Observations of the Forsaken �?Dealing with a break up.
By Trevor J Sykes
Disclaimer: I am not a therapist or professional by any means, just observations on a board I belong to and my own personal experiences.
SYNOPSIS
We have all been through it. That dull ache in your chest, the lack of appetite, lack of sleep, then too much sleep, depression, feeling physically ill. You’re so anxious you could gnaw off your feet. You are experiencing a relationship breakup that was not consensual in the termination. You probably got hung out to dry. After reading literally hundreds people’s stories and based on my own experience I have drawn a few trillion conclusions about this whole process, and how to deal with your immediate concerns.
THE CONTRACT
If I were to hand you a contract saying, if you sign you will be happy with this person in a relationship but after three years he/she would either:
a) cheat on you
b) become a substance abuser
c) become abusive to you
d) treat you coldly
e) lie
f) steal
Would you sign? The romantic would say�?better to have loved than never loved at all. But how true is that really? Wouldn’t it be worse knowing that you had a GOOD frame of reference to compare to, and wouldn’t the disappointment be that much more crushing knowing they weren’t merely just a jerk all the time?
Actually it is a kind of a trick question, when you get to the root of it. If the person did any of those things your relationship is already in trouble AND if the person was so sweet before, lo and behold they are not that person any more.
People change and evolve and I find that everyone has a hard time accepting that, especially when people change for the worse. They use previous actions and behaviors to defend the person who isn’t acting like that any more. I have done it a million times. It’s called denial, and we all do it to protect our minds and hearts from excessive pain.
The ongoing struggle of the Break-up recovery process is by definition facing the truth, and not dressing it up in your own traumatized logic. Think about it, are you thinking clearly now? How can you possibly hope to objectively come to any conclusions? My advice, don’t make things overly complex. In other words don’t trust your own thought process at this time.
The real bottom line is you wouldn’t sign the contract. Because on paper it would look like the cost far outweighs the benefits. You would wait for a better offer.
So why don’t you write down what the issues are, and how it has affected your life. Don’t use examples of previous behaviors of the subject; describe what they bring to your life right now. Chances are one of the big things they bring to your life right now is stress. Evaluate what you have written and ask yourself would I sign this contract?
THE MOMENT
In this point and click era, where romance is just a demographic search on an online dating service away. I am finding a great deal of disturbing behavior out there. People sometimes don’t even have the decency to break up with you, they just cease contact. Or send you an email or a text message. Or make up some lame excuse.
Technology has made wonderful times in our lives become terminated by a few keyboard characters, we all quietly accept it, God knows why.
Anyway the moment of the break-up from what I have observed takes many forms but usually it isn’t the teary eyed scene we see in the movies anymore. It usually consists of complete and utter shock on the receiving end, where the person can’t even begin to formulate how to react.
Let’s simplify this interaction of a breakup:
Person A says they don’t wish to be with Person B.
Person B eventually deals with this and moves on.
Ok you’re asking what of motives, or circumstance.
The often used course of reasoning:
Maybe Person A is confused and can’t see the truth, Person A said they still care for me but:
a) They are trying to find themselves
b) They met someone else
c) They want to try other relationships
d) Say you are too this or too that
e) Insert any reason under the sun here
OK fair enough, but the truth is the person still terminated the relationship, regardless of the reasoning. That is the truth, even if they realize they made a mistake, guess what for the simple fact that they hurt you so much, your relationship dynamic has just forever changed.
So regardless if you live happily ever after or not, the wheels of change have been set in motion. The truth is simple they don’t want to be with you at this moment in time, and their actions clearly reflect that. There is no ambiguity, your relationship has ended.
THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD
Now you’re at home, post break up, trying to go through the motions of normal life with this huge void inside you. Anxious, alone, worried. Can’t eat or sleep. You might go out drinking a lot or partying to distract yourself. But that looming cloud of doom, stay right with you.
Guess what? You are experiencing loss. And loss is not conducive to positive emotions, at least not at first.
It is crucial to accept these feelings of loss head on. Open your heart to the pain, embrace it. And understand you DID lose something valuable so it is perfectly acceptable to grieve.
If someone close to you died, would you feel guilty for missing that person? No because you loved them dearly and wish to remember them in that loving light. It’s the same thing with a break up. The person’s feeling has changed and they are no longer that person you have etched in your mind. Remember the good times with fondness, and it is OK to be sad and negative about it. You just lost someone you loved.
My day to day advice during this stage is cease and desist ALL contact. Even if you have something important to say, you are in no emotional state to deliver your message clearly and concisely. If you really feel it was true love, then it will withstand a few days of NO CONTACT, especially since they are the ones that wanted it.
SPIRAL OF SELF-PITY
Ahhhh�? The Spiral of Self-Pity, you’re talking to an expert, though I am sure I have a hell of a lot of colleagues out there.
This is where you get the uncontrollable urge to call, see, email, or instant message them. You always have something more to say, or explain, or clarify. You HAVE to tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you.
Just keep in mind they already knew all this when they broke up with you. If they wanted clarification, or to hear your side they would have asked, not broken up with you. Again back to realizing the truth of the situation.
