Do Intimate Partners Help or Hinder Weight Loss?
How relationships play out in the pantry.
Tempting foods and extra pounds are better understood as solutions rather than problems, but both are strongly influenced by intimate partners. When relationship difficulties cause feelings such as boredom, tension, depression or anger, many people seek solutions in the pantry.
To better understand why food is the most commonly abused mood-controlling substance, I recently conducted a national survey of 25,000 weight-conscious wives. I discovered that happily married women gained an average of 37 pounds during the first 10 years of marriage, while those unhappy in their marriages gained an average of 54 pounds.
It seems that overweight people may be hiding behind more than just extra pounds. Added weight may create a sense of power for some, while others find it protects them against unwanted sexual attention from strangers or even intimate partners. It can help an unfulfilled partner resist her own troubling sexual urges, while at the same time minimize the threat of a partner's jealousy.
When attempting to lose weight, an individual's motivations for doing so also provide insight on his or her relationship. Women in my survey averaged nine different attempts to lose weight during the past two years and cited various incentives for their efforts. Forty-two percent wished to be more attractive, 48 percent hoped to increase their husband's interest in sex, 92 percent wanted to increase their own comfort with sex and 95 percent believed that weight loss would help them keep their husbands.
Intimate partners can help each other lose weight, but there exists a fine line between caring and disinterest. Reminders are a sign of caring for some people, while others may interpret them as morbid insults. I found that while some husbands were seen as being so threatened by their partners' weight-loss efforts that they openly interfered, 82 percent of women said that their husbands tried to help in some way. Among those who were the most successful in shedding pounds, 49 percent portrayed their husbands as actively involved while the rest cited their husbands' noninvolvement as a key to their success. Among those who failed to lose weight, 57 percent said that their husband's efforts to help undermined their self-confidence and motivation while the rest said that they stopped trying when they concluded that their husbands were not interested enough in them to help.
This lack of involvement can be viewed as either respect or disinterest. There is no inherently right or wrong way to help. Creating a relationship that meets both partners' needs is a vital first step. Developing personalized regimes for diet and exercise is very useful, and it's essential that partners negotiate strategies for helping each other follow their plans. Setting good examples for each other is also beneficial, and it is critical for each person to think through and request various potential actions that would be helpful. Finally, because acts that are strongly desired at one time may be unwelcome at others, only a constant, honest dialogue can help prevent loving efforts from becoming major hindrances.