INTERNAL CHANGES TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES
FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
FOCUS ON THOUGHTS SUCH AS THE FOLLOWING:
| You can create your own happiness and take care of yourself-You don't NEED (must have) anyone else to do it for you. . |
| Love yourself unconditionally the way you are. Even though you may never be the person you would ideally like, learn to let go of "shoulds." Instead (1) replace the "shoulds" with "wants," and (2) learn that your basic self-worth begins with loving yourself unconditionally because you are alive and a human being. You can love yourself despite any imperfections and accept those imperfections as part of yourself. You can also believe that someone like you could love you the way you are now (despite any imperfections), you don't have to wait until you are prefect before you seek a relationship. Go to self-esteem chapter. |
| Attempt to focus on being your "higher self" while dealing with other people (vs. trying to be what you think others want you to be). Putting your higher self in control means choosing to think and act out of empathy and love for self and others, seeking happiness for self and others, seeking win-win solutions, etc. Go to higher self chapter. |
| Seek those who will like you as you really are. Choose to be closest friends with those who know all about you and like/love you the way you are. Reveal your inner feelings and thoughts more honestly with potentially close friends. This openness will show confidence and acceptance of yourself, reveal trust in the other, and serve as a test to see if the other can accept you as you are. If they can't accept you as you are, then they don't make very good candidates for close relationships. (Don't be so open and honest with people you have reason not to trust.) |
| If you have been successful before, you can be successful again. If you are feeling discouraged about finding someone or feeling bad about yourself and if you have had close friends, relatives, or relationships in the past, remember that at least one other person liked you the way you are. You know you can develop another relationship at least as good as one of those. If you have grown since then, you will probably have a better relationship. |
| You may want to change for yourself. If you think you aren't yet the person you believe will attract the kind of person you want, then perhaps you need to make your first priority becoming that person. Focus on being the person you want to be as much as possible. |
| The person you are or want to be will be very attractive to the type of person who is "right" for you. Would you be attracted to someone else who also was like you? |
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THOUGHTS and ACTIONS TO OVERCOME FEARS OF REJECTION and
INCREASE CHANCES FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
HAPPINESS RULE
Try following the happiness rule: Seek out people who can contribute most to your overall happiness and support your being the person you want to be. Many of these people will be similar to the type of person you really want to be. Avoid spending too much time with people who take away from being that kind of person.
SELF-SELECTING RULE
Follow the self-selecting rule: Be the person you really want AND tell others your true inner feelings and thoughts more assertively. Even though you may fear that others may not like who you really are and reject you, that is good. Being open separates those people who are "right" for closer relationships from those who are not. For example, if you meet Sally (who is not potentially a close friend) and hide who you really are from her, it may take her a long time to find out what you are really like and reject you. In this case you have both wasted a lot of time. If you present yourself honestly and openly from the beginning, you will attract or repel people much faster. This saves a lot of time.
Incidentally, a bonus of this approach is that most people prefer honesty and the self-love and self-confidence that openness reveals, so you may be more appealing to more people.
GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN
Focus on your actions not their reactions. An important lesson about anxiety is that when we focus on external outcomes that are beyond our immediate control, we give up control of our emotions and will begin to feel anxious and helpless. The same is true in meeting people, approaching people, talking to people, trying to help people, trying to entertain people, etc. If you focus on their evaluation or approval of you, spending time with you, giving back to you, or any other reaction outside your control, you increase your anxiety and helplessness.
Therefore, focus on approaching people, being friendly, your talking and listening, your openness and honesty, your assertiveness, and your thinking positive thoughts. You can control what you think and do. The result will be that you are setting attainable goals that you have control over. Knowing that can give you peace.
In the long run, you may not want invest much energy in a relationship if you do not receive enough of what you want. However, in the short run, focus on your actions as ends in themselves to "practice your act" and be the kind of person in a relationship that you want to be. Eventually others will respond positively as you get better at it and as you approach the right people.
Also, say this to yourself, "My gift recipients have the freedom to do whatever they want with my gifts (my attention, help, etc.)--since it is now theirs." It is OK for them to reject the gifts and you can still feel good because you gave in the spirit of true unconditional, non-demanding love.
INVITATIONS AS GIFTS
Do you ever feel anxiety about inviting someone to do something with you? If so, try viewing your invitation as a gift in the spirit just discussed above. It is a gift in two ways: (1) it is a compliment to the other person that you care enough about them and find them attractive enough to give the invitation and (2) your time is a gift which is offered to them. Thus even if they reject the offer to spend time together, they still have received the gift of the compliment. Accordingly, start stating your invitations more as compliments." EXAMPLE: "Mark, I've really enjoyed talking with you, I would really like for us to get together again soon." This is a very effective and efficient way to give an invitation.
ASSERTION TRAINING
Learn the difference between non-assertive behavior ("I lose, you win"--passive, indirect, avoidance); aggressive behavior."I win, you lose"--dominating, controlling, selfish); and assertive ("win-win"-caring, calm, understanding, diplomatic, honest, but direct and firm behavior). The most successful relationships are assertive-assertive ones.
Learn how to be both an understanding listener who looks deeply into important issues and someone who can communicate my own feelings in a direct, caring, and diplomatic manner to others. Go to the free self-help brochures on Assertion training, intimacy, and communication.
CHECK OUT University Counseling Center Self-Instructional Videos to build Interpersonal skills in MEETING PEOPLE, DATING, ASSERTIVENESS, AND COMMUNICATION SKILLS. Hundreds have increased their meeting people, dating, and assertiveness skills with these videotapes. Ask receptionist.
ROMANCE TRAINING
Men and women often differ considerably in their knowledge and expectations about romance. One survey found that 94% of romance novels are read by women. Women gain a lot of knowledge and expectations from their reading, watching romantic movies, and talking with each other. Many men could learn more about what women want simply by going to romantic movies, reading some romantic books, or just asking women what they think is romantic. Also, anyone can buy books that give tips about how to be romantic.
Most men feel inadequate in the romance area, but won't admit it to anyone. Instead many just belittle romance as being unimportant or avoid dealing with it by saying, "I'm not the romantic type." However, anyone can add romance to their relationships. Anyone can buy cards, flowers, give compliments, be affectionate, take someone to a romantic setting, enjoy a sunset together, learn to dance, or go to romantic movies. Above all, ask your partner what he/she wants and what he/she thinks is romantic, and then be open for developing a more "romantic" outlook and actions. It can add a lot of fun and intimacy to your relationship and make you more sexually desirable.
If you want your partner to be romantic, remember that he/she may feel insecure in that area and be very sensitive to criticism. So use a positive approach as much as possible. Tell your partner how important romance is to you, be specific about what actions you think are romantic, and praise your partner for any romantic attempt (never make fun of attempts). Say, "How romantic," not "its about time you bought me some flowers."