MSN Home  |  My MSN  |  Hotmail
Sign in to Windows Live ID Web Search:   
go to MSNGroups 
Free Forum Hosting
 
Important Announcement Important Announcement
The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
Silken Fire's Fireplace IIContains "mature" content, but not necessarily adult.[email protected] 
  
What's New
  
  Silken Fire's Fireplace II  
  Your Hosts And Hostesses  
  Hosts and Hostesses  
  Fire's Principles  
  Misbehavin' Policies  
  
  Fireplace News  
  Opinion Forum  
  Messages  
  Messages  
  General  
  Heart Storms  
  Heart Storms  
  GRRR & Vent  
  Peaceful Debates  
  Peaceful Debates  
  MSN Servers  
  SNAGGABLES  
  SNAGGABLES  
  C & P Backgrounds  
  C & P Background  
  Your Mail  
  Mailboxes A - C  
  Mailboxes D - F  
  Mailboxes G - I  
  Mailboxes J - L  
  Mailboxes M - O  
  Mailboxes P - R  
  Mailboxes S - U  
  Mailboxes V - X  
  Mailboxes Y - Z  
  MEMBERS' SIGN-INS  
  Member Sign Ins  
  Member of the Month  
  Member of Month  
  Springburst: Fun & Fitness  
  Members' Surveys & Intros  
  Member Intro's  
  Our Lil People & Pets  
  Lil Peeps & Pets  
  Happy Birthday!  
  Happy Birthday!  
  In Loving Memory  
  In Loving Memory  
  Singles' Tips  
  Singles Tips  
  Dating Tips  
  Dating Tips  
  New Relationship  
  New Relationship  
  So Far Away...  
  Long Distance Love  
  Relationships  
  Relationships  
  Marriage Tips  
  Marriage Tips  
  Add Sizzle  
  Add Sizzle  
  Romantic Fantasies  
  Romantic Fantasy  
  Midlife Issues  
  Midlife Issues  
  When Loved Ones Hurt  
  Helping Friends  
  People Builders  
  People Builders  
  Career Issues  
  Career Issues  
  Disabilities  
  Disabilities  
  Let's Be REAL!!!  
  Topic Q & A's  
  Topic Articles  
  Family Troubles  
  Family Troubles  
  Parenting  
  Parenting  
  Step-Parenting  
  Step-Parenting  
  Broken and Hurting  
  Broken & Hurting  
  Abused Souls  
  Abused Souls  
  What Men Want  
  Men Want......  
  What Women Want  
  Women Want......  
  He Said / She Said  
  He Said/She Said  
  Our Mystical Realm  
  Mystical Realm  
  Silken's Country  
  Silk's Country  
  Our Garden of Peace  
  "She Weaves"  
  "The Mask"  
  Angel of Highway 109  
  The Strength of a Man  
  The Girl Inside  
  Garden of Peace  
  Silken's Retreat  
  Silken Talks  
  Prose and Poetry  
  Prose and Poetry  
  LMAO Stuff  
  LMAO Stuff  
  Pictures  
  Sign-In & Checkin In Tags  
  Scenery  
  Ally's Album  
  Lady's Gary Allan  
  Angels  
  Angel GIF'S  
  Animations 2  
  Animations 3  
  Animations - Animals  
  Animated GIF's  
  Babies  
  Backgrounds 1  
  Backgrounds 2  
  Backgrounds 3  
  Backgrounds - Nature  
  Backgrounds - Romantic  
  Backgrounds - Sensual  
  Biker Snags  
  Birthday Wishes  
  Body Parts  
  Bumpin' It Up  
  Bye, See Ya, Hurry Back, etc  
  Click Me's  
  Compliments  
  Condolences  
  Congratulations  
  Country  
  Couples  
  Couples 2  
  Cowboys  
  Cowgirls  
  Dancers  
  Debate Stuff  
  Dividers & Decorations  
  Dragons  
  Dreams 'n Wishes  
  Emotions  
  Fantasy Women  
  Fantasy Art  
  Flowers  
  Friends & Friendship  
  Fridays  
  Funny GIF's  
  Funnies & Moods  
  More Funnies  
  Funny Sayings  
  Get Well  
  Good Day, Weekend, etc  
  Good Morning  
  Good Night  
  Great Day Etc  
  Great Week, Weekend  
  Heartache, Sadness, etc.  
  Hello, Howdy, Hi  
  Hugs, etc.  
  Kisses  
  Kisses 'n Lips  
  Last Word  
  Lol, lmao & rofl  
  Love & Inspiration  
  Mail Stuff  
  Masculine Tags  
  Men  
  Men 2  
  Men - Fantasy  
  Missing You  
  Monday  
  Months  
  MSN tags  
  Romance 'n Glitters  
  Saturdays  
  Self Esteem & Inspirations  
  Smilies  
  Sorry, Forgive me, etc  
  Spiritual, Religious, etc  
  Sunday  
  Teasing, Fighting 'n Feelin'  
  Thank You's  
  Thoughts & Prayers  
  Thursday  
  Tuesday  
  Under Construction  
  Weddings  
  Wednesdays  
  Welcome & WB  
  Women  
  Women 2  
  Women 3  
  Women - Fantasy  
  Wow & Woohoo  
  You Have Mail  
  Zodiac Signs  
  Christmas 2006  
  Christmas 2007  
  Christmas Pics & GIF's  
  Easter  
  Father's Day  
  Hallowe'en 2  
  Hallowe'en GIF's & Stuff  
  New Years  
  Remembrance Day  
  St. Patrick's Day  
  Thanksgiving  
  Valentines  
  Andy  
  Bella's Album  
  Cocopuff's Corner  
  Cowboy Country Gent  
  Ginger's Girls  
  Ginger Christmas  
  Ginger's Photos  
  Ginger's Welcomes  
  Hergman's Pics  
  Lady Asst Manager  
  Lady Checking In  
  Lady's Christmas  
  Lady's Family  
  Lady Misc  
  Lady's Stuff..morn, eve, etc  
  Lady Tags  
  Lady's Welcomes  
  Love Muffin (aka Mish)  
  My Blue Hawgs 2, 3 & 5  
  Shyann and Rat and Arley  
  Shy n Rats Critters n Stuff  
  Glimpse Of Traveler  
  Alphas for Fireplace  
  Silken's Pets... Meet Justus  
  Silken's Dancers  
  Silken's Mgr Stuff  
  Silkens Photos  
  Silken's Personal Photos  
  Silken Siggies  
  Silken's Siggies 2  
  Silken's Siggies 3  
  Silken's Siggies 4  
  Fireplace Hosts & Hostesses  
  Fireplace Auth Tags  
  Fireplace Backgrounds  
  Fireplace Glitter Text  
  Fireplace Logos  
  Fireplace Site Map  
  Friends of Fire  
  MSN Emotions  
  Chat Acronyms  
  More Chat Acronyms  
  Fancy Nicknames  
  Fancy Nic's II  
  Fancy Characters III  
  Email Settings  
  Create Fancy Fonts  
  More Fancy Fonts  
  Alt Key Codes List  
    
