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| | From:  Silken2004 (Original Message) | Sent: 9/2/2007 5:31 PM |
Many people say "whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger"... I don't particularly believe that... I think that bespeaks a survivor mentality that many of us would not need if we didn't put ourselves into situations where "survivor skills" were not necessary. I think that over time, the things that "kill us", are like the constant dripping of water on a rock... wearing boulders down to pebbles over time. Certainly, the trials of this life are intended to bring knowledge, build strength and test our ability to resist the temptations of all of the addictions where many find refuge from the real world.. BUT.. there is the inevitable pain that brings those things and then, there is "unnecessary pain" that serves only to wear us thin... After almost 5 years of unnecessary pain, I faced these changes in my life with the very anger I was raised not to feel... And using that anger as a shield, I had all of the "unnecessary feelings" that come with "unnecessary pain" this past 6 weeks. While my partner went back to jail for his assault on me, he has had the blessings that come with drunken stupor while I get to remember every cruel word that was said... While he had his last drunken binge, I had fear. While he partied with the rent money, I got to face an angry landlord with my head bowed... And when it came time to decide whether or not I would try to hold onto the little doublewide mobile I'd worked so hard to turn into a cozy home, I could only face that it was time for me to go.. time to disappear... time to try to "embrace the inevitable change"... But how to do it with no money??? During my time, in Kamloops with an abusive, suspicious man who had already raised a 19" dagger to one of my friends, I had remained very withdrawn and reclusive.. unwilling to expose anyone to P's imaginings. Without friends or any kind of support systems, the world became very limited... When the practical side kicked in and I tried to make arrangements for a move, being broke limited my ability to approach my challenges with my usual pride and dignity. That probably hurt more than anything else... to be unable to just pick up the phone and arrange a mover... to be unable to say to that mover, "I need you here on August 31st and you will take my belongings to XXX destination"... But when we are travelling where we are supposed to travel, often God will give us angels and such was the case for me. I found that I had enough money to arrange for two 5' x 8' storage vaults to be delivered to my property which would save the gas of having to drive back and forth from the storage site. I was to load my possessions into the vaults and they would then be picked up on August 31st. The vaults at $60 per month each are cheaper than the normal storage units which were largely unavailable anyway. In arranging these vaults, I made a new friend at the other end of the line and felt strengthened for her compassion in my "situation". She recommended that I read a book titled "Finding Your North Star" by Martha Beck. With that done, the next question became 'how am I supposed to load a queen-sized bed and an 8 foot bookcase that I could barely pick up into a vault that sat at the end of my lengthy driveway'? For several weeks, I pondered without answers. On August 30th, I decided to try to get a couple of guys from the men's recovery mission who would work for $10 an hour. It required that I contact P's ex-employer who was anything but impressed with P. Unbeknownst to me, he already knew about what had happened in the wee hours of July 14th because once again, the court reporter saw fit to splash the details of my horror across the July 21st edition of the local newspaper... He kindly offered me the services of 2 of his men and wished me well. That afternoon, I took my outrage at finding that my name was once again printed in the newspaper out on the Editor for the newspaper. When I left, he had assured me that they will seriously reconsider printing the name of a victim of domestic violence in their paper in the future. He finally understood that it is the way of most people to "blame the victim" and the stigma that attaches serves to destroy the victim's ability to find work... I picked up the men from the mission early in the morning and it was quickly apparent that we didn't have a clue about how we were going to get everything into the two tiny vaults. Our initial attempts looked like we just weren't and I was going to have to leave a bunch of my stuff behind... Then, with another stroke of luck, the guy who was picking up my vaults showed up early and was able to reload the vaults and get everything in... Overtired from working 24 hours straight to get packed, the night time found me struggling with how to get all of the remaining things I would need to fit into the back of my SUV. At 3 a.m., I was still loading my SUV... It was.. the move from Hell... But it was also a move where I found the kindness of strangers still operative in a world that seems to be so detached and impersonal now... I must go but before I do... I will say that it is now a free-floating anxiety that hits me as I prepare to leave my family for my new life so far away... Silken |
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Hi,  I relate to a lot of what you are saying. There is endless humilitation at being broke in situations like these. Swallowing pride with landlords, employers children and family is very hard. It's so hard to not be able to afford to eat. I've been called a thief etc. by an abusive partner. Because I took some change off a dishwasher for Julie to go to school. Now I can not even ask someone for bus fare. My ex had a collection of guns, daggers and knives downstairs not locked up. He wanted me helping him traffic and when I refused I was called a F--king B--- in front of the kids. He cooked hash oil in our kitchen and swore at me for protesting. Those things scar us Silk. The name of victims in the paper infuriates me as it casts them in a role of one that was the reason for abuse which is total nonsense Good for you for fighting that. Good for you for all that you have done! While we have the scars, anger, pain, humiliation and everything else what do the men have that see nothing wrong with what they did? Love Em |
