Sunday, December 12, 2004 - 9:30 a.m. -
I approached the Foothills Hospital with the same amount of trepidation as any newcomer... wondering if as usual I would leave knowing the place like the back of my hand because I'd gotten lost in it more times than I normally cared to admit... Sunday morning and I shoulda still been snoozin or at the very least.. enjoying a beautiful hot coffee from the cozy warmth of my bed.. but here I was trudging toward the main entrance, weaving among the cop cars and ambulances wondering who had screamed "FREE DONUTS!!!!!"....
I took my lil blue card from the Admitting Clerk who could barely speak due to a bad case of laryingitis and remembered my ex touching the elevator buttons with his elbows when he was FORCED to be in a hospital cuz "there's SICK people in here, dontcha know!?!?". I wiped the card on my butt just to be sure any germs still hanging around were transferred to my least absorbent body part and continued on.... touching the "down" arrow for the elevator with my elbows... (just for good luck... heh heh 
).
The M.R.I. Department was in the basement where all the diagnostics seem to be planted in every hospital so down I went to stand in front of the lil redhead who cheerfully handed me a pink form on a clipboard and pointed to where I could sit to check off all applicable areas.... No - I did not have a penile or breast implant... No - I did not have a brain shunt... No - I do not have a pace maker... No - I do not have tatties or piercings... No - I do not wear dentures and I have never had a piece of metal in my eye.... I was feeling rather healthy as I handed it back to her and went to wait for my turn in the tube....
I had never had a magnetic resonance imaging test but I was assuming it would be much like the CT scans I had in the past so apart from the discomfort of the I.V. needle, I was thinkin' this would be a cakewalk. Pretty soon I was ushered into an area to get changed and told to remove my shirt, bra, rings and watch... Ahhhh... Silky was all pimped out in a brand new blue hospital gown and snazzy new housecoat ....
Back in the waiting room in my fancy threads, we looked like the Supremes with hangovers while we waited for our names to be called... I was gonna sing "The Bear Went Over the Mountain" a few times just to make sure they would always yearn to hear my lovely tones and demand that I return again and again for my encores.... They would miss me, I was sure....
Finally, a woman (about 8 feet tall... would you come home and be my Christmas tree?) came by to call out my name and off I went to get my picture taken... No big deal... Right?
The table looked much like a chromed tongue hanging out of a big beige mouth... The machine was rather .. um... sizable... It didn't look at all like the CT scanners I'd made friends with. The scanners have BIG circles and you can beyond the machine. In my tests, I looked much like ole whut's-her-name (the one that King Henry the VIII beheaded.. Ann Bolyn.. I think) kneeling at the guillotine. The MRI didn't have any BIG.... as a matter of fact, it only had SMALL... I took one look at the size of that tunnel and all the air flew outta my lungs... my pipes and every other organ of my body.... It was too tiny!!!!
"Don't look Ethel"... I said to myself as I climbed up on the table and lay back. My "tree" kindly stuck a pillow under my knees and at that point, I decided it was time to tell somebody..." heh, heh... I'm a lil claustrophobic... did I mention that earlier?".... She said, "Just close your eyes and don't look... you will go in for a few rounds of pictures... then you will come out and we will inject some contrast material and you will go back in for another couple of pictures... That's all there is to it ... Just don't look"....
She wedged some foamy boards down on both sides of my head and then, to my horror, suddenly closed a plastic cage over my face until I heard it lock... I peered through the squares at her.... this was rapidly becoming NOT okay with me....
She said... "Okay... close your eyes now and we'll slide you in"... I had a whole new sympathy for my Christmas turkey as I squeezed my eyes shut and felt my body begin to slide in.... I felt me stop and with the brake now on, I broke the rules and opened my eyes.... The roof of the tunnel was about an inch above my cage which was what in the old school, we call "TOO DAMN CLOSE". Never mind The Bear Went Over The Mountain.... "Hey, I gotta get out... HEY, Please lemme out... HEY HEY HEY.... FOR GOD SAKES... LEMME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" The table started to move as I pushed against the face cage trying to help... I arrived rather unceremoniously back in the real world with dinner plate eyes and sweat drippin from my fingertips.... She folded the cage back and I said... "I can't do this!!!! It's too close... I can't breathe in there... Don't make me go back there... Do I hafta do this? Can you do a CT scan? I can't go back in there... I NEVER wanna be in there again...." When I calmed down, she let me sit up and told me that she would give me a sedative and we would try it again in 20 minutes if I would allow it....