    
  Links  
  Lest We Forget  
  CHRISTMAS CHEER  
  Christmas Snaggs  
  Christmas Fun  
  Xmas Info  
  Blue Christmas  
  Sensual Xmas  
  Xmas Belly Laffs  
  Xmas Recipes  
  Christmas Beauty  
  Lest We Forget  
  Family Issues  
  Fun & Fitness  
  Alt Key Flourishes  
  GRRR !#!$@~!!!  
  
  
  Tools  
 
Relationships : Nonverbal Communication: The Hidden Language of Emotional Intelligence
Choose another message board
 
     
Reply
Recommend  Message 1 of 2 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameSilken2004  (Original Message)Sent: 5/11/2008 9:44 PM

Nonverbal Communication:

The Hidden Language of Emotional Intelligence

nonverbal communication

Even the best verbal communication skills are not enough to create and sustain successful relationships. Good home and work relationships require the ability to communicate emotions without saying a word.

Wordless communication conveyed through facial expressions, body language, pace, intensity and tone of voice captures and holds the attention of others and gives you a powerful means for self expression.  

Nonverbal communication speaks louder than words

Why does nonverbal communication speak louder than words in close relationships? It takes more than words to create productive, safe, exciting and secure relationships. It takes the ability to accurately pick up and send nonverbal cues that attract and hold the attention of others. Too often the signals we send are not those we intend to send. When this happens, both connection and trust are lost in our relationships.

