How much money should my wife earn?
After resigning from her job in March, Amy has spent the past several weeks in pursuit of new employment. In front of her hang several possibilities, the salaries separated by about $30,000.
At the high end, our life as a family is easier and our finances are more stable -- no small thing for me since I worry about the permanence of my job as a work-at-home employee. At the low end, her life as a worker is easier and her availability to our children is greater -- no small thing for Amy, given what she was forced to deal with in her recent experience.
So, how do we decide?
Nothing is more fundamental to family finance than the paycheck. It determines what you can afford and, to a certain degree, the quality of life you can pursue. But if one spouse loses a job or, as in Amy's case, voluntarily leaves one, does the still-working partner have a vote on the replacement position?
As Amy and I talk these days about her next move, I can't help but wonder what my role is. How much say does a spouse have? Can you push your spouse to take a particular job because it makes you more comfortable? Or is job selection, like solitaire, ultimately a game you must play solo?
* * *
Picking a job, of course, doesn't have to be all about money. It's also about stress, time and ambition. It's about passions, family needs and responsibilities.
Amy certainly has plenty of opportunities. A number of potential employers have come calling. Some offers are lower paying with lower stress. Others come with much bigger pay, but much bigger responsibility. One sounds especially interesting, and the paycheck is nice, but it demands a daily commute of an hour or so each way. Another is a position similar to what she just left because ultimately it wasn't the right job for her.
And into this mix there is her husband, me, who argues from an admittedly narrow perspective: "Why not maximize your earnings potential while you can?"
The truth is that I grew accustomed to Amy's elevated income during the time she served as a hospital executive. Sure, it was a brief stint before she resigned -- just seven months -- but I went into this expecting she'd be in her dream job for a while. I got used to the money, and I hate to see it go.
So, I want her to take a job that pays a higher salary, and I've made that clear to her. As I told her, a big part of me wants to feel that my family is secure financially if something happens to my job and I can't replace my income for a while. I've run the numbers all sorts of ways on our spending-plan spreadsheet, and I know that at the lower end of the salaries she's considering, financial security becomes a tough stretch if I lose my job. We've spent years accumulating enough savings to support us for many months, and I don't relish the idea of digging into that stash if we have the power to prevent it.
On a more emotional level, I also feel slightly cheated. I left a secure situation in New Jersey to follow Amy to Baton Rouge for her dream job, in part because I knew her higher salary would afford an improved standard of living for our family. It would mean buying things we couldn't otherwise afford, taking vacations we wouldn't otherwise go on, and saving more for our retirement. While I certainly don't want to leave Louisiana -- as I've written, it feels like I've finally found my true home -- I do want her to live up to her earning potential.
Amy's comment is that "whatever happens, we'll survive." And without question, she's right.
But as I always tell her when she throws up that defense, "I'm not busting my butt to just 'survive' when we have the opportunity to do so much better."
* * *
Amy told me the other night that she turned down two jobs at two different hospitals on the same day, "because I know they don't pay enough."
These jobs both offered the smallest salaries, but she liked them because she would have had the freedom to design her job from scratch. Moreover, she knows -- and likes -- the people she would have worked for. She also would have had regular hours, giving her more time with her family.
But she turned them down because she knew how I felt about the money. And while she understood my position, it left her frustrated and resentful.
Her frustration got me thinking about whether I've been fair in pushing her to grab for the money. I recalled the torment of her former job; the anger she came home with every night; the dread she felt at having to walk through those doors in the morning to face it all again. I remembered how hard it was for me and the kids -- and how much I hated having to take on so much more of the household responsibilities because Amy wasn't available.
I retreated into my home office and called a longtime friend whose blunt advice I respect. He immediately asked me how I'd feel if Amy could only get a low-paying job -- and she then insisted that I find a job that pays more than I earn now, even though I love what I do?
"Why should she sacrifice what she wants in a job just because you already happen to have a job first, or because you're paranoid about losing yours?" he asked. "Besides, your job isn't at risk now. Maybe you're a little more vulnerable, but is it enough to make Amy take a job she hates? And do you want Amy to take a job that will make her miserable, just because she feels guilty that you moved down here for a job that didn't work out?"
His point was well taken.
At the end of the day, I've come to this conclusion: Selecting a job can't help but be largely a solo affair.
The best you can do when you're on my side of the window is share your concerns so that your partner understands where you're coming from.
The best your partner can do is take your concerns into account, which I know Amy will. But, as I told her over lunch last week, "ultimately, the decision is yours. If you want one of the jobs you turned down, then you should tell them you're still interested. If you want to pursue a different job, that's your decision, too."
I don't know which one she'll choose; I know she called one of the hospitals she originally turned down, but she has also been talking to another potential employer that would pay her substantially more.
I still think the added money would be great. But having seen her when she's tormented at work, I think a happy Amy would probably be better -- for everybody.