What's it for?

It is an easy habit to get into.  Roy Leighton's theory is that if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

This exercise will help you get off your treadmill. He believes we all have the power to change our patterns of behaviour and become what we want.

How does it work?

This is a good group exercise, but can also be effective as a one-on-one session. Roy suggests you don't do it on your own, as the whole point is to modify your response to others.

It also uses, what Roy calls, the 'Pendulum Effect'. It allows you to go to the opposite extreme of where, or who, you usually are so that somewhere along the line a 'middle way' can be found.

• Imagine a scenario in the past where you have said 'yes' but meant 'no'. Explain to the group or your exercise partner what the situation was, what the outcome was and how you felt.
  
  
• Ask your partner to ask you the question that you should have said 'no' to. This needs to be one sentence.
  
  
• It should not turn into a debate! We are not looking for the person asking the question to give a convincing argument of why they need a 'yes'. As soon as they start to ask the question, interrupt and say clearly and loudly: 'NO!'.
  
  
• If there are several people in the group get them to form a line and each person begins to ask you 'Can you stay late at work tonight..?' or 'Mum, please can you help me do this..?' etc. As soon as you have said 'no' they go to the back of the queue.
  
  
• If there are just two of you, then the questioner receives the 'no', steps away and then steps back and asks again.
  
  
• With each request your 'no' has to become more and more determined, blunt and even rude. Whether in pairs or part of a group the questions should come thick and fast, in as many ways as you can imagine.
  
  
• This exercise can go on for at least 30 'no's'. Once you have finished, jot down on a piece of paper how you feel. Focus on the positive feelings you are experiencing. Keep this piece of paper with you.

The next time you feel like saying 'yes' remember your feelings. Remember how you felt writing down those words and feel free to say 'no'. Back it up with a short, reasonable explanation if necessary but if you mean 'no' then let it be heard!

Remember, it is often the case that people treat us as we feel we deserve to be treated. Once we make it clear first to ourselves, and then, through our actions, to others, that the rules have changed then people will change the way they treat us as a matter of course. With dedication you can become the person you want to be.