Addiction to drugs or alcohol is terrible but dating an addict may be even worse. It is confusing, embarrassing, socially and emotionally destructive and very, very lonely. The partners of addicts often find it difficult to reach out to friends and family about the problem, preferring to suffer in silence.

What is Addiction?

Addiction is generally defined as a strong emotional and/or psychological dependence on a substance that has progressed beyond voluntary control. The most common addictions are to substances like alcohol and drugs but can include things like gambling, sex, porn and food. A 2002 National Survey on Drug Use & Health, (NSDUH), estimated that 22.8 million Americans (9.7 per cent of the total population) were in need of treatment for an alcohol or illicit drug problem. Of those needing treatment, 20.5 million (a disheartening 89 per cent of addicts) did not receive treatment.

Dating an Addict

The insidious thing about addiction is that it disproportionately harms those who love and care about the addict most. In an interview with the Online Ledger, Bruce Cotter, a recovering alcoholic, addiction counselor and author of When They Won't Quit, said, "I have come to believe that the only thing worse than being an addict is to be in a relationship with one. Addicts take their spouses hostage. They will decide the overall health of the relationship: How they will parent. Where they will live. Who their friends will be. How much or how little money they will have. Whether or not they will have legal problems. Generally, how their lives will be lived."

Of course those are merely the external effects of living with addiction. Perhaps more insidious is the emotional toll it takes on loved ones. To paraphrase Alcoholics Anonymous:

"Alcoholism is a family disease affecting everyone with a relationship to the addict. Those closest to them suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in their behavior. They react to the alcoholic's behavior; focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. They try to control their drinking for them. They take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. They can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. They, too, can become ill." 

But Shouldn't I "Stand By Them?"

The partners of addicts often spend years trying to "fix" their partner's addiction. Twenty-five-year-old Susan* was dating Steve, a cocaine addict. At first he just partied late with friends and she didn't suspect anything was wrong. "Then he started coming home later and then not coming home for days at a time. I thought that if I loved him enough, I could help him through it. The problem is that love isn't stronger than addiction. It took me five years to figure this out."

Doctor Floyd P. Garrett is a practicing psychiatrist and psychotherapist and Medical Director at Behavioral Medicine Associates, a private outpatient mental health practice in the United States, specializes in treating addiction. In his article, Addiction, Lies and Relationships, Dr. Garrett explains why love is often not enough to conquer addiction:

"In addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family -- for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst, and more commonly, betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary 'less than' status in relation to the addiction -- and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them."

Addicts do and say anything to keep using. Says Jonah, whose wife Emma was addicted to the painkiller OxyContin, "Emma would tell me that she could quit at anytime she wanted, or she'd break down crying and admit how wrong she'd been but promise she'd change. The problem was she never did, and I got tired of hearing it over and over again."

Again, Dr. Garrett provides some insight. "The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction..."

You Are More Important Than the Addiction

The sad truth is that you cannot make an addict change. If you are the partner of an addict, you must put yourself ahead of the addiction. Jacqueline discovered this while living with a gambling addict for four years. "It is tough to love an addict. At first, I looked for ways to support him, to help him recover. What I came to realize is that I needed to recover and my boyfriend needed to be in charge of his recovery -- not me. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do, he would recover or relapse regardless of me."

Further, the addiction often damages you financially and emotionally -- it may even unknowingly undermine your health. Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., a social psychologist, relationship expert and bestselling author whose latest book is Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, adds a chilling detail. "Research has found that many wives of addicts are at risk for HIV because their husbands use dirty needles or have secret sex lives."

Janice discovered her husband's secret sex life and confronted him with it. "We'd been married 15 years with four kids," she remembers. "Three years ago my AH [addicted husband] decided that I no longer made him happy, because I was constantly trying to change him. That meant trying to stop his drinking. He did just what I feared. He found someone else to enable him and tell him what a wonderful person he was while he cheated on his family. I had to learn the hard way that no matter what I said or did he was not going to change."

Get Out to Get Better

"Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go in order for them to get better," says Theresa whose alcoholic husband spent 12 years gambling away their savings until she finally had enough. "Someone told me something that has been passed down from person to person over the years and it finally gave me the courage to leave:"

I didn't cause it

I can't control it

I can't cure it

Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D., and author of the best-selling book His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage, cautions that nothing can be done for relationships with addicts until they take the first step. "My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Al-Anon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics."

Leaving

Obviously, leaving a relationship is a heart-rending decision. You may feel like you are abandoning the addict to their addiction. But what have they done to make you stay? Dr. Thomas H. Schear has over 20 years of experience as a front-line counselor, clinical supervisor and program director. He's often asked if it's OK to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic. "You have to ask yourself what has he done to change," he responds.

"What treatment is he in currently? Has he pursued a relapse prevention program? Has he made a phone call? In short, what efforts has he made to get clean and sober." If the answer is nothing, he adds, "Then why are you in a relationship with a guy who has to change so much? Why not find someone who is healthy? He may be a wonderful loving individual but, quite frankly, how much of your life do you want to spend with the hoping, the disappointment, the frustration, the despair, and more while you continue to hope that somehow he will get into recovery and become healthy."

A Final Thought

I truly hope this article helps those who find themselves in a relationship with someone suffering from addiction. Know that there are many local community organizations that can help you. Seek them out now, not later. Also consider attending an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting in your community. You will find support and understanding from other sufferers. And you'll discover you are not alone in your pain.