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| | From: Silken2004 (Original Message) | Sent: 5/3/2008 11:26 PM |
Freeing yourself from the shoulds Live your life based on what is right for you and not on what others or yourself think you should do. Many individuals live their lives according to what they believe they should do. In life there are choices we must make. Often we make our choices based on the opinion of others - they tell us what they think we should do. Sometimes their opinion is correct. We get in trouble when we listen to these shoulds, even when our gut is telling us differently. When we are untrue to ourselves, we incrementally lower our self esteem. It can happen gradually. Almost imperceptibly, but can have a far reaching and long lasting impact. The first step in freeing yourself from social restrictions is the realization that there is no such thing as a "safe" code of conduct - one that would earn everyone's approval. Your actions can always be condemned by someone - for being too bold or too apathetic, for being too conformist or too nonconformist, for being too liberal or too conservative. So it's necessary to decide whose approval is important to you. - Harry Browne An example of this might be deciding what to major in college. Your true desire is to be a chemistry major, but your parents are telling you should major in accounting. In order to please your parents, you do what you should do as a good child - you major in accounting. After all, it doesn't really matter, it's just college. But it does matter. When we let other people decide important issues like this for us, even when they have the best intentions, we are not being true to ourselves. "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." - William Shakespeare You must pay attention to your own needs and wants. Listen to what your body, your mind, and your heart are telling you. For instance, if your body is telling you that you have been sitting down too long, stand up and stretch. If your heart is longing to spend more time with a special friend, do it. If your mind is telling you to clean up your basement, listen to your favorite music, or stop thinking bad thoughts about yourself, take those thoughts seriously. SCROLL DOWN FOR NEXT STEP... |
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SET ACHIEVABLE GOALS... A surefire way to increase your self-esteem is to establish goals based on what you can realistically achieve. Working through these goals step by step will enable you to develop your potential. Developing your potential leads to higher self-esteem. It is almost impossible to achieve anything without a set goal or set goals. Having goals is what separates those that do and those that only wish they had. Goals can be large or incremental leading to the accomplishment of a larger goal. When your self-esteem is down, it is critical to set some intermediate reachable goals. For example, a golfer, who had never shot below 100, would want to set an intermediate goal of breaking par the next time she golfs. But, she may set an intermediate goal of shooting par on 2 holes per side. This is an achievable goal for her and when reached will lead to more self-confidence. Goals should be short term and long term. It is often impossible to meet a long term goal without first using a series of short term goals. The initial short term goals should be one you can reasonably be sure you can reach. Later short term goals are ones which will build on the success of the initial goals. Keep adding short term goals until you achieve your long term goal. For many of us goals are easily made and easily broken. Whether it's to lose weight, save money, or adopt a healthier lifestyle, sometimes goals can be hard to keep. But, working toward these and other goals can improve your life. Setting realistic goals year round can lead to a healthier lifestyle, improved self-esteem, and increased confidence. Children also can benefit from learning how to set and reach goals. It helps them learn how to manage their time and make good decisions—skills that can have a lasting and positive impact on their future. The following tips can help you and your children successfully set and achieve your goals: Be specific. When thinking about your goal, be as exact as possible. People who set specific goals are more likely to succeed. For example, instead of saying that you want to save money, set a specific goal to save $20 (or whatever your goal amount is) per week. Put it in writing. Write down exactly what you want to achieve and post it in a place where you will see it every day. This will help remind you what you're working toward. When you write, use positive terms. For example, instead of writing, "I will stop eating junk food" re-word your goal in more positive terms: "I will make healthy food choices." Set realistic goals. When you think about setting goals, make sure that they are within your reach. Be mindful of your finances, schedule, and other personal affairs. Many people forget to think about these important factors and, as a result, they set unrealistic goals for themselves. Develop an action plan. Create a timeline with steps toward your goal. Set deadlines for each step and cross them off as you go. Sometimes just crossing things off and watching your list get smaller can give you a sense of accomplishment and help you to keep going. Believe in yourself. Stay positive about your progress. Share your goal with a friend and ask him to help keep your spirits up. Be flexible. Keep in mind that setbacks can happen. Don't get discouraged and give up. Your hard work will pay off! Reward yourself. Acknowledge your achievements, even the small ones. Reaching a goal takes hard work and you should be proud of your efforts. |
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TALK POSITIVELY ABOUT YOURSELF TO YOURSELF You may be giving yourself negative messages about yourself. Many people do. These are messages that you learned when you were young. You learned from many different sources including other children, your teachers, family members, caregivers, even from the media, and from prejudice and stigma in our society. Once you have learned them, you may have repeated these negative messages over and over to yourself, especially when you were not feeling well or when you were having a hard time. You may have come to believe them. You may have even worsened the problem by making up some negative messages or thoughts of your own. These negative thoughts or messages make you feel bad about yourself and lower your self-esteem. "One comes to believe whatever one repeats to oneself sufficiently often, whether the statement is true of false. It comes to be dominating thought in one's mind." - Robert Collier Some examples of common negative messages that people repeat over and over to themselves include: "I am a jerk," "I am a loser," "I never do anything right," "No one would ever like me," I am a klutz." Most people believe these messages, no matter how untrue or unreal they are. They come up immediately in the right circumstance, for instance if you get a wrong answer you think "I am so stupid." They may include words like should, ought, or must. The messages tend to imagine the worst in everything, especially you, and they are hard to turn off or unlearn. You may think these thoughts or give yourself these negative messages so often that you are hardly aware of them. Pay attention to them. Carry a small pad with you as you go about your daily routine for several days and jot down negative thoughts about yourself whenever you notice them. Some people say they notice more negative thinking when they are tired, sick, or dealing with a lot of stress. As you become aware of your negative thoughts, you may notice more and more of them. It helps to take a closer look at your negative thought patterns to check out whether or not they are true. You may want a close friend or counselor to help you with this. When you are in a good mood and when you have a positive attitude about yourself, ask yourself the following questions about each negative thought you have noticed: - Is this message really true?
