Sunshine and Rainbows

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The Daily Motivator has to be totally from God..

because it amazes me how in perfect time the words are to

my life when I read them.

I have not read the messages in my mail box for several days..

and these are EXACTLY where my heart and mind are right now..

needing, longing for my dreams and desires to be fulfilled.

I pray it will truly be so...

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Monday, October 1, 2007

Fulfillment of desires
+++++++++++++++++++

If you are not moving forward, it's because you are holding
yourself back.

You may have chosen to blame your lack of
progress on outside factors, yet deep down you know that you
are the primary factor.

It doesn't really matter why or how you've chosen to prevent
yourself from achieving your desired results.

What's crucial is that you simply get out of the way

and allow yourself to move forward.

There is a very real and accessible connection between you
and whatever it is that you desire.

To achieve your desired results takes nothing more

than activating that connection
and letting it follow its natural course.

The same conditions that make your desires possible also
make it possible for you to fulfill those desires.

So stop fighting those conditions and start making use of them.

You are not separate from the fulfillment of your dreams.

You are in fact the person through whom that fulfillment can
be most easily and most magnificently expressed.

Let the seeds of your treasured desires grow as they will in
the fertile ground of intention.

Allow whatever you seek to flow freely and

unhindered from the best of who you are.

Ralph Marston

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Saturday, September 29, 2007

This is the day
+++++++++++++++++++

If you've been waiting to start really living your life,
today is the day to begin.

As of this moment, your wait is
over.

Sure, it would be nice if you could wait just a little bit
longer, to get in better shape, to get a little more
organized, or to save up some more money.

The fact is, though, that things are never going to be perfect, so why
not just go ahead and jump right now into the fullness of
life?

You know all those things you've been telling yourself that
someday you'll get around to doing?

That idealized someday
is never really going to come, yet the good news is that
today is just fine and is here for you right now.

Today is what you have to work with.

Today is when you can
actually give life to your dreams.

Today you can put those things you've been meaning to do
into real, effective, fulfilling action.

Today you will experience how good it is to go beyond

merely planning, dreaming and intending, and to bring

those beautiful plans to life.

Though it may seem very ordinary, this is the day you've
been waiting to live.

Breathe in the sweet air of limitless possibility,

and make life as rich as you know it can be.

Ralph Marston

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Monday, December 10, 2007

What you long for
+++++++++++++++++++

What you are longing form is already here. How could you know
it so intimately if it was not a part of you even now?

What separates you from your dream? It is nothing more than
your resistance to accepting it a living it.

What you long for is not to be found in some object or
location or set of circumstances. It is within you.

Go ahead and let it out. Go ahead and let it be.

No amount of misfortune or disappointment can tarnish the
values you hold most dearly. Step gracefully and confidently
forward knowing that you and your dreams are always intact,
no matter which way the world may go.

Live the joy that is in what you long for. It is real, it is
here, and it is you.

Ralph Marston

Thank you Jeni.... I will treasure this post from you always, for the rest of my life, and into the next one. You have no idea how much I needed to hear what you wrote.... no idea. You saved my heart today.

well will do twice,what the heck, little grace there, walking around in a huge world of beauty and wonder, the world is hers for the taking................

the world is hers for the taking..........

Sometimes the thing we most need, the thing we most want, the thing we are destined

to have... is beyond our sight, beyond our reach, like in the picture, where we can't see what is on the other side of the crest of the hill. We won't know what is waiting to be ours for the mere taking until we take the steps needed to climb the path and walk it all the way to get to what waits for us beyond our sight.

Tonight, just a few minutes ago, I made it to the top of the hill and saw what was waiting for me. It was me. The real me. The me I've searched for for so many years now but who seemed to always be just beyond one thing or another... out of reach, and always sinking back down out of sight as soon as I got close to finding her.

From the souls point of view, the struggling caterpillar has found her butterfly wings... and she is free to fly now. The battle is over, and has been won.

The struggle, the on-going battle for years, that until this last year I was not even aware I was in a fight about... was between the person I believed I was "supposed" to be, the person I thought I "should" be, the person I believed I "had" to be in order to be "correct", or "right"... and the person I AM. My real, authentic self.

