To be a helpless child suffering the criticism, badgering and pummelling of a rageful, hostile parent... is to become well-acquainted with the behaviors of "learned helplessness". When nothing you can say or not say, do or not do results in even more abuse and abandonment, we learn to lie down, go numb, detach from our bodies and spirits and quietly accept the inevitable... as the whole, healthy person God intends at our births... fragments in its search for places to hide... And so we learn that it is our purpose to become the kicking post for the rageful parent's insanity... But what about the other parent?
What about the woman/mother who condones her children's beatings and the destruction of their souls? The mother who teaches that a "good woman" must accept her lot in life? The one who sets her children up as the targets of her husband's rage to save her own skin? The one who teaches that it is NOT okay for a woman to turn her back on her abuser? And by this.. becomes, yet another abuser rather than the place of sanctity and safety a child should find in every mother's arms...
And so it is that we, the fragmented and distorted, enter our adult years trying to wear a brave face to the rest of the world when our heavens turn to hell in the hands of those who "love" us... In the darkened hours we call our "lives", we continue to consort with the demons we know... familiar with them, knowing them...even being able to call them by their names... Yet, failing to be able to grasp that this is not "life" but "death"...
The years pass so quickly... Over and over again, we unknowingly give ourselves away... Our daytime routines governed by the needs of others... Our nighttimes - places of exhaustion and sorrow... The only time we ever have to grieve what could have been... what should have been.. what cannot be... And we weep...
Time and again, we return to that place inside ourselves... that place that forgives our abusers so easily, yet has no forgiveness for ourselves. Between relationships, we force ourselves into isolation and loneliness... unworthy, unlovable, undesirable... we cannot show the world...
The rage... turned inward... becomes depression and grief... unrevealed, contained, controlled... Playing itself out in addictions and absence of self... Cutting ourselves off from the pleasures of life... We breathe a steady mist of fury with ourselves for taking over for our parents... and the duty of continuing their teachings... Once again, our child within huddles in the dark knowing that the adult who is NOW in control will also fail to protect that innocent child within and replay the horrors of our youth. As adults, we are the adults of our child within... There to protect and control... There to thwart the pain and heartache... There to allow the sun to shine on our inner child... Instead, we become so very lost in rage and the inability to forgive ourselves as we forgive others... Have mercy... oh Lord, have mercy on that child...
And so it is... I have travelled these many backroads... now soaked in my tears... with vital parts of me left behind... wasted years.. wasted precious time... wasted love... But now, I see... I am willing to see... I welcome the legacy of my heartaches... And it is time to forgive not them, not him but me...
Because TODAY... is the first day of the rest of my life... Unable to re-write history or unlearn the lessons contained in the many heartaches, I take them with me to go forward to a stronger me... the me I started out to be as a soft little girl who quietly crooned to her dollies and wished for family... and love...
And today... I forgive me for not protecting that tiny child... the one who laughs all over her face... the one who is infinitely curious about life and people... the one who dared to explore the smells, tastes, sights and sounds of the world around her... the one who sings from her soul... the one who loved a crispy bowl of Corn Flakes before bed... the one whose heart softened at the sight of other's pain....
The anger... a part of God's makeup and in its rightful place will now be used to detach... to keep safe... to withdraw from those who would leave me standing with tears in my eyes and pain in my soul... And I leave behind the adult in me who refused to face the truth that it must be me and me alone, who stands in front of that beautiful child... until she trusts ME enough to come out and play in the sun... where she belongs...
Today... my life begins.... Finally... thank God... I forgive me...