Finances and Relationships |
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| More marriages fail due to disputes over money than from any other cause. People report that they argue because one partner keeps financial secrets or because contribution levels change as one partner earns more or less than the other. Frankly, we hear all sorts of reasons why couples are disagreeing over money and we see too many strained relationships as couples try to sort out financial problems. Interestingly, we have many clients who want to keep their financial dealings, including debt management, from their spouses. <o:p></o:p> |
Years of helping couples deal with money woes have taught us that the disagreements are seldom about money. Money may be the topic and people may think they are arguing about money, but most of the time it is really something else. Often it is a basic distrust that leads a partner to lie or mislead. An example of this is the person who takes out a credit card and doesn鈥檛 tell the partner, fearing that he or she might use it; or someone who keeps a bonus or gift secret. Often there are communication problems that result in money woes when information isn鈥檛 shared. We often see this when one partner makes a major purchase and the other partner learns of it only when the purchase is delivered. The major cause of disputes that we see is the power struggle. This occurs when one partner has a goal that the other partner can鈥檛 accept. For example, one partner may insist on buying a motorcycle when the other partner wants to save for a vacation. If one person insists on winning, the other person loses and feels resentful. They then think they are arguing about money, but they are really disagreeing about who gets to set the financial goals. Married couples, and those in a committed relationship need to prevent money disputes by following a few simple steps:<o:p></o:p>
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1. Agree on a few basic goals that will drive all spending decisions.<o:p></o:p>
A couple that can鈥檛 agree on basic goals is not really a couple; it is two people associating. Write down two or three goals on the bottom of your budget and ask yourself each month if your spending is leading you towards these goals.
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2. Assign money management tasks.<o:p></o:p>
One person should balance the checkbook. One person should track savings and investments. Both should be informed. It is fine to alternate each year so both get a turn. <o:p></o:p>
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3. Communicate.<o:p></o:p>
At least once a month, both partners need to review the budget, the checkbook, statements and other material. Goals need to be reviewed and expenditures need to be examined. Is net worth increasing? Is everyone sacrificing equally to reach those goals? Does anyone feel resentful or powerless? Certainly there will be different perspectives and occasional disagreements, but never let them fester without resolution. Talk it over now.
4. Keep it in perspective.<o:p></o:p>
Yes, money is important but there is never enough money. Focus on the people. Focus on caring, sharing and developing beliefs and values. Money does not buy happiness and every relationship needs more than money. If you can鈥檛 laugh together even when money is short, think about your relationship and how to strengthen it. Pay your bills, live within your means and find happiness with each other.
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