Playful Communication Skills:

Strengthen and Repair Relationships

Emotions and nonverbal cues are the basis for good communication, but to give our relationships that extra zing that keeps them happy, light, and joyful, we need to enrich our interactions with humor and playfulness. Humor and playfulness are shared pleasures that create a sense of intimacy and connection, two of the healthiest qualities a relationship can have. Humor can relieve tension, ease hardship, and smooth awkward situations. In this article, you’ll learn to understand and employ the relationship-enhancing tools of humor and play to enliven all your relationships, and significantly add to your emotional intelligence.

Playfulness reduces relationship stress

How does playfulness affect relationships and stress? All types of emotional sharing strengthen relationships, but sharing humor and delight adds a unique element—one that revitalizes a relationship’s original sense of fun and spontaneity and helps heal relationships that are suffering from damage or neglect. The famous assessment phrase from childhood, “plays well with others,�?is important for us as adults, too. This kind of mutual playfulness is more than fun; it’s an opportunity for you and your partner or colleagues to relax, renew, and refresh yourselves—whether at home or at work. Play is our most joyous form of nonverbal communication in personal and work relationships. Using playful communication broadens your emotional intelligence and allows us to:

Take hardships in stride. By allowing us to view our frustrations and disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and playenable us to survive annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.
Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps us say things that might be difficult without creating a flap.
Simultaneously relax and energize ourselves. Play delights the nervous system, relieves fatigue and relaxes our bodies, which allows us to accomplish more.
Become more creative. When we loosen our control, it releases rigid ways of being and encourages us to get creative.
Experience mutual joy. Nothing in life is more enjoyable than sharing joy with someone we love �?or even someone we work with.

Play is truly a life force; we play to improve our health, reduce stress, and learn. For additional information, see Playing Together for Fun: Creative Play and Lifelong Games.

Play should be a shared experience

Why is it important that play be a shared experience in relationships? Play is something we can do alone or as a spectator, but in relationships, play is always a shared experience. The simple fact that we are participating in a playful experience with another person makes it all the more enjoyable. We play together in relationships to:

Be spontaneous—to get out of our heads and away from our troubles.
Let go of defensiveness—to briefly forget our judgments, criticism and doubts.
Release inhibitions�?to set aside our fear of holding back and holding on.
Calm and energize ourselves—to stimulate and regulate our hearts and minds.
Allow honest expression of emotions—to acknowledge and share deeply felt emotions.

Interactive play is not a competitive game; we’re not trying to win or lose. Instead, the play we engage in has to be interesting and equally fun for both people. Something isn’t funny unless it is funny to both parties—and this includes teasing. When each person is excited and drawn into the experience, nothing is more delightful. But, when playfulness is one-sided instead of mutual, it may be harmful to therelationship. Let’s look at some examples of this situation.

Charlie, a firefighter in Los Angeles, found out that his fellow firefighters mixed dog food into his lunch. He didn’t find the prank humorous and filed suit against the city. His coworkers believed they were just having fun with a colleague, but carefully examine their assumptions. That was a big mistake. Charlie won his suit against the city, and years of camaraderie dissolved under the weight of litigation.

Michelle’s feet are always cold when she gets into bed, but she has what she thinks is a playful solution. She heats up her icy feet by placing them on her husband Kevin’s warm body. However, this isn’t a game he enjoys. Kevin has repeatedly told Michelle that he doesn’t appreciate being used as a foot warmer, but she just laughs at his complaints. Lately, Kevin has taken to sleeping at the far edge of the bed, a solution that distances them as a couple.

Fletcher and Lisa are husband and wife professionals who work for the same literary agency. Fletcher enjoys teasing, and has been known to go into Lisa’s files and leave little personal notes in projects she is working on. More than once, Lisa has emailed files containing messages from Fletcher that she didn’t know were there. Fletcher finds this very amusing, but Lisa is embarrassed and feels undermined.

Playfulness that strengthens relationships is a joint investment that can help us over many of life’s hurdles. However, even if a joke is meant to be positive, when it doesn’t consider the other person’s viewpoint, it can undermine trust and goodwill. Before jumping into humor, you need to consider your motives and your partner’s or colleague’s frame of mind. If the other person isn’t likely to consider it fun, don’t say it or do it.

Navigating sensitive situations with play

How does play help us navigate awkward and embarrassing situations? Play and humor can offer a way to communicate with colleagues and loved ones about subjects that may be embarrassing. In playful settings, we hear things differently and can tolerate learning things about ourselves that we otherwise might find unpleasant or even painful. Consider the following situations:

Stephanie got moved to a new cubicle near Amy, who has terrible body odor. Coworkers make fun of Amy behind her back and studiously avoid her. Stephanie tackles the situation, striking up a conversation about birthday gifts she has received, including several bottles of scented shower gels. Stephanie tells Amy she has more than she can use and offers some of the extras to Amy, who accepts. The two women make a game of giving the gels outlandish names like “Tropical Monsoon,�?and trying a different gel each morning. Then, at work, they take turns guessing the brand that each used that day. They have fun, get to know each other better, and Amy’s body odor ceases to be a problem at work.

