"The lapped cars weren't showing us a lot of courtesy" - Chad Little ran into me again.

"Running a unique paint scheme this week" - Damn, but is that ugly.

"Yes indeed. That one is easy to pick out." - What a circus wagon. What is that? A psychedelic tribute to motion sickness?

"Indeed. Gorgeous." - The sponsor is running commercials during the broadcast as well.

"We're going to cut away for a short commercial break so we can show the last 10 laps of the race uninterrupted." - You know, your wife might like a blimp too.