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Conflict Resolution Skills:

Communication for Keeping a Relationship Healthy

Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict can endanger relationships, but if handled well, it can also provide opportunities for growth, ultimately strengthening the bond between two people. Since relationship conflicts are inevitable, learning to deal with them (rather than avoiding them) is crucial. Recognizing and managing conflict is also an essential part of building emotional intelligence, and nurturing relationships at home and work. Learn the skills you need for conflict resolution, and keep your relationships strong and growing.

Why is conflict resolution so important in relationships?

Disagreements challenge relationships, and they occur in any intimate relationship. Two people can’t always have the same needs, opinions, and expectations. A relationship without challenge stops growing and becomes predictable—maybe even boring..

To preserve your relationships and help them grow, you need to be able to confront and resolve conflicts swiftly—without resorting to punishing, criticism, contempt, or defensiveness

Here are examples of people who confront conflict without the skills needed for successful resolution:

David is a guy everyone loves. He is charming and generous, but his irrational rages intimidate others. David’s response to disagreement is unpredictable; one minute he seems fine, and the next he is seething with rage.

Karen’s responses to disagreements are as sudden as David’s. But instead of heating up, she freezes and withdraws. Karen gives people who offend her the “cold shoulder�? refusing to acknowledge or speak to them, often for days on end.

In Claire’s family conflict routinely ended in punishment. She has learned to conceal—even from herself—situations that make her feel frustrated, sad, or frightened. Her goal is to maintain tranquility. But Claire’s string of failed relationships challenges her belief that avoiding conflict is the way to win friends and influence others.

Andréa insists that she can deal with conflict in a totally rational manner. But, in the heat of the moment, she often “loses it�?and ends up embarrassed by behavior she can’t seem to control.

Which communication skills aid conflict resolution?

As infants, we experience an interactive relationship with our primary caregivers—usually our mothers. Within this relationship bond, each person becomes capable of understanding the nonverbal cues of the other, and tuning in to the other person’s feelings. This becomes our model for communication in adulthood, and the nonverbal skills that are most effective for resolving conflict are those we developed as babies.

These communication skills include:

The capacity to remain relaxed and focused in tense and intense situations.

If you don’t know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you may become emotionally overwhelmed in challenging situations.

Sandra became very stressed when she discovered marijuana in her son’s backpack. Before confronting him, she took a walk, calmed herself, and prepared for a conversation rather than an argument. Once she felt more balanced, she was able to tell him how worried she was. She listened to his side of things and they worked out a plan to deal with his stress and concerns about peer pressure.

The ability to experience intense emotions and recognize what matters most to you.

If you ignore or try to sedate feelings like anger, sadness, or fear, you will damage your ability to face and resolve differences. If you fear emotional intensity or insist on solutions being strictly rational, you’ll rob yourself of the tools you need for resolving conflicts. These kinds of misunderstandings are also common in the workplace. Insecurities pop up all the time, and may create wedges between people, or provide opportunities to build greater trust.

Heather and Josh were lovers and good friends—when something triggered an emotional crisis for Josh. He saw Heather having dinner with another man. Before confronting her, Josh took time to acknowledge his anger and hurt. When they talked, Josh was honest about his reaction to seeing Heather with someone else. It turned out that the “other man�?was an old friend in town for the day. Their conversation led to a new degree of closeness and intimacy in their relationship.

The ability to recognize and read nonverbal cues

The most important information conveyed in relationships is often nonverbal. This ongoing nonverbal conversation includes eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, posture, touch, intensity, timing, and pace. In personal as well as work relationships, another person’s emotional upset may have nothing to do with you, but it is a good idea to be observant and to ask the other person what’s going on.

When Darnell arrived for a meeting with Jason, his subordinate, Jason barely looked up and had little to say. Since Jason was usually interested in these weekly exchanges, Darnell realized that something was wrong. Darnell sat down at the conference table and Jason busily shuffled papers around without speaking. Darnell had no idea why Jason seemed upset, but he sensed that he was somehow responsible. He spoke quietly and calmly: “Jason, I don’t know what’s up, but let’s talk about it. Whatever’s wrong, we need to handle it.�?/FONT>

The capacity to be playful in tense and awkward situations

You can avoid many confrontations and resolve differences with the use of humor and a reliance on mutual play. In the work setting, beginning the day with refreshments and playful informality often gets people off on the right track, too.

Sam is a morning person. When he wakes up, he wants to start his day by being intimate with his wife. But Judy is a night owl and is groggy in the morning. So Sam gets up, makes coffee and brings it back to bed, holding it under her nose to wake her up. He playfully cradles her like a child sipping soup, while he whispers romantic comments in her ear and watches as Judy warms up to his suggestions.

These communication skills help resolve conflict in relationships because they:

Make it possible to hear others �?By not getting emotionally overwhelmed, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.
Make it possible for others to hear us - When you can express and control your emotions, you are able to communicate your needs without threatening or punishing others.
Aid in problem solving �?By being calm, focused, and feeling your emotions, you have access to the full range of information about the conflict, which helps you have greater impact in discussing the problem and finding a long-lasting solution.
Offer positive alternatives to knee-jerk, disrespectful, or hurtful communication and behavior - By avoiding punishing and degrading words and actions you allow people to reunite faster.
Build trust - When you resolve conflict and disagreement quickly and painlessly, you help mutual trust to flourish.