The battle was confusing... because I at time thought that the 'real' self that was trying to come out into existence... was a false self, someone I made up, and wished for, but who maybe wasn't really supposed to exist. And so I fought with all my might.... to be the wrong person all these years. And the only reason I never succeeded is because my true, authentic self turned out to be one hell of a strong dame!.... and she would not let me go willingly into the night, without a fight.

I'm rambling, because I'm on such a high about it.... and I'm searching within to find the right words to describe what happened that it all became revealed to me just now....

I was sitting on the sofa, crying after watching some love scenes on various things on tv, crying after having read one of the loving e-mails between Robin and Sandra.... and hurting because he wasn't loving towards me the way he is with her right now. And I cried over the memories of the good parts of us... and I cried as I sat telling myself... "this is what YOU wanted".... "YOU made this choice"..... "YOU wanted out"..... and I cried over the memories of how I was not able to be the devoted, adoring wife that he craves and needs, and she is, and the suddenly, out of the blue it just BAM, hit me full force.... that I couldn't be that kind of wife... because, that is not who I AM! It's not ME. And I suddenly realised all along I was playing the 'dutiful' role, of what I thought I was "supposed" to be.

And more to the point..... all the times I got upset with him, it was for not doing the things I needed him to do to help me be the kind of wife I "thought" I was supposed to be... the false, and incorrect person. I was so imprisoned by the need to be "correct", according to what others and society dictated a wife should be, that since I could not be on my own what I really wasn't...I needed him to help me. I was sitting on the couch saying that very thing... that if he'd just have met me half way, I could have been the kind of wife he needed... but that I couldn't do it on my own....

And that's when the huge lightbulb went off... and the tears, and struggle, and pain stopped instantly. I had the thought.... "Because that is not ME!"

I sat on the sofa stunned, and felt as if I was finally looking fully at my real self... no masks of any kind anymore. I was able to finally admit the deep, dark, inner secret that had been the battle I waged for so long.... I was not rebelling against being the kind of wife I'd hated seeing other women be. The "real" me was simply fighting to exist!

It's kind of like looking at a row of mirrors reflecting back your self over and over..

know what I mean.... each image only another reflection of a "reflection"... not of the

origional, real you standing in front of the mirror. And now, it's a matter of seeing only the real me... not a false reflection.

I've been fighting only against my SELF all these years.... it's all so clear to me now.

Fighting my own false, incorrect image... the "supposed to be" titles and rules put

into us by other people.... images and information we pick up along the way and

somehow adopt for our own beliefs, without really realising we are doing it.

The "real" me did not want to be the "good, perfect, adoring wife".

The false me did... and only because she felt she "had" to be that way.

But the real me rebelled in whatever way possible to 'save myself'.

Oh how many times over the years did I ask God... "which is the real me????"
... "are my dreams only temptations, leading me to sin...??.... "or are my dreams

and desires the 'real' me trying to get out???". I just found it so difficult to

Until tonight, when it just suddenly came out and to the surface....

Well... not really suddenly. I've been praying for this moment for the last

couple of weeks now.... that's what all this "turmoil" has been from lately... 'truth' bubbling up to the surface to be seen, and hear, and admitted and accepted and

acknowledged and received.

This 'flower' is now free to grow, and to bloom.... because now she is finally

free to become her true, fully authentic self. Her real self. No more struggles

with "shoulds" of any kind.

I was "willing" to be the good, faithful, dutiful wife...to the wrong man.... because

I was trained along the way that is what I was supposed to be.

I'm rambling , and I know I'm repeating my self..... I'm just trying to get all the

analogies written down out of my head..... trying to get it all recorded before I

get to far past the magic of the moment.

There really are no words to describe this amazing moment of truth, and what

"clarity of mind" really feels like. It's almost overwhelming... such a good, clean

feeling... when the struggle is finally ended and over, and there remains only

inner peace with yourself and who you are.

"It's not me.".....

How often we women can easily say that about a dress, or piece of jewelry etc...

we try something on and instantly dislike it and put it back with the exclamation... "it's not me".

Yet we wear a "false self" that really "is not me".... because someone else somewhere along the path of our life said that is "who" we are supposed to be, and how we are supposed to act, and how we are supposed to think and believe.

