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Helping Friends : What Every Man Needs To Know About Sex Addiction And Relationships
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From: MSN NicknameSilken2004  (Original Message)Sent: 7/21/2006 11:38 PM

What Every Man Needs To Know About Sex Addiction And Relationships

  1. Do you spend time with pornography and/or masturbation that could be spent with your partner?
    |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

    Here's a common scenario that might describe your situation: The wife or girlfriend tells the sexually addicted guy she wants more time with him. He doesn't give her the time she wants.

    After a while she stops asking. The guy thinks it means everything is OK. He's wrong.

    When she stops asking, it means:

    • She is resigning herself to an unhappy relationship, which means an unhappy one for him too.

    • Or it's the first sign she is about to end the relationship.

    The time you put into masturbation/porn hurts your relationship.

  2. Do you think that masturbation and/or porn has any effect on the sex life between you and your partner?
    |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

    Many sexually addicted people think that masturbation/pornography has no effect on the sex between themselves and their partner.

    Others think that masturbation and/or porn releases excess sexual energy.

    Both of these ideas are mistaken.

    The more you get into masturbation/pornography, the less interested you become in your partner.

    The idea that masturbation and/or porn releases pent-up sexual energy sounds like the defensive overeater who tries to claim, "If I don't eat this instant, I'll starve."

    Your relationship suffers because of masturbation/pornography. So does your sex life.

  3. Do you think that masturbation and/or pornography helps you stay in the relationship?
    |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

    This is another example of how some people lie to themselves about their addictions.

    Here's another one: Alcoholics who get blind drunk and then insist on driving home because, "I drive better when I've had a few drinks in me."

    If you're into masturbation/pornography and there are serious problems in your relationship, your addiction is making your relationship worse.

    Your addiction is helping you as much as a drink helps an alcoholic.

  4. If you have sex with other people besides your partner, do you think it has any effect on your relationship?
    |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

    When you're in a relationship, whatever you do sexually impacts your partner, even if she doesn't know what you're up to.

    Let's take one issue: the guilt of living a double life. That alone hurts your relationship.

    If you're cheating on your partner, don't take it lightly. It's hurting you and her more than you realize.

  5. Do you sneak your masturbation/pornography?
    |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

    Despite the politically correct crowd's claim that masturbation/pornography is not a problem, here's a simple fact of life: A good relationship is based on honesty.

    When you sneak part of your sex life, your relationship suffers because of dishonesty.

    And if you're not addicted, then why are you sneaking it?

    Answer: You sneak it because you don't want to admit your addiction to yourself or your partner.

  6. Have there been arguments between you and your partner about your masturbation and/or use of pornography?
    |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

    Here's what happens in relationships if there are bitter fights over masturbation/porn and the addictive behavior is not overcome:

    • She ends the relationship, or

    • If there are children involved, she waits until they get older, then divorces you, or

    • She resigns herself to a bitter, unhappy marriage and secretly resents you.

  7. Have there been arguments between you and your partner about staring?
    |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

    If you and your partner fight over staring, you're addicted.

    Talk to your partner about it and she'll tell you that she doesn't expect you to walk around like you're blind to feminine beauty. Her point is that you don't just notice an attractive woman. You stare.

    You probably think your partner's overdoing it. Don't bet on it. You're the one who's overdoing it. That's why there's fighting between the two of you about it.

  8. Do you wish the sex life between you and your partner was better?
    |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

    From a sex addiction point of view, relationships suffer sexually because:

    • The sexually addicted person treats his partner as a sex object. As a result, the partner is turned off to having sex with him.

    • Because of sexually addictive behavior, other conflicts in the relationship are not resolved. That results in loss of closeness, trust, and warmth.

    • The sexually addicted person puts emotions and sexual energy into his addiction, ignores his partner, and then complains that she's not interested in him.

    • The sexually addicted person uses his partner as a sex addiction substitute. Eventually the partner realizes it and the sex life is ruined for both of them.

  9. Does porn turn you on more than your partner does?
    |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|

    If your answer is Yes or Sometimes, you're comparing your partner to an addictive fantasy. The sooner you break away from fantasy and masturbation/porn, the better for both of you.

Let's use an FAQ to discuss other issues that might be on your mind:

  • What if I think I'm sexually addicted?

    You can either continue on with your addictive behavior and try to live with it. Or you can seek help. Or you can try to overcome it on your own.

    You worst alternative is to attempt nothing.

    Your best alternative is to find someone whose been through it themselves and how can help you. Chapter 10 provides a guide on how to find a good counselor.

  • I've been trying to overcome sex addiction for years. I feel like I'm a lost cause.

    You're not a lost cause. The approach you've been taking hasn't worked. It's like anything else in life, if you set a goal and you don't achieve the goal then you either change your approach or give up the goal.

    You do not have to spend the rest of your life caught in sex addiction. You can overcome it. You just need an approach that works.

Dear Joe,

Before talking with you, I was using alcohol, prescription medication, and, of course, sex (porn, masturbation, staring, cheating with men and women) to escape from life.

The sad thing was how ridiculously lost I was in my escapism, to the point of not knowing how truly lost I was. The end result was a life filled with lies. I lied to everyone, including myself, my wife, and even you. I was a mess.

You and I took that mess and started figuring things out, started putting together the puzzle of what I was escaping from.

You helped me to identify my most basic fears: fear of failure, and fear of rejection. You also helped me see the rewards that real life offers, and is there for the choosing.

These rewards include: 1) an intimate relationship with my wife, filled with honesty, respect, and true love; and 2) the potential for success and love (the opposite from failure and rejection) in all aspects of life.

I am such a better person. A happier person. Life is now something to enjoy, rather than tolerate.

Thank you. Thank you!


(Real name withheld)

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