I hobbled into the waiting room looking around for a way to escape.... gulping huge lungfuls of glorious air... Out she came with a lil blue pill and told me to put it under my tongue.... I put it there and glared at her suspiciously.... Within minutes, my eyes started to fuzz over... proof I had been oxygen-deprived already that morning as far as I was concerned.... She had told me that the sedative would help me not to care where they put my body but by then I didn't believe her... My palms continued to drip sweat into my tightly rolled up lil kleeenexes and all I knew was that I could not bear to go back into that THING!
20 minutes later.... I was ready to sing the Bear Went Over the Mountain but I still protested it was "OVER" the mountain and not "THROUGH THE MIDDLE" as we once again, wound our way back to the monster machine... This time, I stopped to examine it... Okay, okay... There IS an opening at the other end...it wasn't a "sealed" tunnel as I'd thought... And yes, the slider was well oiled to make sure I didn't get stuck... And there were no doors that would mysteriously close at each end.... But why the face cage thingy? "So you don't move your head", she explained. "If I promise not to move my head????" ... I gave her my most pleading look but it didn't wash at all... "I am sorry but we have to use it".... "Let's try the washcloth over the eyes thing - then for sure, you won't be able to look"... Hmph I thought, a washcloth, a cage and a mammoth air-suckin machine... all on my face... I began to wonder if she could find anything else she wanted to put on my poor lil face....like maybe her Chevy half-ton or her kitchen or something....
She put the washcloth over my eyes... then I could feel the face cage go over... my whole body bathed in sweat - she coulda slid me in there without using the table and I woulda travelled like a greased pig all by myself... Back in I went.... and through my earplugs could vaguely hear her say... "How are you doin Deb?" to which I softly responded.... $!$#%%@$%!$!.... The machine came to life starting to vibrate with the sound of the scanner.... I waited... thought about my grandson Riley, imagined his face, could hear his sweet baby voice.... "That was the first 3 minutes Deb... we are just setting up for more..." I started to think about where I was at... OMG! Then I stopped myself... was gonna try to think of the last time I had made love.... no go there... couldn't remember.... lol! Back to Riley.... how he looked lying next to me with his wonderful eyelashes spread across his velvety cheek as he slept... "That was another 3 minutes Deb... now we're gonna bring you out for your I.V." Vroommmm.... back to life... poke... vroommmm... back to the humming and grinding... back to Riley.... Finally, it was all over and I was let out of that monster. I breathed bigtime for the first 30 minutes and all the time I was getting dressed...
But then I had a problem.... the sedative kicked in as I left the hospital... I took giant steps where there were no steps... wandered off sideways when there were no puddles to avoid.... shortened my steps to babysteps and took forever to walk the block to my truck... people lookin' at me strangely and me lookin back just as strangely.... It was a good thing I had a friend with me to drive me home cuz he tells me we went out for a nice breakfast and even toured the flea market here... I hear I tried on an evening dress and it looked really nice on me... I hear we went for a drink and took a table near the wall... I hear he had to unstick me from the wall cuz I fell asleep twice... He went to the washroom and when he came back I was asleep with my head on my hand... The second time, he went to pay the bill and when he got back, I was asleep again....
I hear we had a nice day.... that I was simply quieter than normal and if he put his arm around me, I'd even walk straighter...
I am always glad to hear that I have had a nice time... It sorta makes up for the monster headache I have had ever since.... Even my nose feels bigger!
Ahhhh.... Silky's life.... never a dull moment.... gotta love it!
Glad I could share it wif ya....
Hugs & kisses,
Silken
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