The Female Misogynist

 

BY DONNA LYPCHUK

People like to think that misogyny is an art practised exclusively by men. Let's face it. Women screw other women over every day. Female misogyny is a very unpopular subject, because we "sisters" have to look like we're smiling and sticking together, even while vigorously plunging knives into each other's backs.

No, I wouldn't be a good feminist, a good witch, if I didn't portray all women as nurturers tending to each other's inner child. I'm supposed to ignore that women talk behind each other's backs, sleep with each other's mates, call each other names, steal each other's jobs and resent each other's success.

The women that will try and screw you over the worst are usually the ones that consider themselves to be the hippest, most socialized and powerful. However, a girl doesn't have to be a Power-Mad Bitch to be a female misogynist -- she just has to really hate women. And there are a lot of women out there who really hate other women, even more than they hate men, or themselves.

Female misogynists tend to abuse each other in covert, sneaky or devious ways, using nuance and subtlety to accomplish their wicked work. What follows is a list of symptoms to help you distinguish a potentially toxic, harmful bitch from a possible true best friend.

THE GATEKEEPER: She's usually a wordless, unsmiling executive secretary or sullen supervisor. You know she can be friendly, because you hear her being chatty and animated on the phone. Yet she treats every friendly overture from you like an impending rape. Her goal in life is to keep you in the dark about everything for as long as possible. She is like the dog Cerberus at the Gates of Hell. She knows her male boss is Satan, responsible for years of her own misery and oppression. However, she will do everything in her power to prevent you from getting in Satan's good books. Hates other women because she doesn't know any other way.

THE HONEST TYPE: Uses "honesty" to consistently insult or embarrass you. This is the good friend who will scream "Hey, you finally plucked your eyebrows!" when you're in the middle of an intimate chat with an object of desire. This not-so-subtle saboteur will also blurt out things like "You look really fat in that dress" to undermine you because, like a four-year old child, she just can't stand seeing someone else get any attention. There is a more authoritarian version of The Honest Type who will make you feel as bad as possible about an already bad situation by trying to act like some kind of adviser, saying something really helpful like: "To be honest, if I were you, I would kill myself." Hates women with unconditional love.

LITTLE MISS MISERY: Can be compared to the hand that sticks up out of the grave in the horror movie Carrie and tries to pull you under with the dirt of the past. If something bad happens to you, she's right there, re living the entire drama with you in lurid 3-D. However, she's the first one to sneer if you suddenly become successful, and may even try to smear you by telling others what a sad sack you really are. Little Miss Misery loves company. Hates women because no one hurts as much as she does.

THE "I'M ADDICTED TO A DICK": She's a fabulous person with a wonderful boyfriend. You, on the other hand might as well be a chair, a doorknob or a vase. This kind of misogynist shows her hatred of you by forcing you to focus completely on her boyfriend at all times. She may even do this after they've broken up. Hates other women because at the moment, other women don't exist -- just him.

THE LEADER OF THE COVEN: Uses gossip to gain power over others. She gets a "high" from betraying another woman's confidence, even if it means that woman will really suffer. Will gladly phone you up and offer you unsolicited information about your ex-boyfriend because she thinks you might be "interested." She might even have a little chat with him just so that she can find some purpose in life as a conduit of painful information. Hates other women because they have a life.

THE DADDY-FOCUSED DICKHEAD: This kind of woman acts one way when it's just the two of you together, and another when there is a male in the room. If there's a conversation going on, she won't meet your eyes, but filter everything through what the man says and back to you. This is her way of letting you know she knows on which side her bread is buttered. Secretly, she thinks that true feminists get ahead by humoring men and behaving in stereotypical feminine ways. The sad fact is nothing she does is validated without the approval of the nearest male. Hates other women because they can't provide her with security.

Women act like misogynists because they secretly believe that women are inferior. Who can blame them for this when we keep behaving like we do? Me, I'm proud of my own misogyny. I hate the women I've described above. I really do. I hate them for screwing me over, not to mention themselves and the entire women's movement every single chance they get. Hey, at least I'm the Honest Type.