I get a few letters each month from concerned friends or family members of someone involved in an abusive relationship. Some of these folks have proof, others have only suspicions. The common thread, however, is that the person in question seems to be doing nothing about the situation.

Physically and emotionally abusive relationships have a complicated psychology. So your first task as a friend/relative is to stop applying logic to this inherently illogical situation. Your second is to avoid judging—don’t judge the person you’re trying to support, the abuser or yourself. Instead, be supportive and take responsible actions that improve the situation without making it worse.

I asked my friend, Jumoke, a survivor of a 10-year abusive relationship, to share what worked when she was in that situation, what didn’t, and what she wished people had done.

Telling The Truth

Most abuse victims aren’t going to come right out and tell you what’s going on. In many cases, they aren’t even admitting it to themselves. Daniel and fear forced Jumoke to keep her situation hidden better than Solomon's treasure.

If you want to try to talk about it with your friend, start the conversation gently and make it about you, not her. Try something like, “I care so much about you and I’m concerned. Is everything okay?�Don’t press for details; this isn’t an interrogation. Once she feels badgered, she’ll likely retreat. She may not tell you, but you’ve opened the door if she feels like talking later.

Offering Support

Jumoke told a few people when she was deciding to leave. They all vowed to be there for her, but it was promises of real help, like a place to stay or a little cash, that gave her the mettle �and the means �to go through with it.

Only you know what you’re capable of doing for a friend in need. But here are some things that can make a significant impact while still respecting your friend’s dignity and keeping the risk of making this situation worse pretty low:

Maintain contact �Make regular contact to ensure she’s okay. Jumoke’s sister called daily at a particular time to check in. If Jumoke missed the call, her sister would wait 30 minutes and call back or drive by. If your friend doesn’t have a cell phone, you can buy her one yourself.

Offer safe harbor �Many women feel they have no place to go on short notice. Let her know she can stay with you before she needs to. Similarly, offer to store copies of her important papers, such as police reports, a will, financial documents, etc.

Provide an escape hatch �Sometimes abused partners need to exit quickly. Offer to be on call to spirit your friend out of a bad situation. If Jumoke called me and said, “I heard from my sister today,�it meant I should meet her at the corner in 20 minutes.

Give monetary support �Some women literally can’t afford to leave. If your friend has limited funds, offer to keep a certain amount on hand for her. Or open a joint account with her (remember to use your address, please) so she can salt away some cash in a secret stash before she leaves.

Secure emotional support �Some women benefit from seeing a therapist to help them get out of an abusive relationship. One of Jumoke’s friends alerted a therapist that Jumoke might call on short notice for an appointment. She also pre-paid for the initial visit.

Get professional help �Few women get good financial counsel before leaving and then suffer from the decision later. Arrange for your friend to see an accountant or financial planner to get her finances in order now. Similarly, get her a family lawyer who can clue her in on laws. In some states, the batterer can sue the wife who leaves him for abandonment or, even worse, for kidnapping if she takes the kids. A skilled attorney can minimize the chances of making a costly legal mistake.

Build a network �Every state has organizations designed to help women who are leaving abusive situations. Create a list for your friend that includes resources that can meet her particular needs (emergency shelters, child care facilities, financial assistance, etc.).

Remember that quite a bit of time often elapses between the decision to leave and the actual departure. During this time it’s critical that your friend knows she isn’t alone in this and that she has the freedom to get out at any time and in any way, that’s right for her. Your support could, literally, be the difference between life and death. But act rationally and carefully. You don’t want your actions to end up escalating the violence against your friend, or to endanger your own safety.