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Secure Attachment Experience

Nat’s mother was skilled at caring for him and resolving differences without inflicting shame or punishment. He went through periods of rebellion as a toddler and teenager, and there were disagreements, but they ended in compromises that Nat was able to accept. When he met Toshi, Nat was surprised by the amount of time and attention she asked of him. Although he deeply loved Toshi, he found that she seemed to need much more togetherness than he required from their relationship. Nat was able to tell Toshi how he felt without humiliating her. By finding a way to address issues that mattered to each of them, they were able to resolve their differences, and they grew closer in the process. Nat’s flexibility also benefits his work relationships. His employees know he will take the time to address their concerns patiently, and this trait has made him an exceptional manager.

Insecure Attachment Experience

During Dan’s infancy, his mother had to be hospitalized. When Dan’s father was upset, he took his anger and frustration out on his son. Dan grew up feeling angry and fearful of conflict. By adulthood, Dan had learned to numb his more vulnerable feelings to the point he barely recognized them. He also failed to recognize his longing for closeness and tenderness. When he fell in love with Tanya, Dan thought his unhappy past was behind him. But her requests for time and attention overwhelmed and enraged him to the point that resolving their differences became impossible. At work, Dan is often in conflict with colleagues who make requests of him; he is likely to snap at them for interruptions.

Rosie got along great with her coworkers until she was transferred to a new department, where she shares an office with Shanaya. Rosie likes it very quiet when she is working, but Shanaya listens to rap music all day, which drives Rosie crazy; she can’t concentrate and has trouble getting her work done. Also, Rosie wants the air conditioner up high because she is often too warm, while Shanaya complains that it is freezing.

Travis has a very large, close family whom he enjoys visiting at least once a year. His wife, Debby, is an only child who enjoys alone time. Travis would like nothing better than to join his family in the reunion they plan every summer but Debby finds the boisterous crowd of relatives overwhelming.

When Alec was growing up, his family members were casual about sharing one bathroom and walking around in their underwear. Alec’s father frequently hugged and kissed his mother in front of the children, and Alec could hear them having sex through the thin walls at night. Alec’s wife, Dawn, was raised in a family with more conservative attitudes. She is very uncomfortable with Alec’s open displays of affection and desire for more unconventional sexual practices.

Dora grew up in a home of abject poverty, though now she is comfortable financially. She and her husband, Bob, have well-paying jobs with benefits and retirement plans, but Dora would still rather save money than spend it. Bob wants to enjoy life to the fullest while he can and resents what he perceives as Dora’s stinginess.

Jeff grew up in a relaxed—some would say permissive—environment. Lea came from a home that operated very punctually with rigidly set meal- and bedtimes. Now that they have a family, schedules and house rules have become a problem for them. When Jeff is late for dinner, Lea is upset, and Jeff feels that “Lea’s rules�?interfere with the relationship he has with their kids.

Let’s take another look at the people with differing needs whom we just met. Imagine that the individuals now know how to identify and express needs:

For Rosie and Shanaya to solve their problem, each needs to acknowledge that her own needs, and those of her coworker, are legitimate. Having done that, the problem-solving options are limitless. Shanaya could use a headset for her music, or could see if other kinds of music might be less difficult for her new office mate. Rosie could get a desk fan to make herself more comfortable without adjusting the thermostat. Or perhaps she could get Shanaya a cozy shawl or space heater as a useful peace offering.

Travis and Debby, in a deadlock about how to spend their vacation, face the potential for further emotional upheaval if misunderstandings get in the way. If Travis were to mistake Debby’s need for quiet and privacy as a dislike for his family, it might cause a painful rift. Fortunately, Travis understands that his family overwhelms Debby, so he is open to compromise. Hoping she will eventually appreciate the chaos of a large family, he agrees the two of them will spend a week of their vacation alone.

Alec and Dawn have resolved their problems by speaking openly about their differing comfort levels with displays of affection and intimacy. Dawn understands that in spite of her love for him, his ways of being affectionate can overwhelm her. She understands that he needs to know how much she loves him. Through this communication, Dawn and Alec determined that each will continue to come up with ways of showing affection and sharing intimacy that they both enjoy.

Dora and Bob resolved their money differences by first calmly sharing their feelings about the subject with one another. It surprised Dora to realize that Bob too linked money to security. His childhood also had been touched by poverty which, for him, meant he now longed for them to enjoy some of the pleasures that money could buy. Now, instead of criticizing and calling one another “stingy�?or “spendthrift,�?Dora and Bob find solutions that make both of them feel safe and secure.

Jeff and Lea have had a harder time resolving their differences about parenting styles because both have a lot of emotion tied to childhood memories. But the process of working out their differences has brought them closer together. Each has attentively listened to the other’s feelings about what is important to them, and each has been willing to compromise and come up with creative solutions to meet both of their needs.

In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships.

Conflict Resolution Skills:

Communication for Keeping a Relationship Healthy

Why is conflict resolution so important in relationships?

Which communication skills aid conflict resolution?

These communication skills include:

These communication skills help resolve conflict in relationships because they:

Childhood’s affect on conflict resolution skills

Differing needs create relationship challenges

Recognizing and resolving conflicting needs

Warning:

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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