Can you throw caution to the wind and say 'No more.' ? And say freely and simply, and softly....... "that's not me." ... ?

I was hurting lately because Sandra is being the kind of wife to Robin that he needs and wants.... that I "wanted" to be...and tried to be and couldn't, and she is getting from him what I wanted to get. I just could not figure out how come she was able to do it, and I wasn't! It really hurt at times. But now I know that the total, honest truth is....being that kind of wife... it's not me. That's all there is to it. And I'm not going to feel bad about that anymore. Yes, I failed. I failed at trying to be

something I was not at all designed to be!

That's probably the real reason why I was so depressed and suicidal near the end of my marriage.... because the real me really was almost dead. I really was dieing. Because I was living a lie, or trying to. No more.

Now I am free to succeed.... at being me!

I'm beyond the top of the hill now... and I see the wonderful view of my life

waiting up ahead.....

.......

the world is hers for the taking.

This is what I love when I go to the beach... the vast openess of sky and water..... total freedom...no limits...nothing being "blocked".... just open, endless "space". Seeing it, gazing out over the water, and up into the sky always makes my soul smile.

And this morning my soul is smiling because I "feel" that same senses of "openess"

and "freedom" ... inside myself. And I have a name for it finally.... living "naturally"

...from the inside...from who we "are". I've finally 'connected' with that part of my

self... and it makes everything about life totally different. It brings such a great sense of inner peace. Getting to that special place inside is where you find your own, unique, chosen "path" for your individual life... and all feels "right" when you finally get on it. And what I feel now, in that place, is what I feel when I'm standing on the beach up there...all is "open".

And in this place of inner peace I also connected with what it is I really want

in a relationship, if I should ever have one. I have a new, more clear understanding of how I want to be loved by someone else.... and that is I want to be loved just for

being me... and not for what they get from me.

I know it sounds simple.. and that I've said it before, lots of times... but now.... I just see it in a deeper way somehow... a more clear understanding of just exactly what that means. Maybe it's because now I can see my "self" more clearly. I can also see now that living "off" of what we get from someone in marriage is kind of like our being feeding sharks. We devour our 'meal' person... and when what they have to supply is gone, we move on to someone else... another source of 'emotional food supply'. And then also, there are those of us who are the 'meal'...who get eaten alive by our mates.... devoured... and then spit out and rejected when there's nothing left to satisfy their hunger ... and off they go to find food elsewhere.

Soul relationships don't "feed" off of each other. Soul relationships feed each other, nourish each other's essence of being their true, their best self. Soul relationships give... they don't take. Soul relationships don't leave the other person feeling like a chunk of themself has been bitten out of them...leaving a gaping hole....left to bleed to death.

We live in deep waters here on earth... and sharks are everywhere... looking for someone to bite into and feed off of to satisfy only themselves. We live with them,

we work with them, we're related to them, we pass them on the street and in the grocery store aisles every day of our lives. We don't have to offer ourselves up as free meals for any of them.

Sometimes we are even trained to offer ourselves up as a meal for someone.. and we

literally joyfully throw ourselves onto a silver platter and dish ourselves out to them with a big adoring smile on our face... "Here I am! Just for you! Eat me and enjoy yourself! I'm just so thrilled you even want me!!.. Dive in, I'm all yours!!" And then when they finish getting all the good stuff out of us, and decide they don't like whats left and they move on... or just simply start ignoring us, we lay there on our dirty platter, all bones and crumbs and not understanding why their interest level changed. We start to feel kind of a draft on that platter...and start to feel cold. We do not realise it's because half, or more, of us is gone..and it's wind blowing through the bones of our empty self.

What was eaten off and out of me... has been grown back now... refilled in. I

have another chance at living.... the better way. From the inside out.

And when you find that true essence of your inner self.....and are able to grow and fulfill your existence just from who you are by nature.... it's so totally different, and feels so good. You then can't help but be who you are... because it just comes natural. There's no struggle, there's no questions or doubts or pain attached at all. It feels like it does when standing on the beach seeing nothing but open sky and ocean.

Free. To be.

"It just comes natural..."... now I know why I've always felt spiritually connected to that country song ....

"The Natural".... now I know why I've always felt spiritually connected to that movie....

