Do Nice Guys Finish Last?
Nice guys finish last. We've all heard the phrase a thousand times.
I've even offered it as an explanation for some unsuccessful
relationships. I wonder though, is it just an excuse for other
Are we just trying to make ourselves feel better when, in fact,
the problem may lie with us and not with the women who prefer
guys who apparently, are not nice? Do men honestly think that
being nice is a drawback when it comes to women? I think that
we need to take a good look at ourselves if we've ever uttered
this phrase as an excuse. Nice Guy Syndrome has become a
pervasive way of thinking for a certain type of man. I stumbled
on this quote posted on the Counseling Center For Human
Development Web site at The University of South Florida:
"The nice guy is the person who you trust and feel comfortable
with, but don't see as 'fun' or 'challenging' or really all that
'interesting', other than as a friend, of course." I think that quote
is the classic Nice Guy Syndrome mind-set. It sounds pretty
reasonable at first blush, but if we look deeper at how the
"Nice Guys" behave, we'll see some similarities in their thinking
and actions. Some of the symptoms of Nice Guy Syndrome:
A so-called Nice Guy will go out of his way to avoid an argument
even if he strongly believes he's right. That kind of passivity
doesn't mean that you're nice. It means that you're a pushover.
It's not the challenge that women really want, it's someone who
has his own set of opinions and is willing to back them up.
Having a spine is a good thing鈥?and conflicts are how we learn
about each other. Deferring to the woman all the time leads to a
stagnation in the relationship and can make a woman feel quite
alone because when she looks to you for an opinion, all she'll get
back is her own.
Placing Women On Pedestals
This is a really big problem with Nice Guys and it's a sure-fire
path to failure. When you put a woman on a pedestal, you thrust
upon her the idea that she is perfect, beyond-reproach, angelic,
and unable to make mistakes. Who in the world can live up to
that kind of billing? When a woman who has been placed on a
pedestal inevitably falters or takes a misstep, she comes crashing
down hard. The man who placed her there can't believe that the
woman he placed all his faith in could suddenly become so鈥?
well鈥?human. Holding anyone up to unrealistic expectations is
unhealthy for both parties. Nice Guys have to realize that they
are involved with women who have faults. Stop foisting what
you wish were their traits on them 鈥?and take them for the
wonderfully, flawed individuals that they are.
Oooh鈥?this is one of the most irritating things in the world to
witness. It also falls under the unrealistic expectations category.
You want something from your mate (fair enough), but you don't
ask for it (not fair at all), then you feel hurt when you don't get
it (incredibly unfair). Basically, if you want something, you have
to ask for it. Then, and only then, if you don't get it you can make
an issue of it by verbalizing your feelings. Expecting a woman to
read your mind is rather unfair, don't you think? Nice Guys, who
you may have figured out by now, aren't always nice, have a
tendency to be passive aggressive in these situations. The trouble
is, Nice Guys think that asking for something makes them selfish,
but they have to wake up to the fact that we all want and need
things, it's what makes us human. Ask, and maybe, ye shall receive.
Another classic trait of Nice Guy Syndrome entails the idea of
self-sacrifice. That's not always a bad thing, but if a relationship
only has one person making sacrifices, we run into trouble. The
end result of this is that the Nice Guy feels used and unappreciated.
Nice Guys often lose themselves in their partner and do everything
to try and make them happy. But, in the process, they lose their
individuality, the very individuality that probably made them
attractive to their mate in the first place. Nice Guys are so very
eager to please that they end up denying themselves happiness
along the way. Does that sound like a healthy way to live?
As you can see, Nice Guy Syndrome is a pretty damaging
condition. So the next time you utter the phrase, "nice guys
finish last", think about what you're saying and take a moment
to see if you really are as "nice" as you believe.