Research (Weiten, 1986, p. 386) provides some tentative forewarnings of marital trouble, e.g. (1) one or both lovers' parents have an unhappy marriage, (2) married at an early age, (3) married impulsively, (4) have a low income or financial problems, and (5) one or both lovers have psychological problems.

There are no real surprises here, but also nothing you can really depend on. In fact, some researchers question whether any particular dating or premarital experience helps us make wise choices for a mate (Whyte, 1990). Similar social-economic, religious, ethnic and racial backgrounds of couples are somewhat beneficial, but they don't in general predict marital satisfaction very well, certainly not in individual cases. Family of origin relationships are also only modestly related to marital success, e.g. good relations with mom and dad are slightly correlated with better marriages (Wamboldt & Reiss, 1989). Women with warm, caring fathers dated more trusting men; women with cold, distant fathers dated less trusting men. Men with cold or inconsistent mothers dated more anxious women (and those relationships had problems). There is some evidence that we seek partners similar to our parent of the opposite sex (even if that isn't a wise choice). This might be expected since we first learn about love relationships from our parents.

Many studies have found a moderate negative correlation between marital happiness (or intimacy and trust) and neuroticism, low self-esteem, impulsivity (expressiveness), shyness, and other personality problems, i.e. the better the psychological adjustment, the better the marriage. However, never assume that only your qualities determine how good your love life will be. You could be very well adjusted yourself and still be unhappy in love, if your partner is not well adjusted or has an incompatible attitude or life-style. I don't believe the common notion that it necessarily "takes two to cause marital problems."

According to Collins and Read (1990), if we are comfortable with closeness and feel we can depend on others, we tend to date people with similar characteristics. On the other hand, if we are doubtful that others will continue to love us, we avoid partners who have difficulty getting close and fear abandonment (because they confirm our fears). In general, the best relationships for women are with men who are at ease with closeness; the poorest relationships for men are with women who are afraid of being unloved. Why might this be? Other research confirms that men are more upset by possessiveness and restrictions on their freedom than women are. Women are more upset by uncommunicativeness and a lack of closeness than men are. These problems between men and women may reflect the gender stereotypes we are taught.

High satisfaction has been reported by couples who defy the traditional sex-typing, i.e. masculine, assertive, tough women married to sensitive, caring, relationship-aware men. Also, in a similar but rather surprising way, Type A women (anxious, highly motivated, pressed for time) do better with Type B men (more relaxed, less up tight). Of course, dividing the housework and child care equally and/or fairly contributes greatly to a marriage, as does both spouses being "relationship-aware," communicative, and attentive year after year.

Our satisfaction with our marriage is predicted by how well we communicate, even before marriage, and by how we structure our day-to-day lives together after marriage. If interactions are meaningful and largely positive before marriage, it bodes well for the marriage. If the male is stubborn, defensive, or overly quiet, it is not a good sign. Likewise, men dismissing their partner's problems and women over-reacting to the man's negative feelings were both bad signs. These findings are not surprising but note this: getting angry (pre-marriage) was correlated with having early marriage problems but later with greater marital satisfaction! Perhaps this is evidence that it pays to express and work on problems--and not deny them. Fine, but now you have the problem (with no help from research) of deciding what is enough expressed anger to be a good sign and what is too much so that it becomes an ominous sign (see chapter 7).

In summary, a good marriage partner will probably have a variety of skills, such as social-communication skills with you and others, emotional maturity and control of his/her emotions, tolerance and affection towards you and others, respectful and egalitarian viewpoints, similar interests and values to your's, ability to be responsible and earn an adequate steady income, and effective problem-solving and conflict resolution ability. See chapters 13 and 14 for many of these skills.