Many of you may or may not know that the relationship I have been in until one month ago was a relationship that opened my eyes to the fact that even the strongest person can be almost completely destroyed by simply being in the wrong place, at the wrong time and meeting someone who holds a very "different" agenda for relationships than most of us have... You will find many posts in our "Abused Souls" and "Broken & Hurting" forums that relate to "narcissism" and "narcissistic psychopaths" which represent my own struggles to understand how someone like me can suddenly find their lives completely shattered for having met someone I simply didn't understand.
It ended "physically" for me when he was once again removed from my home one month ago yesterday and for the bulk of this month, I have sat in stunned silence trying to sort through the huge feelings and practical problems I have been left with. As I described in a previous post here in "Heart Storms", I have literally "Gumped" for this past month...
But last night, on the first month anniversary of his departure, I left the house with my lil fur baby to wander down the "nature trail" that leads from our mobile home park towards the city. On the last night of there being any peace between us, we had walked this same path with Justus and come across two old wooden chairs that someone had parked beneath the trees in the middle of nowhere. He'd said something funny about our retrieving these battered old relics and trying to sell them at a garage sale. It had made me laugh. In the next moments, something I was trying to talk to him about, set him off and that was the end of any laughter I would have for some time... but of course, I didn't know that then...
I have studiously avoided those chairs on my walks since then but last night, for some reason, I walked right up to them... After looking over my shoulder to make sure no one was around, I kicked one of those old chairs right in the slats!!! All of a sudden, I was absolutely livid.. beyond rage even and I beat the hell outta that poor old chair while calling it every filthy name I could come up with... I yelled at it for causing me to lose my pretty little house.. for forcing me to move away from my kids and grandkids... for being so unbelievably cruel... for terrorizing me into being silent and accepting such rotten treatment... for hurting my reputation and career.. for every filthy name and insult... I mean, I pushed it over, kicked it, slapped it around and lemme just say, if it had been a living thing, it wouldn't be today!
Thankfully, Justy took it good-naturedly and focussed on his territory sprinkles instead of my tantrum...
I came home and inspected my hands for splinters.. I have none! Not one!!!
And I feel better today than I have in a very long time...
Shyann had often asked me, "Mom.. where is your anger? Why aren't you getting pissed off?" Today, I can finally tell her.. "Honey, it wasn't safe for any of us for me to get angry and I did what I had to do... "
My healing has begun...
A better Silken
Free Forum Hosting
Important Announcement
First 
Return to Heart Storms