And with every attempt at contact, you push them farther away. The farther they get the worse you feel about yourself. Until the point where you are becoming a door mat and apologizing for things you know full well weren’t entirely your fault. Even if this type of guilt manipulation works and you get back together what the hell is your relationship founded on? You just established an abusive pattern in which you cower and swallow your own feelings and beliefs at the slightest sign of abandonment.
Even in the ‘let’s be friends�?idiotic scenario, the person that broke up with you wants just that to be friends. And I believe that sometimes this is really genuine.
BUT you are in no condition to be a friend, you need support and you can’t get that from the freaking subject of your distress. Also how can you go instantly into friend mode, when you haven’t even accepted the loss of the relationship? Again you’ll be locked into pattern of wanting someone and existing in emotional hell, while your ex-partner grows and develops. That really doesn’t seem like a fair deal does it? I also know no one that has successfully gone from a romantic relationship to a real friendship. It doesn’t work until both parties have healed and become their own person again.
Mind you in mutual break ups I have seen the friend transition work seamlessly, but we aren’t talking about that kind of situation.
Again: NO CONTACT and remember your not capable of being a friend you haven’t even got over the relationship. You want to be friends in some hope that the person will come to their senses and you’ll be right there to live happily ever after.
The self-pity cycle can get even worse. Sometimes people turn to partying, compulsive behavior, self-inflicted emotional and physical trauma, they utilize these devices to ignore or forget the loss they are experiencing. This only delays the entire acceptance process and further puts road blocks between you and you opening your eyes to the truth of the situation. I sure as hell am not one to talk, historically; if I had a second home it would be The House of Denial, right on Self-Pity road.
Go see friends, and family, explain the situation and how you feel, once or twice. Then stop, and try to enjoy their company and distract yourself from the situation. Give yourself some breathing room. Talking endlessly about how much you miss them, you can’t believe this happened, etc is part of utilizing your support community.
BUT if that is all you talk about. You may as well just stay home and repeat the self-pity cycle without bothering others with it. This is much easier said than done, but if you can do it, you are going to be just fine.
After my last break-up I was so down I decided what the hell, why not try it the other way. So I forced myself day in and day out to keep trying to see the truth for what it was. No drinking, no prolonged periods of time doing ‘what if�?scenarios. I tried to stay positive with my friends; after I initially told them and garnered their sympathy.
And I kept referring back to the ‘contract�?stating the list of how this person affects me at this point in time.
Time and time again, same conclusion: Regardless of how this person was, they are not that way or that person any longer.
Then I took it a step further�? I did an inventory of what I truly didn’t like about the person while in the relationship. I wrote it with the passion that only a scorned lover can feel.
I was bloody shocked: It all pointed to why the hell was I ever with this person in the first place, and how could I let them treat me like that. It furthered my conviction that this is a contract I would never have signed.
We all tend to focus on the fond memories of the relationship, try focusing on some of the things you didn’t like. Make a list!
BABY STEPS
So now you’re at the point where sometimes you miss them sometimes, and there are triggers all around you that release a profound sense of sadness in you. That is totally normal; you can’t just erase your past. SO don’t try.
Instead it is time to start being proactive in your recovery.
Get out of the house whenever possible
Volunteer
Put in extra effort at work
Strengthen your relationships with friends and families.
Dance nude around the house
Sing in the shower
Write long convoluted diatribes like this, that no one will read
Start a web log
Have bubble baths
Read
Work out
Eat and/or cook good food
Volunteer to be a listening ear for someone
You get the idea, just make sure you don’t overwhelm your self to the point where you have too much to do and it becomes stressful. Keep it pleasurable, indulge yourself, you can do it with out any money at all.
YOU: THE HUMAN MAGNET
People are attracted to strong, positive people. Without realizing it you have become one of those people, by doing stuff for yourself.
This is where the clouds part and rays of sun cascade down on your face as you bask in the joy that can only come of being in love with the only thing that will never let you down: Yourself.
You’ll be surprised how many people want you around at their events and how many people will crawl out of the wood work to try and meet you.
Date, have fun and keep doing those little pleasurable things for yourself. Don’t let any potential mate take away that core of happiness you have built around you. If you lose them who cares, you have become a vibrant person and everyone around you is grateful your in their lives.
This magnetic attraction coupled with the lessons you learned from the break up, will almost definitely find you the REAL love you seek. Heck it might even be with the EX again.
Oh by the way this is the time you CAN contact them, if you really need to and clarify, rehash, etc. Chances are you won’t even be bothered. My bets are on the fact that you don’t even really care too much about that situation any more.
OPENING YOUR HEART
The final and most important thing you’ll get from all this, is that you will have dealt with these issues, and you won’t be carrying the fears, anxieties and problems from your relationship with your ex, into your new relationships.
You will be able to open your heart like the new relationship is your first and the only one that matters. And so it should be you are a creature of the present, not a product of the past, give that special person a chance with a clean slate!
One Life. One Soul. One Chance.
Take It!
Trevor J Sykes