Kelly fell and broke her right wrist. She is in a cast and feels totally frustrated trying to use her left hand. At dinner, she struggles to get food onto her fork and into her mouth, often dropping it in her lap. Her husband, Tom, switches his fork to his left hand to join her in the challenge, and for the next couple of weeks, they both laugh as food lands on the floor.

Lori’s husband comes home sweaty and dirty from his job. This turns her off, and she can’t imagine being intimate with him under these circumstances. But when she says he should take a bath, he gets angry and accuses her of not appreciating what he does for a living. So instead, Lori turns on the water, begins playfully peeling off his clothes, and joins him in the tub.

Rosita and Enrique have been trying to start a family for longer than either expected. They are undergoing fertility treatment, which, for Rosita, means taking pills and having injections into her abdomen. Their sex life has been greatly disrupted, and they are beginning to snap at each other. To change direction and make a game out of their circumstances, they take turns being responsible for injections and joke about the size of the needle compared to the size of “something else�?that has to be inserted.

Whenever you approach ego-sensitive subjects, you can be treading on thin ice. So before playfully addressing what might be a sensitive subject, ask yourself the following questions:

Are you feeling calm, energetic and warmly connected to your partner or coworker?
Is your true intent to communicate positive feelings?
Are you certain your humorous gesture will be understood and appreciated?
Are you aware of the emotional tone of the nonverbal messages you are sending?
Are you sensitive to the nonverbal signals your partner or coworker is sending?
Do you back off if your partner or colleague seems hurt or angry?
If you say or do something that offends, is it easy for you to immediately apologize?

How can humor help resolve conflict?

Making fun of life’s frustrations is the foundation of successful comedy routines. Lucille Ball, our most famous and beloved female comedian, fashioned her career around the challenges of married love. Lucy satirized the petty jealousies and irritations that husbands and wives feel toward one another—and came up with playful and hilarious resolutions.

Assuming we have a solid basis for a friendly or loving relationship, making fun of things that stress us is something we can do in relationships by:

joking about our frustrations
making a game of pretending to like things we really dislike
spoofing and playfully exaggerating problems
making up games that help get our point across

Play gives us an opportunity to turn conflict into opportunities for shared fun and intimacy. When we use mutual play, we can replace judgment and criticism with humor, and can say and do things that might be awkward or offensive in other contexts.

Here are examples of playful ways to help relationship problems by reducing tension and anger:

Jamie is pregnant with her first baby and is shopping for nursery wallpaper with her husband, Ted. They disagree about the pattern and get into a heated discussion in the middle of a crowded store. Realizing that emotions are escalating over a minor matter, Ted suddenly and loudly declares, “Well, it looks like we have irreconcilable differences. Want to get a divorce?�?People in the store stare at them uncomfortably, and Jamie is momentarily stunned. Then she and Ted both burst into peals of laughter, and go on to choose wallpaper.

After retirement, Alex still goes up on the roof to clean out the gutters. His wife, Angie, has told him numerous times that it scares her when he gets up there. Today, instead of her usual complaints, she yells up to him, “You know, it’s husbands like you who turn wives into nags.�?Alex laughs and comes down from the roof.

Shalene is a distracted driver. Kayla, her carpooling buddy, gets very agitated at Shalene’s inattentiveness. One time, Shalene is oblivious as the light changes to green and continues to sit there humming along to the radio. Then Kayla pipes up, “So, girlfriend, what color light would you like?�?/FONT>

It is a tradition at John’s company to honor the employee of the year with a “roast”—a dinner at which coworkers poke fun at the honoree. Speakers highlight the features that make the honored individual unique, while allowing others to let off a little steam about things that may actually bother them about the person. In the end, though, each presenter offers sincere praise and appreciation for their honored colleague.

Play helps us survive heartbreak and loss

Play is a powerful survival mechanism that supports us during life’s tragedies. Entire civilizations that have been brought to their knees have survived over time by enlisting the force of humor and play to counteract their distress. Intense emotions can change rapidly. One moment we can be in the depths of grief and, in the next, laughing at a ridiculous memory or comment.

Humor and play offer brief vacations from sadness and pain but, more than just time out, play also gives us the courage and strength to find new sources of meaning and hope. For example:

Andy has had a hard life. He became an alcoholic and struggled for years before overcoming his addiction. He has many regrets, including lost jobs, failed marriages, and children he abandoned emotionally. But his failures don’t keep him from joking about his past with family and close friends. The jokes and kidding—poking fun at himself—prevent him from forgetting his problem with alcohol and help him integrate his past with the present.