Ted, Arlene and Jack are all articulate speakers who say one thing but communicate another with disastrous results in their relationships:

TedTed thought he had found the perfect love relationship when he met Sharon, but Sharon isn’t so sure. Ted is very eligible. He is nice-looking, hardworking, and a smooth talker. The trouble is that Ted seems to talk more to himself than to Sharon. When Sharon has something to say, Ted is ready with a reply before she finishes her thought. This makes Sharon feel ignored, and she has begun dating other men. Ted loses out at work for the same reason �?his inability to listen to others makes him unpopular with many of the people he most admirers.  

ArleneArlene is attractive and has no problem meeting eligible men �?it’s keeping them that’s the problem! Arlene is funny and a good conversationalist, but even though she laughs and smiles constantly, she radiates tension. Arlene’s shoulders and eyebrows are noticeably raised, her voice is shrill and her body stiff to touch. Being around Arlene makes many people feel uncomfortable. Arlene has a lot going for her that is undercut by the discomfort she evokes in others.  

JackJack gets along with his colleagues at work, but not with those who matter most to him. If you were to ask them why, they would say that Jack is “too intense�? Rather than look at you, he devours you with his eyes. And if he takes your hand, he lunges to get it and then squeezes so hard it hurts. Jack is a caring guy but has a terrible time being in sync with people. This awkwardness also limits his ability to advance to a managerial level at work. He just isn’t seen as good with others.

All of these articulate, well-intended people struggle in their attempt to connect with others. None of them are aware of the nonverbal messages they communicate.

The language of nonverbal communication

What is the language of nonverbal communication in work and home relationships? Nonverbal communication is emotionally-driven communication that answers the questions: “Are you listening?�?and “Do you understand and care?�?Answers to these questions are expressed in the way we talk, listen, look, move and react. These elements will produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement and desire for connection �?or they will generate fear, confusion, distrust and disinterest.

By observing thousands of examples related to the attachment bond, researchers have discovered the most important nonverbal cues.

Nonverbal Communication: The Most Important Nonverbal Cues

Eye contact

The visual sense is dominant for most people, and therefore especially important in nonverbal communication. Is this source of contact missing, too intense or just right?

Facial expression

Universal facial expressions signify anger, fear, sadness, joy and disgust. What is the face you show? Is it mask-like and unexpressive, or emotionally present and filled with interest?

Tone of voice

The sound of your voice conveys your moment to moment emotional experience. What is the resonant sound of your voice? Does your voice project warmth, confidence and delight, or is it strained and blocked?

Posture

Your posture–including the pose, stance and bearing of the way you sit, slouch, stand, lean, bend, hold and move your body in space-affects the way people perceive you. Does your body look stiff and immobile, or relaxed? Are shoulders tense and raised, or slightly sloped? Is your abdomen tight, or is there a little roundness to your belly that indicates your breathing is relaxed?

Touch

Finger pressure, grip and hugs should feel good to you and the other person. What “feels good�?is relative; some prefer strong pressure, others prefer light pressure. Do you know the difference between what you like, and what other people like?

Intensity

A reflection of the amount of energy you project is considered your intensity. Again, this has as much to do with what feels good to the other person as what you personally prefer. Are you flat or so cool you seem disinterested, or are you over the top and melodramatic?

Timing and pace

Your ability to be a good listener and communicate interest and involvement in impacted by timing and pace. What happens when someone you care about makes an important statement? Does a response �?not necessarily verbal �?come too quickly, or too slowly? Is there an easy flow of information back and forth?

Sounds that convey understanding

Sounds such as “ahhh, ummm, ohhh,�?uttered with congruent eye and facial gestures, communicate understanding and emotional connection. More than words, these sounds are the language of interest, understanding and compassion. Do you indicate with sincere utterances that you are attending to the other person?

Together, these nonverbal signals communicate your interest and investment in others. Critically important is the fact that these elements are experienced much more intensely in the pauses between words. Interruptions in the flow of language offer us the best opportunities for emotional communication. How well you are able to navigate pauses and send these signals will depend on your ability to manage stress and experience your own emotions as well as the other person's.

SCROLL DOWN...