The "message" of it was always there and other places... calling to me from the universe.... striving to teach me what I needed to learn, and to know.... about living by what comes to us "naturally" from inside ourself because that is our true self.

There is no peace like the peace that comes with finding our true, natural, inner

self. It will be so much easier to grow into the fullness of my self now. Because

now I'm living as me... and not someone else. When you do that, it just comes natural.

From: Grace*

Sent: 3/16/2008 10:26 PM

Double drat....

After so much progress yesterday, today I went backwards...

I'll blame it on the Full Moon coming this week.....

Ya'll will spank me for what I did..

. and it's ok.... I deserve it.

I gave into the mental temptation to say something sarcastic to his wife.

And I almost instanly e-mailed an apology to him... which he will

read tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

It just kept nagging at me all month long... that one year ago this

month is when he started seeing her and sleeping with her and ended things.

As I said.... I gave in to the temptations in my head... when I should have

been saying NO to them, and fighting against them.

And just a day after having the fleeting thought of wanting to be friends!

That is what irritates me the most. I almost cost myself the thing I really

want most.... friendship and peace in the family, at all cost.

I've already repented to God of course... and saw the lesson of how wounds

don't heal when we keep picking at them...

. As many times as I've heard that

refer to emotional wounds... this is the first time I really saw how we do it to ourself.

I followed it per text book.... pick, pick,... keep it bleeding...

So now.... I'm bandaging the rest of the wounds up and I am going to leave them

alone and I'm determined to let them heal and go away.

I was not expecting her to be at work... she usually doesn't work on Sundays..

but she was there... and stuff just kept eating at me.. whispering in my head...

and on my way to check out as I passed her at the florist stand I told her

"Just wanted to wish you happy anniversary". She looked puzzled and said..

uhhh... and for what?... "it was a year ago this month you and Robin got

together and my marriage ended"..... and turned to go check out...

As I walked away I said something else rather crude.

.. which I won't repeat here....

It's scary how easy it can be to be evil.... when we give in to it...

...

Over and over I've been failing the test given to me of 'fighting tempation' ... I hear the

tempting ideas in my head, and I find it so hard to stop and take time to

question or debate them.... I just let my emotions take over and decide for me.

I just kept feeling this driving force within... say it, say it, say it....

That's why I know I need to get back to church.... I'm drowning out here in this

unsaved world of people I am surrounded by.. and I need to get into the protection

of being with other Christians and to also get my head filled back up with right thinking etc.

We can only do so much on our own. For the big stuff...we need to be connected to

fellow believers and prayer partners to talk to and help us. And I need help... I'm

not doing good on my own at this point. Too easy to slip backwards... and I want to

keep going forward.

I cannot screw this up.... I cannot be the one to cost my daughter a peaceful relationship

between her parents at Ethan's expense etc... his activities and birthdays. I'll eat crow,

drink mudd... whatever it takes for that child to be able to be in a place with both

his memaw and papaw and not feel the verge of war breaking out. I just refuse!... so

maybe I better keep him in the forefront of all future temptations from now on! He's

my only strong weapon that will be able to get me to say no to myself!

Time for some wine tonight.

... not hot chocolate.

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Delete Message 574 of 576 in Discussion

From: junebug

Sent: 3/17/2008 6:57 AM

Read this one this morning and yes, you really need to refrain from swiping at her. It only makes her look like the victim of your anger....WHICH YOU HAVE a right to be angry. But do remember this anger is really at Robin, not her. He left your marriage way before he slept with her. Ok, enough of my two cents psychology....Feel better gf.....it will pass. And yes, do it for Ethan. DO NOT BE A DOOR MAT, be a gramma......

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Delete Message 575 of 576 in Discussion

From: <NOBR>

granny08x</NOBR>

Sent: 3/17/2008 7:41 AM

read, nothing to add, i agree with junebug, the only thing the woman got was your leavings, god help her, as god said pray for those that are in the wrong, and if you are right, she will need your prayers lol.

remember who was at fault here, and pray for him

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Delete Message 576 of 576 in Discussion

From: Grace*

Sent: 3/17/2008 9:53 AM

I'm sitting here crying.... not in sadness, but in feeling the love come from the

two of you in your words.

