Please read the following paragraph and ask yourself which of these values you can feel genuine in saying out loud to your partner. Both partners make the following commitment out loud to each other.

I am committed to not tolerating hostility, violence, rejection or abandonment in my relationship with you. If you tell me that you feel intimidated or belittled by me I will stop speaking about you and let you leave the room to take a time out, or I will leave the room. If I leave then I will state a time that I will return to finish talking more respectfully about the problem . I will not prevent you from leaving the room, or continue to shame you if you say you're taking a 'time out'.

I seek progress and not perfection. If I cannot reasonably honor this time out commitment then I must admit that I am 'out of my own control' and will put more effort into changing by going to anger management classes, groups, religious counselors or individual therapy.

The solution for stopping an argument before it turns destructive is for the couple to learn to take "Time Outs" early enough so that the passion of the moment does not have couples saying and doing things they regret later.

I know it sounds simple, but that's why it works. I've worked in domestic violence men's groups for 12 years and can tell you that 80% of the men who attend our anger groups were arrested for an incident that involved someone trying to leave the room. Or because someone made abandoning or rejecting statements just to make their point or get through to the other person.

• Make sure the agreement about time outs is secured before the conflict begins. Make these agreements now, before you need it!
• Use the phrase "I'm taking a time out.". This makes it official. State that "This doesn't feel constructive" or "I want to understand what you're saying to me but I can't listen to you now. I'm too mad (or defensive)." Just make sure the words 'time out' are used.
• The person who takes the time out says, "I'll be back by _____ (time) and that we'll talk about this subject later in a more respectful way"

  Taking 'time outs' is the cornerstone of restoring trust within a relationship that has been damaged by intimidation, dominance and fear of being controlled. The time out commitment is presented with an emphasis on both parties making the commitment out loud to each other and following it up with successfully practicing the method, especially using it before you think you need to use it.

"Wish we'd taken a time out sooner!!!!"

It's the most common statement made by both partners after bad things have happened is that they say Seeing evidence of the partner's attention to physical and emotional safety can allow one to begin to trust that these terrible build ups to explosive anger, hostility or violence are becoming a thing of the past. Using time outs is also the measuring stick with which someone who feels abused can make a decision about staying in the relationship any longer. If a respectful request to agree to the guidelines of a time out is turned down by a partner then the impossibility of achieving safety becomes absolutely evident. The person who won't agree to the rules of time out is saying "I reserve my right to use intimidating, controlling and hostile tactics to get what I want".

Without an explicit agreement between partners, what happens when someone tries to end an argument because it's getting too intense, angry or destructive? I probably don't have to tell you that the one who is left behind feels abandoned, rejected and furious. The questions, exercises and advice given here will WORK if you both make the commitments to each other, and do the best you can to mean what you say and to do as you say.

The time out section continues with knowing when to take time outs and identifying warning signs that anger is becoming destructive. Warning signs include thoughts, feelings and body sensations which can be watched for as cues that one is close to losing control. These cues then become the trigger for taking a time out.