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| | From:  Silken2004 (Original Message) | Sent: 5/11/2008 9:34 PM |
Dealing with Relationship Stress: How To Stay Calm and Communicate Better Relationship stress causes some of us to get angry and do or say things we regret. It leads others to shut down, withdraw, and refuse to participate. Either way, our inability to listen and speak intelligently in the face of relationship stress just makes things worse. In this article, you will learn how to stay calm and focused, and to communicate clearly and powerfully even in tense situations. Instead of feeling like a situation is out of your control, you will see how you can experience a sense of trust and creativity, and even a heightened awareness. Stress challenges relationships How does stress challenge relationships at home and work? Our stress responses can paralyze us emotionally and undermine even the strongest love or work relationship. Consider the stressed conditions of these individuals: Irene鈥檚 new job is extremely hectic. She鈥檚 not sleeping well, so she is cranky and in no mood to listen to Alex talk about his day. No matter how hard she tries, she can鈥檛 stay focused. Alex feels hurt and goes out for the evening by himself. Norm is under a lot of pressure at school, but doesn鈥檛 want to break his date with Kristy. While Norm usually enjoys Kristy鈥檚 playful kidding, tonight it infuriates him and he explodes. Ben has collapsed in front of the TV and missed a critical call after over-scheduling and multitasking for days on end. Corina and her best friend had such a heated argument that she heads to the mall to cool off. There, she loses track of time anddoesn鈥檛 show up for her dinner date with Sam. Terri is so overwrought by tensions at home that she just goes through the motions at work, and accomplishes nothing鈥攁 fact that doesn鈥檛 escape her boss鈥?notice. Stephanie is so jumpy and agitated that coworkers don鈥檛 want to be near her. She thinks her colleagues dislike her, but they are just trying to avoid the waves of negative energy that radiate from her cubicle. Stress damages relationships in various ways. When you are under stress, you may not even realize the effect it is having on your interactions with others. As shown in the examples above, stress can cripple your ability to accurately see and hear your partner; be self-aware and in touch with your own deep-rooted needs; and to communicate your needs clearly. SCROLL DOWN... THERE'S MORE... |
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Stress and the nervous system How does stress affect my nervous system and my ability to communicate? Your body鈥檚 nervous system serves various functions. A crucial function of one part of the nervous system is to prepare you to face physical danger. The 鈥渇ight or flight鈥?response raises your heart rate, blood pressure, and metabolism to provide extra energy and allow you to flee or confront the danger. Another part of your nervous system tells your body to relax after the danger has passed. For most people, stress is such a common occurrence that it becomes a way of life. When you are overwhelmed by stress or suffer from chronic stress, this causes parts of your nervous system to become imbalanced, and you experience physical symptoms such as high blood pressure. This imbalance also limits your ability to think clearly and creatively, or to act in emotionally intelligent ways. Ways stress can cause communication problems and damage relationships: - One person鈥檚 stress-induced upset can easily trigger another鈥檚 upset鈥攍eading to a communication disconnect.
- When you are overwhelmed by stress, your ability to pay attention to others鈥攁nd to yourself鈥攊s greatly compromised.
- Stress can reawaken negative memories from past relationships, adding to the upset of the moment.
Stressful situations rarely give you advance warning. When you walk into a situation tired and irritated, comingface-to-face with an equally stressed-out colleague or loved one, you usually don鈥檛 have the option to call for a 鈥渢ime-out鈥?and leisurely contemplate the problem. Successful communication requires that you be able to do something in a hurry to calm, energize, and focus yourself. This means you need to be able to recognize stress. The benefits of recognizing stress Why is learning how to recognize stress so important? Virtually all of us present a game face to the world, that is, an emotional mask that hides our private feelings. Sometimes, we are so good at masking our emotions that we even hide them from ourselves. However, to sustain healthy relationships, we have to be in touch with our own feelings, which requires being able to deal with stress. Learning to recognize and manage stress, to stay calm and focused, provides many relationship benefits. These include the ability to: - Focus internally鈥攆ocusing attention on your internal state in spite of external demands. For example: Jack鈥檚 helpful attitude makes him popular, but his ulcers have shown him that giving too much of himselfcauses problems. Listening to his internal cues shows when it鈥檚 time to focus on his own needs. Taking care of himself allows Jack to devote more energy to his favorite people and projects.
- Create mind/body unity鈥?/STRONG>integrating communication so that your words and nonverbal communication convey the same message. Bright eyes, a relaxed face, and a calm tone鈥攖hese communicate what you cannot when you are agitated, withdrawn, or zoned-out.
- Recognize inappropriate behaviors in your relationships鈥?/STRONG>feeling 鈥渏ust right鈥?and stable helps you avoid negative knee-jerk behaviors. Maintaining internal balance helps you stay focused even when the other person becomes angry.
- Conserve your energy鈥?/STRONG>A lack of internalcontrols can leave you drained, but learning to soothe yourself is a powerful remedy. You will have a vast reserve of energy once your nervous system no longer spends energy on stress upsets.
