Making your long-distance relationship work

By: Tamara Knapp-Grosz, Ph.D. (and Michael Grosz, D.C.)

Published: Friday, February 8, 2002

You have heard the statistics about long-distance relationships. The "Dating Doctor" Dave Coleman says that 90 percent of all long distance relationships end within a year. Your mother, your sister and even your friends tell you it won’t last. The phone bills are enormous and it’s exhausting traveling to see each other now and then. Saturday nights can be very lonely.

Despite all of this though, it is hard to find that special someone and the time together seems to make it all worthwhile. In addition, in a competitive job market it is sometimes unreasonable to expect a couple to find the best job with the highest salary and greatest chance for advancement in the same town. Long distance relationships are often inevitable for career-minded people.

My husband Michael and I have been a couple since 1985. We met when he was at West Point and I was finishing my master’s degree. We had a blissful start by living only 45 minutes apart for six months. Then we began a long-distance relationship because of our careers. We didn’t begin a full-time relationship in the same city until 1998 when we moved to Savannah. What follows are our tips for a successful long-distance relationship.

Survival skill No. 1: First and probably the most important skill is to develop a basic foundation of trust in the relationship and in each other’s commitment to the relationship. This skill is crucial because without it you spend hours obsessing or being jealous needlessly. Remember that another person cannot give you a sense of trust. This must come from you alone. Work on this skill in whatever way works for you-therapy, chats with a good friend, journal writing. Just do something that helps you heal what ever it is that is preventing you from trusting.

Survival skill No. 2: Embrace life even when you are apart. Many couples in long-distance relationships miss out on so much of life waiting for their partner to join them. They stay home while others go out, thinking this makes them more committed. They fear growing apart. Instead, it often builds resentment and contributes to the loneliness. These fears usually relate to a lack of trust described above. Take up a new hobby, develop friendships that support, not threaten, your long-distance relationship, and most of all don’t let life pass you by. When you are together you will have so much more to share and you will not unrealistically expect one weekend to make up for two or three weeks of staying at home doing nothing.

Survival skill No. 3: Learn what method works best for communication. Michael and I began our relationship back in the "dark ages" before e-mail. We wrote letters almost every day. It was much like journal writing because we really shared what was going on in our hearts. See what works for you in your relationship.

Survival skill No. 4: Develop a sense of humor as a couple and have some fun. Learn to laugh at the difficulties in long-distance relating. Don’t hibernate on your weekends together. Spend quality private time together of course, but also go out and do mindless silly things. Create memories.

Survival skill No. 5: Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. This is a basic survival skill for all relationships, but it is especially important in a long-distance relationship. Tell your partner what you need.

Survival skill No. 6: Building upon skill No. 5, don’t expect your long-distance relationship (or any relationship for that matter) to meet all your needs. Close friendships with others are especially important when you are in a long-distance relationship.

Survival skill No. 7: Respect each other’s differences during reunions.

Survival skill No. 8: When you are feeling overwhelmed by missing each other or wondering if all of this is worth it, take time to reflect. Light some candles. Take out a picture of your loved one. Play your special songs. Read some especially romantic old love letters. Take time to remember what is special about your relationship and about this person.

Survival skill No. 9: Don’t accept failure as an option. If you are truly committed to each other and your long-distance relationship is a loving mutually satisfying relationship in which each of you have the opportunity to grow, don’t give up on it!

Survival skill No. 10: Develop faith. Like trust, faith is a personal journey that will have a strong impact on the success of your relationship. Faith means letting go of control and trusting in the future. If this relationship is to last, it will. Worrying will only make you miserable. Focus on the positives and you will continue to bring positives to your relationship no matter how far apart you are.