Falling in love with the commitmentphobe is the easiest thing in the world to do! The thing about the commitmentphobe is that he (or she) usually comes on very strong in the beginning stages of the relationship. They will hold nothing back to win the heart of their 'victim'. They spend money freely, lavish you with gifts, smother you with attention, compliment your every move, rush to help you out, paint your living room, change your oil...etc. They quickly make you feel extremely special - and lovable - and very desirable - and wanted - and attractive - and wonderful - and, well, you get the picture :) It is hard to resist falling in love with the commitmentphobe! How can you resist someone who thinks that you are just so incredibly special and adorable? They will even make references to the future using the 'we' word, making you believe that a future with this man (woman) is indeed possible - and probable! (If you question the commitmentphobe about past relationships, they will probably tell you about many failed relationships - but make you believe it was just because they hadn't found anyone as 'wonderful' and 'special' as you!)

Beginning Stages

• he comes on strong and shows more interest in you than you do in him
• he tells you that you are special, or indicates your ‘specialness' in other ways
• even though he has many failed relationships, he makes you feel that it was just because he has never met anyone like you
• he goes out of his way to impress you
• he comes on as ‘needy' and ‘vulnerable', you almost feel sorry for him
• he hints around that he is looking for a more ‘permanent' and stable relationship, and drops clues of marriage
• goes out of his way to be with you, do things for you, even canceling other plans and disrespecting his friends
• he calls you up just to say ‘hi' - often
• he refers to you both in the future sense, "when 'we' go to Bahamas 'next year', I want to buy you that..."
• he acts as if you are the number one priority in his life
• he is sympathetic to women's plights, and often belittles other men who treat women poorly
• he goes out of his way to earn your trust
• he tries to convince you to ‘commit' to him exclusively or sexually

What can I say - by now you're sunk!

Once he has won your heart over is when you start getting very subtle hints and clues that there is something very terribly wrong about the relationship. But you are so 'brainwashed' from his massive 'win-you'over' campaign that it doesn't even occur to you that this man has problems. After all, he is MADLY in love with you - he would never leave you!

Middle of the Relationship

• he seems to be very slowly and gradually diminishing his time, calls, and attentiveness towards you
• he is sending you mixed messages and confusing his emotions, "come here - go away"
• he compartmentalizes his life with you and his life without you
• he is uncomfortable in your ‘territory', i.e. your friends, family, and social group
• he starts to make you less of a priority in his life and he has ‘rational' reasons why - which you buy because 'he is just sooooo in love with you'
• your sex life changes - he may become less aggressive, leaving you to initiate sex more
• your time together starts to become scheduled. You feel more like a ‘duty' or a ‘chore' of his, then an actual part of his life. There is *His Life* and then there is *His Life With You*. You are not allowed in *His Life* - you are excluded from meeting/knowing his friends, family, career associates, etc., they are considered 'forbidden territory' to you. You are not included in his hobbies, sports, weekend activities, children, etc.
• he twists your simple expectations, accusing you of pressuring him with 'demands', and he turns your innocent requests into accusations that you are 'nagging' and 'trying to control' him
• your needs aren't getting met, and you feel as if he isn't really ‘listening' to you, or ‘hearing' what you are saying
• he points out the good things about you, but acts almost resentful and uncomfortable when you display these things
• there seems to be some issues that make it hard for him to easily visit you or stay with you (i.e. you live too far, he doesn't like your cat)
• he starts major fault-finding, and blatantly points out your flaws - real or imagined (this is the stage where your ego is crushed and your self-esteem takes a massive nose-dive. He will concentrate on the one thing about you that you CAN'T change - such as your religion, your height, your skin tone, your family, your financial status, etc.) He exaggerates your faults and flaws to enormous proportions
• you start to suspect he is seeing others
• he lies to you about his life ‘outside' of you
• he agrees to change and makes a big show of remorse. He acts confused and conflicted - you actually feel sorry for him
• the relationship stops growing, and he refuses to ‘talk' about the relationship, or avoids making committed changes

It is at this stage in the relationship that you think you just need to love him stronger, or do even more 'wifely' things for him. You cook his favorite foods, wear your sexiest negligees - etc. BUT the more you love him - the more you end up pushing him away. The more you try to be an 'understanding wife' figure, the more he feels the impending threat of 'commitment'. Your loving intentions only serve to drive the commitmentphobe further away.

He will start to find fault in you - this is his way of always having an 'out'. He stores these 'flaws' subconsciously, thinking to himself, "well, I could NEVER marry her - I couldn't possibly spend my life with a woman who is only 5'1" - I love long legs!" He needs these flaws to use as an excuse when the time comes to exit (and the time WILL come!)

The problem with the Middle Stage is that in your mind you are still in the Beginning Stage. You still think he is madly head-over-heels in love with you and would never, ever leave you. You are still delusional from the intensity of his 'beginning' love. You start to think that maybe you are doing something wrong, and so you try harder to show him your love. You even do 'wifely' things to show him how good a wife you would be if he were to marry you. All this does is drive the fear of commitment closer to his conscious mind and he starts to panic! He needs to get out of the relationship because he feels like he can't breathe. Being around you causes him anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, since he is a commitmentphobe that means he can't commit - either way. He can't commit to being with you forever, yet he can't commit to not being with you forever, either. So, he can't find the courage to leave you. Thus, he decides that he will make you do the leaving!

The End of the Relationship

• he finds constant fault with you
• he starts dating other women, in hopes that you will catch him (yet, surprisingly, if you do catch him he will cry and beg for forgiveness - that's because he still can't commit to not having you!)
• he spends less and less time with you
• he ignores your needs and wants

The hardest breakup in the world is that with the commitmentphobe. You are left confused, wondering what you did wrong. He loved you so much that you must have done something terribly wrong to kill that love. You have been belittled, insulted, and nit-picked to the point where your ego is crushed, you have low self-esteem, you feel rejected, unloveable, unworthy, unacceptable, and excluded. You wonder how anybody would ever want to be with you - you are just so horrible. And the funny thing is is that you want to get him back because you believe only he can make you feel better. Because it is he who made you feel so bad.

The commitmentphobe isn't a bad person - he just simply has a phobia of being 'trapped', much as a claustrophobic fears confinement in small places, or a demophobic fears being in crowds. This fear is so intense that, even though he can love another very much, he feels an intense need to be 'free' of them. Feeling pressured for a commitment can cause him to have a panic attack. He searches for a way out in the end just as hard as he searched for a way 'in' in the beginning.