I am
seeking
between
and
zip code
 

First  Previous  2 of 2  Next  Last 
Reply
Recommend  Message 2 of 2 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameSilken2004Sent: 5/11/2008 9:47 PM

Emotional awareness & nonverbal communication

How does emotional awareness improve nonverbal communication? Emotional recognition and expression is the glue that creates and maintains connection in relationships. Awareness of, comfort with, and respect for your emotions makes you much more sensitive to other people’s feelings.

Emotional savvy gives you the ability to:

  • Accurately read the emotional cues others send—pick up on worry, sadness, grief, or overwhelm.
  • Respond with nonverbal cues that reflect emotional understanding and care—indicating that you notice and care.
  • Be congruent—avoid confusing and confounding others with words that contradict your true feelings. 
  • Know if the relationship is meeting your emotional needs—giving you the ability to repair the relationship or move on.

Savvy nonverbal emotional communication is also an extremely important resource for managing and avoiding conflict. Here are several examples of how this works:

ElaineElaine is a drama queen. She is an actress and such a good one that she often fools herself and others. Fortunately, Elaine’s husband isn’t fooled by the emotional fireworks. When she runs amuck, he asks himself, “Do I really feel her upset in my body?�?If the answer is “no,�?he trusts that reaction because he also trusts his good will toward Elaine. He knows that criticizing her behavior will escalate the situation �?so he comically pretends to get hysterical himself. Almost immediately Elaine calms down and begins giggling. Elaine’s emotionally intelligent boss is also not fooled or bullied by her antics, and also de-escalates the situation using humor.

RosarioRosario's husband is withdrawn and depressed about the loss of his job. Her heart breaks for him and she wants to help, but knows that giving pity or advice isn’t helpful. Rosario initiates long walks together where she doesn’t say much, but encourages her husband to talk about his feelings. During the walks she takes his hand now and then, and smiles reassuringly into his eyes. Within a couple of weeks, her husband has started to act like his old self and begins going to job interviews.

HalHal is in business with his son, Roy, and needs to talk to him about a problem Roy is creating. Hal knows that Roy can become angry when criticized, but Hal feels that he can’t ignore the situation. When he confronts his son, he doesn’t let Roy’s defensiveness intimidate him. Hal speaks his mind but connects all the while to the positive emotions he feels for his son. There is nothing critical or disrespectful in his nonverbal communication. Roy cools down and listens with interest.

No part of nonverbal communication speaks louder than your emotions ï¿½?and nothing can have greater influence over others.

Stress management improves nonverbal communication

How can stress management help to improve nonverbal communication? Stress challenges your ability to successfully communicate nonverbally. When you are agitated, withdrawn or frightened, you look, hear, touch and react differently than you do when you feel “just right�?

When you are overcome by stress:   

  • It is difficult to successfully send nonverbal communication. Although it is usually an incorrect perception, others tend to perceive you as angry or afraid of them.  
  • It is more difficult to successfully receive nonverbal communication. You tend to lose awareness of the cues that others are sending you.   
  • Your capacity to influence or accurately read others is impaired. You are more likely to make “bad�?rather than “good�?impressions on others.
  • Your upset easily triggers upset in others. Feeling upset is very contagious. 

The best thing about recognizing that you are stressed is that it gives you the option of doing something about it.  Let’s look at five people who recognize that they are stressed, and as a result, restore their state of equilibrium and communicate more successfully:

KimKim is feeling overwhelmed by the new responsibilities that he has just been given at work. He is flattered by the offer of new responsibility, but can’t get his mind around the task at hand. Fortunately his good buddy Frank is there to talk with. As he tells Frank what has happened, Kim’s jaw, shoulders and chest relax, and he remembers that he really is capable and competent for the new tasks he has been given.

CarolCarol narrowly avoided an accident on her way home. Her hands shake as she dresses for her big date with Rob. Not wanting to spoil the romantic ambiance, she decides not to mention the near miss. But Carol is so tense that when Rob hugs her, she involuntarily flinches. Seeing the hurt in his eyes, she realizes that she can’t really hide her upset. After calming herself with several deep breaths, she looks into Rob’s eyes and tells him what happened. Relieved to know he’s not the problem, Rob smiles and hugs her reassuringly.

KevinKevin has had an extremely stressful workday, where anything that could go wrong did! All he wants to do is go to bed, but this morning his wife told him that she had something important to discuss with him when he got home. Kevin feels too tense and exhausted to be much of a listener, so he stops at the gym before heading for home. After a half-hour swim, he has his energy back and meets his wife with a broad smile and a sincere look of interest.