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Thank you for responding to my post Em. Since I had to surrender the computer in my earlier post, I really didn't get to finish the message I had started to convey which was that even in life's darkest hours, there are small streaks of brightness - kind people, people who take an extra moment to listen, people who will make arrangements that are often a bit complicated because of someone's circumstances... Even the Editor of the newspaper stood quietly to listen to what I had to say and about how their printing my name in association with P's trials, had personally affected my ability to work. The guy I was tangling with knew all along that my career was a big piece of who I had always been. He knew that my work has ethical standards the support staff need to follow (even tho' the professionals don't feel overly bound by them). He often threatened that he would contact my employers and do a smear campaign. When I responded that no one would believe him, he said, "Well no.. they probably won't. But they'll know you have a nutbar in your life and they don't want to drag THAT into their law firms..." Well, even tho' he never carried out that threat, I had no doubt that he would. But by printing my name in association with his trials, the newspaper DID what P. had been threatening to do... They notified all of my potential employers that I indeed, have a nutbar in my life! The Editor was somewhat shaken to think that his policies had actually brought P's threats to life and asked me a lot of questions that an uncaring individual would NEVER have asked. That was my point... Along the way, I am meeting people who DO give a damn... I could not have left Kamloops without trying to make that situation better and I think that I can have faith that the Editor will actually re-visit those policies. I felt better as I pulled away from the news office... I guess in some ways I was lucky. I didn't have drug involvement in my home. That's a whole other way of life... But I say this with tongue in cheek because alcohol is most definitely one of the most potent drugs on the market and if I had a choice, between whether or not someone smoked a joint around me or got drunk, I'd take the smoker over the abusive alcoholic any day of the week! Smokers are not generally abusive people. I've yet to see 2 hippies out in the back alley duking it out... By the time, they get to the alley, they can't even remember what they were going out there to do. Of course, the harder stuff is the same as booze... toxic, illegal and terribly addictive. You ask about the people who do this stuff to us Em. I am of the view that many of us need to understand what it REALLY means to take responsibility. When we're raising our kids by ourselves and doing the survival dance, we need to understand that we also had choices. And we also need to understand that there are people in the world that have serious mental disorders that are not immediately apparent. In my case, P. is a sociopath. They have found some physiological basis for this condition in recent studies but overall, he is unable to feel pain, guilt, shame, compassion or empathy. It isn't so much a choice as it is a series of thinking errors that has him seeing the women who come into his life as being "objects" - things to use to accomplish his own goals and to get his own needs met. I think in his particular case, there are times when he DOES in fact suffer some measure of toxic shame but his addiction to alcohol removes his having to deal with the resulting insanity when his lips get near the bottle. I could get stuck in feeling anger, resentment and bitterness toward him (and a few others that I've known like this) but I refuse. I now have to fix me... the broken pieces... And I need to get back to being who I want me to be... Where he is concerned, I choose to leave him in God's hands to walk his own journey... What I am REALLY hoping to do by sharing this journey, is to at long last, return to that laughing, sparkling lady who leaves the baggage with the person it actually belongs to... And who deals effectively with my own... As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "We can become no one's victim without our consent." In some ways, I consented because I met this man over the net and gave him simple information that I had no way of knowing would later be used as cannon fodder. But had I been more careful, there is no way I would have become his victim. THAT is my piece of this whole mess... At the time I met him, I didn't know about the astounding number of people who are sociopaths in our society and I certainly didn't recognize their operating methods. They say we have over 300,000 sociopaths in Canada. 75% are men and a whopping 25% are women!! The US has over 2,000,000 sociopaths. They work in every profession and they are not immediately recognizable. They look and act on the surface like normal people. But there are signs... One of them is that sociopaths will try to RUSH someone into having a meaningful relationship with them. They see no reason to take anything slowly and don't want their target to find out about their latent defects. I will NEVER be rushed off my feet ever again... But good things are happening and I thank God for having His hand on my back... Silken |
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And thank you for your response too! Eleanor Roosevelt was a great writer and also wrote "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I am well glad you are rid or P and off to a new life which will be full of sunshine and bright light and laughter again! Alcohol, yes is dangerous. Smoking joints not so bad true. But I have seen what Crystal Meth, Cocaine, etc does to people and it can make them psychotic and violent. I think they are all a bad scene. I've seen what they do to youth....highly addictive drugs, far more so than alcohol. In fact in my 4 stints through treatment addicts themselves told me they were far harder to conquer (drug addictions I mean). Anyway this isn't a debate about drugs/alcohol but I'd never say one was less harmful than the other. Just my opinion. I am in awe of your courage and fortitude. You already have interviews lined up!! You go girl!! You are right you are a survivor and your light and laughter is still shining through now even during these troubles. You always stop in with many kind words for the members and for a time not many knew of your pain. You are an inspiration! Drive carefully and may our paths one day cross. Love Em |
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Sis, I read this with pain and hope in my heart. Pain for you....for your loss, for your past journey. Hope for you, for your future, for what is yet to be, hope for your healing. I have walked with you now for many a year my dear sis and I can honestly say that I know, I KNOW you are going to be ok. Will it be an easy path? No, it wont be. But if anyone can over come and defeat a past that could haunt them it will be you. Time and patience my dear is the best remedy right now. Time to heal, to reflect and move forward. And patience to allow for the time you will need. Travel safe my dear friend, I am with you, right beside you, only a thought away if you need me. All my love, Laurie |
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