Stages and Cycles of Abuse:

Stage One: The abuser becomes overly attached to his wife or girlfriend. This is because he only feels 'whole' within an intimate relationship, because he has no sense of 'self'. When he feels this extreme attachment he begins to fear his need for her. So, to not feel the fear of being abandoned and to try and regain any kind of sense of self, he starts on his personal vendetta to make her the Bad Girl (in his mind). I have heard this likened to 'playing the bitch tape'. This is when his thoughts and reasoning start to convince himself that she is 'bad' - she is a whore, not to be trusted, she doesn't care about him, the kids, or the house, she doesn't take care of him, etc.

Stage Two: After awhile he breaks out in a rage: insulting her, verbally attacking her, throwing things, or threatening her, hitting her, etc - this is the rage release, where he releases his need of her, his fear of abandonment, his feelings of unworthiness, shame, and of being shameful and no good. He has vented his rage. He now feels strangely calm and at peace. There are four influences to his rage. One: he needs to vent his inner raging turmoil in order to feel good once again. Two: he fears losing his wife more than anything in the world and this fear makes him intensely angry. The more he fears it the more angry he gets - he fears his own vulnerability to her, and his helpless need of her. Anger is just masked fear. Anger is just frustration at not being able to control a certain outcome - anger is, in itself, the fear of being out of control. Three: the more he feels needy of his wife, the more he depends on her, and the more likely he feels the need to end this dependence on her. His anger can actually push her away from him, and him away from her. This separation abolishes him from having to worry about her leaving anymore. It doesn't matter to him anymore. Four: he has been consistently proven and repeatedly shown from his childhood experiences that an overpowing, authoritative, controlling abusive attitude gets you what you want. His father proved to him at a very early impressionable age that anger and rage puts one in 'control'.

Stage Three: Once he vents and rages, he 'lands' back on Earth. He now realizes how very important she really is to him. Then he realizes he has done wrong and may 'lose her'. So, now comes the apologetic stage where he is docile, servile, ashamed, and sorry. Now his wife again enters the Madonna phase - the Good wife phase, he is on his knees to her.

Stage Four: His loving wife returns, feeling safe for a while. She forgives him. Things are, again, wonderful. The relationship is great. Everything is running smoothly. Life has never been better. But...THEY ARE LIVING IN A HOUSE OF CARDS!

and so begins...

Stage One: He gets just so close to her and then he starts the 'fear' of needing her too much, the fear of being abandoned by her. The fear of being exposed as the shameful person he believes he is by the intimacy of being 'known' by her. He feels vulnerable to this 'power' she holds over him. So, he starts again with the 'projecting' his perceived 'badness' onto her. He doesn't want to feel vulnerable to her love. He starts to place his own faults onto her - this way he takes the blame away from himself and avoids taking direct responsibility for his pain, upset, imposed feelings of being threatened, or helpless - and he starts on his personal vendetta to make her the Bad Girl (he runs the 'bitch tape'). He may deny his own sexual longings and desires - and projects these sexual needs and impulses onto his wife - making her out to be a wanton whore. When the abuser can't acknowledge that anything is his fault he redirects the blame to his wife. She can now do nothing right - she is the Bad Wife. And he again builds up in anger and contempt at this woman - until ...he reaches again the 'rage' stage where he releases, where he vents. And the tension is gone, and then...back to Stage Two. And so forth, and so on...Over and over and over, again.