NancyNancy is so nervous about taking her qualifying exams at work that she can’t think. All the coffee she drank hasn’t done her any good either, so she puts on the tennis shoes she keeps in her desk drawer and goes for a run. Nancy has learned that running calms her down, and now she feels focused and ready for the exam.

FrankFrank is attending his first office party with his fiancée, Vivian. Faced with people whose names he can’t remember, Frank fails to introduce Vivian. She feels hurt and becomes upset but doesn’t want to lose her temper. She excuses herself and takes a little walk to calm down. When she comes back, Vivian gently takes his arm. With a smile and in an understanding tone, she tells him that she realizes his difficulty with names, but wants to be introduced. Frank relaxes and complies.

Fixing communication mistakes

How do nonverbal cues help you patch up communication mistakes?  No one is perfect. We all make mistakes in relationships, but with emotionally savvy, we can repair the damage.

Suppose that Ted, Arlene, and Jack, the three people we met at the beginning of part four who sent self-defeating nonverbal signals, became aware of what they were doing. In addition to self-awareness, they have attuned themselves to the “dance�?involved in sending and receiving wordless messages. But even people who are skilled in nonverbal communication have off days. This is what has happened to Ted, Arlene, and Jack on an especially stressful day.

Notice what happens when each of them has fallen back into an old pattern, and how they salvage the situation with their newfound understanding of nonverbal communication:

TedTed notices that Sharon’s tone of voice has lost its warmth, and realizes that he doesn’t remember the last thing she said �?he hasn’t been listening to her! Looking chagrined and smiling apologetically, Ted leans forward, takes her hand and looks directly into her eyes. She gives him a smile that says “you’re forgiven�?along with a questioning look that he picks up and answers. Ted new ability to notice and accurately interpret the feelings of his coworkers has also given his career an upward boost.

ArleneArlene notices that her date is tapping his fingers and she has been swinging her leg and foot. He looks bored, and she feels tense all over. Taking a long deep breath and a swallow of wine, she feels her shoulders drop and her jaw relax. Arlene leans across the table and breaks into a warm and radiant smile. Her date smiles back and their eyes meet and hold. She has also used her new observational skills at work and is now much more comfortable interacting with others in her work setting. 

JackJack notices that his date seems to be leaning back and looks uncomfortable. Seeing her discomfort, he moves back in his seat, softens his gaze, puts his hands in his lap and concentrates on following her lead. This change of behavior in Jack positively affects each of them. Jack’s date eases her guard, and seeing her soften makes Jack feel more relaxed and confident. Jack, to his advantage, has also learned to notice and respond to the nonverbal cues of others at work, making him feel more confident and greatly improving his interactions with colleagues.

Using technology to improve your nonverbal skills  

The age of electrical and digital gadgets, including audio and visual aids, affords opportunities to see and hear yourself as others do. It also affords the opportunity to view your experience at picking up the nonverbal cues that others send. The following devices capture you in real time. To the degree that you can slow the visual devices down when you watch them or view one frame at a time, you will see and hear more. But whatever you capture, the process itself will make you more aware of sending and receiving nonverbal communication �?provided that you don’t bring self-criticism to the task. Criticism blocks learning while play supports it, so have fun!

See and hear yourself in action

Video camera

Use a tripod and frame your face and hands in the viewfinder to capture your facial expressions and body language. Start recording a conversation between you and your partner. When finished, both of you can watch your nonverbal communication as you listen to your words. Then rewind and replay in slow motion to see even more.

Digital camera

Try asking someone to take a series of shots as you are engaged in conversion. You won’t hear the words, but the images can be very revealing.

Tape recorder

An ordinary tape recorder can be used to capture the tone and resonance in a voice, and the timing and pace in a conversation. Listen most carefully to the sounds you hear that are not words at all.

If you lack technical devices, you can always assume the role of a “fly on the wall�?and observe the nonverbal communication of others. In addition to looking at and listening to yourself, you can practice with others who also want to become more proficient nonverbal communicators.

To the degree that you communicate in this special, nonverbal form of language �?some but not necessarily all of the time �?you will enjoy improved home and work relationships.