- Would a person say this to another person? If not, why am I saying it to myself?
- What do I get out of thinking this thought? If it makes me feel badly about myself, why not stop thinking it?
You could also ask someone else—someone who likes you and who you trust—if you should believe this thought about yourself. Often, just looking at a thought or situation in a new light helps. The next step in this process is to develop positive statements you can say to yourself to replace these negative thoughts whenever you notice yourself thinking them. You can't think two thoughts at the same time. When you are thinking a positive thought about yourself, you can't be thinking a negative one. In developing these thoughts, use positive words like happy, peaceful, loving, enthusiastic, warm. Avoid using negative words such as worried, frightened, upset, tired, bored, not, never, can't. Don't make a statement like "I am not going to worry any more." Instead say "I focus on the positive" or whatever feels right to you. Substitute "it would be nice if" for "should." Always use the present tense, e.g., "I am healthy, I am well, I am happy, I have a good job," as if the condition already exists. Use I, me, or your own name. You can do this by folding a piece of paper in half the long way to make two columns. In one column write your negative thought and in the other column write a positive thought that contradicts the negative thought as shown on the next page. You can work on changing your negative thoughts to positive ones by �? - Replacing the negative thought with the positive one every time you realize you are thinking the negative thought.
- Repeating your positive thought over and over to yourself, out loud whenever you get a chance and even sharing them with another person if possible.
- Writing them over and over.
- Making signs that say the positive thought, hanging them in places where you would see them often-like on your refrigerator door or on the mirror in your bathroom-and repeating the thought to yourself several times when you see it.
It helps to reinforce the positive thought if you repeat if over and over to yourself when you are deeply relaxed, like when you are doing a deep-breathing or relaxation exercise, or when you are just falling asleep or waking up. Changing the negative thoughts you have about yourself to positive ones takes time and persistence. If you use the following techniques consistently for four to six weeks, you will notice that you don't think these negative thoughts about yourself as much. If they recur at some other time, you can repeat these activities. Don't give up. You deserve to think good thoughts about yourself. |
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LEARN TO TAKE CHANCES IN A POSITIVE WAY Every new experience is a learning experience that can build self esteem. Expect to make mistakes as apart of the process and do not be disappointed if it doesn't turn out perfectly. Getting out of your comfort zone is, well, uncomfortable. There can be anxiety whenever we are about to take a chance and try something new. It is not uncommon for this anxiety or fear, stress them to the point they avoid trying anything new. They live by the adage if it ain't broke don't fix it. It is important to remember, it is not whether we are "successful" in our attempt, it is the act of attempting from which the greatest benefit is derived in boosting our self esteem. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain Amazingly, often times once the person does in fact get past theirs fears and takes the chance to try something new or learn a new skill, their initial reaction is - "I wish I had tried that sooner!". "Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power." - Lao-Tzu Even in failure, it is possible to grow your personal self esteem. You can feel good about yourself for putting yourself out there and trying. Life is about taking chances. Everyday we take chances. Sometimes we are blissfully unaware of the chances we are taking. Other times, it is painfully obvious. |
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TAKE ACTION! SOLVE, RATHER THAN AVOID PROBLEMS! Don't avoid problems and don't fret about them. Face them and identify ways to solve them. Running away from problems threatens your self esteem. Everyday we are faced with problems needing to be solved and dealt with. Avoiding them in the hopes they will go away does nothing but delay the inevitable, plus it drains you of energy that could be used to solve the problem. It may seem easier to avoid the problem, but it is usually much easier to go ahead and take it on. An analogy is the difference between a frown and a smile. The frown takes more effort and uses more muscles then a smile. A smile comes much easier. The same is true of problem solving. Deal with it and smile or avoid it and frown. "The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem." - Theodore Rubin It takes courage to face and solve some problems. It is within each of the ability to find the courage needed to solve them. Mustering up the courage is often enough to get you on the path to resolving the issue. Of course, from time to time, a problem requires many attempts to find the solution. Do not allow yourself to become discouraged. "For every failure, there's an alternative course of action. You just have to find it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour." - Mary Kay Ash Break the problem down into smaller chunks and tackle them one at a time. Problem solving is a lot like reverse engineering. Whatever it is, it already exists. Your job is to deconstruct it and rebuild a better structure. Many major problems arise out several smaller problems that were left unattended or avoided. We end up making mountains out of mole hills. The good news is the mountain is indeed made of mole hills. By taking each mole hill and dealing with it, we eventually conquer the mountain and gain a new level of self esteem. "When a problem comes along, study it until you are completely knowledgeable. Then find that weak spot, break the problem apart, and the rest will be easy." - Norman Vincent Peale |