Tracy has had difficulties with insecurities and eating disorders. Today, healthier and happier, Tracy encourages intimacy and avoids secrecy or denial about her past by speaking openly about her mistakes. She puts people at ease with her painful disclosures by revealing them humorously. Her sense of humor allows her to be open—but not self-pitying—with her family, friends, and coworkers, which endears her to them.

Teresa sits beside her husband’s hospital bed, holding his hand as she watches the machines monitor his pulse, oxygen intake, and heartbeat. After more than a half-century together, she gently says, “You know you have to outlive me; I’m covered by your insurance.�?Len turns to her, and with the twinkle in his eye visible even under these stressful circumstances, he replies, “Darling, why didn’t you mention that sooner? I could have postponed this heart attack!�?/FONT>

Sidney recently lost his job after 31 years of service, and he is worried about finding another job at his age. The hurt of this loss is unlike anything he could have expected, but his playfulness and sense of humor keep him afloat. Sid’s ability to joke about his “paid vacation�?on unemployment bring him the motivation to go out and look for a new position, and the strength to present himself as the capable worker that he is.

Playfulness helps us cope. Life at every age is full of major and minor losses that humor and play help us survive. There are times, however, when humor becomes a cover for avoiding rather than surviving painful emotions.

How is humor misused?

Can people misuse humor to avoid negative emotions? As you’ve seen, the playfulness that produces mutual enjoyment helps maintain healthy relationships. Appropriate, mutual playfulness produces joy—which we all want to experience. However, playfulness and humor can also be misused to hide feelings of fear, hurt, anger and disappointment that we don’t want to experience, or don’t know how to express.

We can be funny about the truth; but, covering up the truth isn’t funny. When we misuse playfulness as a cover for other emotions, we create relationship problems such as confusion and mistrust. The following are examples of misused humor:

Kimberly is perpetually smiling and upbeat. No matter what happens to her, or to anyone else, she remains cheerful. Kimberly’s one-note personality is a tip-off that other, less upbeat, emotions may lie beneath her sunny and playful persona. In reality, Kimberly may be depressed and afraid to express darker feelings.

In his relationship with James, Steven is often jealous and possessive. He is suspicious of every conversation James has with any other guy. But Steven has never learned to openly discuss his insecurities. Instead, he uses what he thinks is humor to express his feelings. However, his “jokes�?usually have a biting, almost hostile edge and do not seem at all funny to James, who responds with coldness and withdrawal.

Stacy also relies on humor to smooth over the rough spots in her life. She uses playfulness and wit to conceal her stress and fatigue. Unfortunately, she has become so good at concealment that she often fails to notice how depleted she is—and keeps going long after she should stop to rest. Her hidden exhaustion limits her capacity to be productive at work or to invest in a relationship.

For clues to whether humor is being used to conceal other emotions, you can ask the following two questions of yourself:

Do nonverbal communication signals—such as tone of voice, intensity, or timing—feel genuinely humorous to you, or do you experience them as forced or somehow “not right�?
Is humor the only emotion routinely expressed, or is there a mixture of other emotions that, at least occasionally, include sadness, fear, and anger?

Learning to Play

What if you don’t know how to play? Many people, not having experienced mutual play as infants, don’t know how to play as adults. The good news is that this is something you can learn! The more you play, the easier it becomes, and the more you practice, the more you learn. Make a commitment to play by putting aside quality play time on a regular basis. Realize that self-consciousness and concern for how you look and sound to others is probably a big factor that’s limiting your playfulness. Remember—as a baby, you were naturally playful; you didn’t worry about the reaction of other people.

Learning to play together is necessary for sharpening the fun skills that help make your relationships flourish. The process of learning to play depends on your preferences. Begin by observing what you already do that borders on fun - telling and listening to jokes; going to movies; making faces in the mirror when you're alone; daydreaming; even eating can be playful. Then, you can try to incorporate more playful activities into your life. You could try taking an improvisation comedy class, throw a costume party, or even volunteer to provide entertainment, such as playing Santa Claus, for the next holiday gathering. The important thing is to find enjoyable activities that loosen you up and help you embrace your playful nature with other people.

Another excellent way to learn playfulness is to practice with “experts�?

Play with animals

Play with animals. Puppies, kittens, and other young animals are eager playmates and always ready to frolic. Make play dates with friends�?pets, or get your own.

Play with babies and young children

Play with babies and young children. The real authorities in human play are children, especially young children. Playing with children who know and trust you is a wonderful way to learn from the experts.

Play with customer service people. Most people in the service industry are social and you’ll find that many will welcome playful banter.

As humor and play become an integrated part of your life, your creativity will flourish and new discoveries for playing with loved ones will occur to you daily.

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