I’d like to share with you, if I may, a few examples of men getting it wrong.

While at a very popular bar in Santa Monica the other night celebrating my birthday with my sister and her boyfriend I noticed that every time I gazed off to my left a man would catch my eye and stare intently at me. He didn’t smile, he didn’t wink, he didn’t nod, he just kept staring at me until I’d break it off (which was always quickly). The feeling I got from the look was one of discomfort. The look he was giving me didn’t seem like one of admiration, but rather of offense. I finally asked the very attractive lawyer I was standing next to what the deal must be with the guy (after all I’d never seen the man before, so how could I have possibly offended him?). He took one look at the man and said, “Poor fellow, it must be the only look he’s got in his repertoire.�?

And then it hit me, I’ve noticed this kind of intense look off and on from men my entire adult life and I never realized they were trying to flirt with me �?I always thought they were in a terrible mood and I was just unfortunate to have crossed their path.

So my dear men, is it possible that the intense stare you use to try and flirt with women is in fact scaring them off instead? It’s pretty easy to tell, is the stare working? Are you getting dates with it? If not (which is why you’re probably reading this right now) you need a new game plan. My advice? Rein in the intensity of your glances and instead give a woman who catches your eye a nice warm grin, a wink, a nod hello and let her know that the site of her brightened up your life.

Now, let’s move on to how you handle your actually body language and how the improper use of it can ruin your chances. Once over the holidays, and then just the other night, I had a man move in on my own “personal space�?far too quickly. In one case the man and I in question were in a crowded bar and he had his leg against mine almost the entire evening. In the other case I met a man at a dance club who bumped into me, or brushed his arm or leg against mine, no less than five times.

In the first case I considered the man a new friend, meaning I liked him but wasn’t planning on anything sexual or romantic happening between us (and he seemed of the same mind set). Since he hadn’t ever flirted with me, nor I with him, I found the physical contact out of left field and very disconcerting. We weren’t on a date. We’d agreed to meet to see a band I liked. I finally had us move towards the stage to watch the band so I could get away from the contact.

In the second scenario it took me awhile to realize that the guy must be purposefully be bumping into me. This annoyed me because we’d only met that evening and though I was being friendly, I wasn’t flirting with this man either. It’s also possible that he’s a bit klutzy or doesn’t hold his liquor well, but none of my male friends thought this was the deal.

Where these men went wrong is that they either misread my signals, or didn’t care about them, or both. Whichever way you slice it the effect their actions had on me was probably exactly the opposite of what they wanted (since both want to hang out again) �?and this is exactly what happens when you don’t keep yourself bodily in check until you’re sure the woman wants you to turn things up a notch.

When you move too fast physically you risk turning the woman off physically. What you need to start getting clear with is that being a man full of self confidence and self esteem with women doesn’t mean you run a woman over with your physical desire �?no �?the great seducers know that it’s far better to set it up so that a woman comes to you.

So just how do you push the envelope in the flirtation department without actually touching her?

You touch her with your attention. You key into her with your listening skills. Rather than brag to her about how fantastic you are you draw her out and get her talking about herself, about her hopes, her dreams etc. You listen intently, giving her plenty of strong eye contact (but being careful not to stare so intently you make her uncomfortable).

You also make sure that your body language is open and accepting. If you’ve found a woman you’re really interested in it’s no good standing shoulder to shoulder next to her (or in any way that your body is pointing away from her) so that you can scan the crowd in case someone hotter should appear. No, for the amount of time you want to spend talking with this woman your complete attention should be focused on her �?but unless you’re on a date with her you shouldn’t bombard her with your attention all night, that’s too much of a good thing and will make her feel she’s got you figured out and it might bore her.

The only touching that you should venture forth with is a light touch on the hand or the arm to emphasize a point you’re making in the conversation, and it’s best if you actually wait for her to make this kind of move before you do. If she touches you it means she’s feeling safe enough to trust you.

Now you can turn up the heat by “triangling�?her with your eyes. By this I mean that you hold strong eye contact while talking to you but instead of solely keeping your eyes on her face you glance from one eye to the other and then her mouth occasionally. This is what humans naturally do when attracted to someone. If she starts to tilt her head to the left or right while you’re speaking to her, and if she starts toying with her hair as well, you’re in. She’s flirting and now is the time to get her number and say good night to leave her intrigued and curious.