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RESPECT YOUR OPINION OF YOURSELF! Entertain feedback from others, but do not depend on their opinions. Rely on your own values when making decisions and deciding what is right for you. You are your own best support system. A lack of self esteem is often a manifestation of a lack of self respect. A healthy respect for one's self has a profound impact on your self esteem. Having a clear understanding of your valuesand where you want to go and who you want to be leads to a greater level of self respect. When self respect is lacking, it is easy to get down on yourself and begin to believe you are not worthy of the good things life has to offer. "The capacity for getting along with our neighbor depends to a large extent on the capacity for getting along with ourselves. The self-respecting individual will try to be as tolerant of his neighbor's shortcomings as he is of his own." - Eric Hoffer A major benefit derived from respecting yourself, is the increased trust you have within yourself. As in any relationship, trust is one of the primary building blocks. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. This relationship impacts every other relationships you have - with your spouse, your children, your God, your co-workers, etc. When you have inner trust, you can be confident in the decisions you make and know they are right for you. Others may not always agree with you and your decisions, but you will have their respect and the respect of yourself. "I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence." - Frederick Douglass "When I go into the garden with a spade, and dig a bed, I feel such an exhilaration and health that I discover that I have been defrauding myself all this time in letting others do for me what I should have done with my own hands." - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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FIVE SECRETS TO GETTING RESULTS Follow these guidelines and you’ll find each day more productive! You’ll be amazed at how much you begin to accomplish! 1. Set out deliberately to make every day highly productive Decide on one main purpose for each day. Determine that you’re going to achieve that one object above everything else. If you accomplish even one worthwhile thing each day, you’ll be inspired to keep moving ahead! And a series of successful days makes a highly productive year! Achievement begins with a definite, written plan for each day’s work. Be strict with yourself on this one. It’s vital to your best progress. After planning your day, start working right away with passion and excitement. Do your honest-to-goodness best. If some part of your work seems boring, put more heart and purpose into it, and you’ll be surprised at the satisfaction and motivation that’ll pop up!
2. Make the most of your opportunities each day. Whatever you do, always expect success. Make the most of your best talents. There are opportunities all around you! Look for them. Grab them and hold on tight! Keep your eyes fixed upon one purpose, and remember that perseverance may carry you far beyond your immediate goal. It could bring you even greater success than you anticipate. Don’t wait for your best working mood, but create it. Concentration is one of the great secrets of achievement. Apply yourself wholeheartedly to a task for one hour. You’ll accomplish more than you will from several hours of aimless effort. Get used to doing one thing at a time and to do it thoroughly.
3. Appreciate the privilege of work. You can’t afford to take things easy while climbing the ladder of success. Don’t back up because difficulty comes knocking at your door. Move ahead. Don’t be scared of a little work. Work is the medicine of the soul. It’s more than that - it’s your very life. You don’t need extraordinary abilities for the highest success. In most instances successful folks rise to the top by making the most of ordinary talents and opportunities. A person of average ability inspired by hard work and determination will outstrip a genius who doesn’t know where he’s headed.
4. Be courageous! You’ll be confronted by difficulties and discouragements, but decide to be strong and focused at all times. Make yourself do the difficult things. Get them out of the way first. Your courage and motivation will grow.
5. Develop extra energy reserves. Store up energy for future use. Now, you may wonder how you can store up what you don’t have, but you’re better equipped than you think. At the next sign of mental or physical laziness or inclination to give up because of a challenge, try the following exercise: Stand up straight, breathe deeply, rise on your toes, and stretch your arms toward the ceiling. Repeat this several times with gusto. Shake out the lazies, and then get back to your work with renewed energy. Change of work is restful and revs up your brain power. People don’t often break down from overwork but from lack of organization and knowledge. Work during all the working hours of the day. Try to make every moment count. Put your whole strength and best effort into the work of the moment. Also, make time for leisure outside of your regular business hours. Free time is actually most enjoyable when there’s plenty of hard work before and after it. Really! Take action on these 5 steps, and you’ll find your days filled with great joy and effectiveness. FIVE SECRETS TO GETTING RESULTS! |
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