Staying calm and alert under stress How can you stay calm and alert during stress? Many of us spend so much time in a stressed state, we have forgotten what it feels like to be fully relaxed and alert. You can see that 鈥渏ust right鈥?inner balance in the smile of a happy baby鈥攁 face so full of joy it reminds adults of the balanced emotional state that most of us have misplaced.In adulthood, being balanced means maintaining a calm state of energy, alertness, and focus.Calmness is more than just feeling relaxed; being alert is an equally important aspect of finding the balance needed to withstand stress. Calmness is a state with several positive characteristics: | Feelings of Control | This is the ability to direct your energy and take charge in any situation | | Heightened Sensory Awareness | This awareness is calming and invigorating. Colors are brighter, scents and tastes more intense, sounds are clearer, and touch is more penetrating. | | Trust in Others | This is the knowledge that people are dependable and caring, and that you can feel safe in their company. | | Curiosity | This is the sense that the world is there to be explored, coupled with the desire to uncover the unknown. | | Playfulness | This is the experience of unbridled joy and finding childlike happinessin simple, noncompetitive activities. | | Creativity | This is the delight you may feel when your thoughts break free of constraints, intellectual discovery becomes fun, and work takes the form of playful exploration. | | Flexibility/Resilience | This emotional resilience and flexibility to adjust to what life throws at you makes it possible not only to shoulder losses, but also bounce back and score victories. | | Sensitivity to Needs of Yourself and Others | This allows you to be flexible, to work collaboratively, and to be both a leader and follower. Although you can鈥檛 please everyone, it鈥檚 never necessary to cope with everything on your own. | SCROLL DOWN AGAIN.... |
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Common responses to stress How do different people respond to stress? Our nervous systems react differently to situations that are perceived to be overwhelming, isolating, confusing or threatening. In general, you will respond to stress in one of three ways. These three stress responses may look different from the outside, but involve very similar internal responses. In describing stress responses, Dr. Connie Lillas, a Los Angeles child development expert, uses the analogy of driving a car: | Foot on the Gas (Overwhelmed) | Driver exhibits heated, angry, in-your-face response, is agitated, and can鈥檛 sit still. Many of us react to stress by becoming angry and agitated. We want to act, sometimes impulsively. The energy here is analogues to the 鈥渇ight鈥?response. | | Foot on the Brake (Under whelmed) | Driver seems shut down, spaced-out, withdrawn鈥攕howing little energy oremotion. Other individuals react to stress by emotionally turning away from it. This is the 鈥渇light鈥?response. Such individuals may seem restless, withdrawn, or zoned-out, and their stress reactions may seem minimally responsive though internally this is not the case. | | Foot on the Gas and the Brake (Frozen)
| Driver is tense and still; eyebrows raised, eyes wide open, shoulders tight and lifted; frozen; can鈥檛 get going and can鈥檛 accomplish anything.Some individuals have frightening overwhelming experiences that wire their nervous systems to 鈥渇reeze鈥?when challenged by stress. Their stress responses are especially complex and contradictory. They may look paralyzed but are racing within. | These responses can sometimes overlap. Stress is an equal-opportunity hazard, since it upsets everyone鈥檚 equilibrium from time to time. Still, we are all capable of quickly and efficiently bringing stress into balance. In order to balance stress, first you must recognize and understand your individual response to stress. The next step is learning which methods you can count on to regulate your nervous system and bring it back into the balance we discussed previously 鈥?the calm and alert state. Your stress response pattern Do you know what your stress response pattern is? Your nervous system has a characteristic response to stress that generally triggers one of three responses. This means that, depending on your particular stress pattern, some methods of stress relief will be more effective for you than others. Commonly recommended stress relief techniques may have no effect, or might even make matters worse! For example, if your response to stressful situations is to become withdrawn, you will need to do things that stimulate rather than relax you. Quiz: How Well Do You Respond To Stress? - When I feel agitated, do I know how to quickly calm myself?
- Can I easily let go of my anger?
- At work, can I turn to other people to help me calm down?
- When I come home at night, do I feel alert and relaxed?
- Am I distracted or moody?
- Am I able to interact in a helpful manner with people who are stressed?
- Do I easily turn to the calming influence of friends or family members?
- When my energy is low, do I know how to boost it?
Finding successful relief techniques depends on your stress response patterns: - If you have an angry or agitated stress pattern (鈥渙verwhelmed鈥?, to techniques that calm and soothe you鈥攕lowed breathing, relaxing sensations.
- If your tendency is toward the withdrawn, zoned-out stress pattern (underwhelmed鈥?, your best response might be to stimulating activities, such as strenuous exercise and sensations that energize your nervous system.
- If you recognize yourself in the frozen pattern, this stress response is usually linked to some kind of trauma and may require professional intervention to treat.
People who have been traumatized often require special help. Individuals who have experienced an overwhelming physical or emotional event may have difficulty applying stress relief techniques and often require professional assistance. Sometimes people who have been traumatized do not recognize their situation as traumatic (for example, if survival depended on downplaying the significance of a situation). If you have difficulty applying these techniques on your own, you may want to consult a psychotherapist for assistance. How can I reduce stress? How can I reduce the stress that can damage my relationships? To minimize relationship damage, you need to manage and reduce stress quickly before you do something you鈥檒l regret. When you are feeling stressed, there are two basic types of stress-busting measures you can use. One requires social interaction; the other can be done on your own. To determine which will be most effective for you, consider whether you are a social person or a more private individual. - Interactive Measures - You can reduce stress and restore inner balance by seeking out someone who is calm and focused and makes you feel safe. Being with a relaxed and alert friend, neighbor, colleague, or loved one can help you reorient yourself.
- Solitary Measures that Engage the Senses - You can rapidly reverse the effects of stress by exposing yourself to sensory input that brings you into balance. The sensory input that works for you will not necessarily work for someone else. The smell of incense will lift one person, while others will benefit most from candlelight or physical action.
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