Flirting Faux Pas Women Make in Bars

These bartenders have seen 'em all

by Dushan Zaric and Jason Kosmas

Social lubrication (read: having a cocktail) is a common way to gain the confidence to approach men. But once a great guy is in front of you, what should you do and say to keep his attention? Who better to ask but bartenders? Between pouring drinks, they watch men and women interact all night long�?So they know what works �?and what doesn't. Dushan Zaric and Jason Kosmas witnessed so many women try (and fail) to pick up men in bars that they wrote a book about it. In this excerpt from You Didn't Hear It from Us, Zaric and Kosmas set the record straight by revealing the top mistakes women make with men they've just met. Check yourself against this cheat sheet of flirting faux pas, and you're guaranteed better luck on your next night out!

You Disconnect, on Purpose or Not

Obviously, if you don't want to talk to the guy anymore, or you're looking to get out of the bar in general, slowing down the conversation or pulling back a bit is natural. But sometimes we've watched women who swear to us they were really into the guy seem to suggest they'd rather be home knitting. A lot of times it's because they get scared they're being too forward, so they tone it down a little bit to make the guy want more. But the thing is, guys aren't subtle. They don't see that they're supposed to mix the outgoing person you were 10 minutes ago with the reserved person you've just become, and presto! They've seen the real you. Because while you think you're playing coy, you're actually just reading cold.

A friend of ours decided just the other night that he wasn't going to stick around to see if he could follow through with this one woman he'd been talking to all night because she continued to excuse herself, every 15 minutes or so, to go outside and have a cigarette when they were in the middle of a conversation. Understand, this dude doesn't have a problem with women who smoke �?or at least it's not a deal breaker. But since he doesn't have a nicotine addiction, he didn't understand that she wasn't just trying to make an excuse to take breaks because he was boring her. If you're really interested in a guy, see if you can stick around for slightly longer intervals. Or ask him if he'd like to come join you, if you do in fact need to get up every 15 minutes for a break. Otherwise, don't be surprised if there's someone else on your bar stool when you return.

You Engage with Other People

A guy absolutely wants to know that you'll get along with his friends and his mother. Like, a couple of months from now. But all he cares about right now is that you get along with him. When we were asking our friends and customers what could turn them off a woman, the same answer came up again and again: talking to other guys around them. As one pointed out, "Even if I understand in the back of my head that she's doing it to impress me that other guys think she's witty and sexy, all I can think is, 'Fine. Then let one of the other guys have her.'" Obviously, this isn't to say that you shouldn't be polite and nice to the bartender (of course), or the guy's friends if he's out with them and introducing you. But you should monitor your tone so that he understands that the way you're acting with him is special and different from the way you act with men in general. Remember, for that moment, he wants to believe that he's the only one in the room for you.

You Kvetch

We beg you to remember the facts of life: Women bond by going out and talking about every detail of their lives. Men bond by going to a football game and talking about nothing. Do not confuse them, please! Even three martinis in, men will eye the nearest exit if you start to talk about trouble in your life. You think you're sharing an intimate moment; he sees a long, potholed road ahead if he doesn't kick the taco stand and kick it fast. "As soon as a woman starts talking about what's going wrong in her life, I automatically lose interest," one friend says. "I'd like to hear about those things maybe on date four or five, when we're really getting into the nitty-gritty of knowing each other. But isn't she supposed to be trying to impress me when we first meet? I know I'm sure as hell trying to impress her, and I'd like the same treatment back."

You Act like a Crazy Person

To avoid coming across like that woman who thinks she's being charismatic when she's merely speaking way too loud and annoying everyone around her, when in doubt, keep your little "eccentricities" in check. Because while your dramatic emotional life may be just that, it can read to men as nuts. As one of our friends says elegantly, "Sexiness is balance. Nothing is a bigger turnoff to me than a woman who seems unstable. That's not exciting. That's exhausting and boring." Another friend agrees. "I'm not saying I want a woman who is emotionless," he explains, "but falling apart constantly just gets tiresome. Eventually, all men see it as a pointless cry for attention or a passive-aggressive play for leverage." And either one ain't good.

You Confuse Flirting with Fighting

Remember the part about playing nicely with others? Well, we're gonna circle back to that for a minute, because another thing we hear all the time is women deciding that picking a playful fight with a guy is a way of showing him she's interested. It's not. "It drives me totally nuts to watch a woman think that she's being witty when she's just being argumentative," moans one guy who's happily found his match. "I love a witty woman �?my fiancée can talk circles around me when she gets going �?but I hate a woman who picks arguments that are not enlightening or entertaining, just exhausting." And we can't believe we actually have to say this, but our friends have asked us to, since we have the chance: No hitting. Not flirtatiously. Not playfully. Not for nothing. "That drives me crazy!" one guy says. "It's this automatic go-to for a lot of women, where they get overexcited with some hormonal rush or something and she punches me in the arm to make a point. No, no, no. I'm not a sparring partner."

You Speak in Future Tense

We're still stunned, this many years later, by how many women turn the topic, after an hour with a guy, toward the future. Let's be brutally honest for a minute: You may have had your trousseau picked out since you were seven, but no man grows up longing to be married. Not one. Sure, they all assume at some point they'll settle down, have a couple of kids and a nice house somewhere, but the thought hardly fills him with the excitement of, say, the Super Bowl. How many weddings have you been to where the groom gives a toast that says something to the effect of "Wow, she snagged me when I least expected it"? As one of our buddies attests, speaking for so many men, "The worst thing a woman could do when we first meet is turn to me and say, 'So, what do you think about love?'" So let's say that unknowingly, you may have erred in one of these directions. It's not too late to save the night, because you can still get out with your dignity intact. And that means recognizing he's mustering up the energy to cut bait, and then do it first.

Copyright © 2006 by Dushan Zaric and Jason Kosmas.