All of you in this group give me the type of understanding, forgiveness for my shortcomings, and faith in my abilities, and encouragement.... and love... that I need to become a better

person and that I don't get anywhere's else... except of course from God. I can come here

and confess my sins and feel safe to do so. Because even if I do get the correction I need,

it too is given in love and support and encouragement, not the condemnation that I'm used to.

I knew it was wrong to do.... knew that anything bad I do will only make me out to be bad,

and will not hurt anyone but me. Yet .... as I said... emotions and temptation got the best of

me. On the other hand.... I also will not bend over backwards to be the 'needy' person in the

situation either.... I made a mistake is all. I'm through being the kind of person of past years

who used to deperately "need" someones approval, acceptance, and forgiveness. I get that

from God, and I've become able to give those things to myself, and, I get it from true, loving,

honest, caring people here. I don't need it from those that don't count in my life. That part

I have learned clearly and completely.

Your words hit home June.... "he left the marriage"....

Never thought of it that way before.

But it is so so true. Even without breaking the vows... which he did... he 'left the marriage'.

That gives me peace.

This morning in my prayer time, talking to God about it.... I told Him there must have been a

reason that God did not have me find out about the narcissism until AFTER we were divorced...

and it must have been because the marriage itself was never God's will anyway. "I" was the

one who made that choice, without asking Him about it, and I was the one who kept trying to

save it, on my own... never really asked Him about that either... just kept doing what I thought

I was "supposed" to do.... doing the wrong thing over and over and over and getting the same

bad and wrong results over and over and over as Robin continually repeated his same patterns.

I often said I had a one-sided relationship. Now I see that I really only had a one-person marriage relationship all along. He never was in the "marriage".

Another light bulb...

Thanks Jeni....

I love your way with words....

. And you too are so right. And yes, I have prayed for

them both at different times. Yet, right now, I'm just realisig, I really don't feel like praying for either of them anymore. Right now.... I just want a total cut of them out of my life....mentally and emotionally. I'm weary of feeling anything for either of them. I have myself to think about

now. I've got to get busy living my own life. It's time. I've spent teh proverbial year in 'mourning'.... and it's about over, I can feel it changing.... I'm feeling it all start to slip off of me, and out of me... and I'm ready for it to be completely gone from me... and be totally free of the past. I'm ready to focus on me now...fully. And it's a good feeling. Kind of like watching the

sun rise on a new day.... the darkness is almost totally gone away.

..just mere shadows is

all that is left.

I am seeing "clearly" what you both say..... and that too feels good. When truth is no

longer shrouded in the grips of confusion, and lies, and camaflauge. But seen clearly for

what it is... easily distinguished separately from the wrong things, the lies, the half-truths.

Thank you both for a good start to my new day.

Had a really good prayer time this morning.... words of resurrection of 'Laurie'.. that

she will be set free to come out of her tomb and live....like Lazaus, and like Jesus...

and I prayed... "Laurie, come forth !"

And so I started saying my name, calling to myself over and over... and as I did it sounded prettier and prettier. After a while, I didn't flinch... and I suddenly was seeing that I had recoilded in the past with my name... that it was associated with something bad... usually something negative said along with it.... getting in trouble, being griped at, put down in childhood etc... And this morning for the first time... my name Laurie started sounding really really pretty. It was even nice to my ears to hear my name.

And as I prayed and thought about things... about God creating me...I realised that just as God created the sun, flowers, and rainbows... he also created me... with the same specific attention to detail of what would be the sum-total of my design and

purpose and abilities... as he put in the flowers, trees, animals. He specifically designed me to be who I am... and when I realised that I also realised that no matter how "bad" other people have made me to feel about myself over the years.... I'm realising now that in God's eyes... I am beautiful... because I am what he WANTED me to be. He picked me to exist! And if God likes and loves me the way he created me... then I am a good thing! Through and through... rough edges and all. He put those in there inside me too... he personally designed the whole package of what makes me me, the good and the bad. Self acceptance is such a freeing state of mind to be in....

. God wanted me specifically and personally to exist on this earth. Who am I to argue with him about the value of my existence..

It's Easter weekend... it's Spring.

It's the time that says it's time to come back to life, to live, grow, sprout new things after a winter of hibernation. Time for baby chicks and birds to break out of their shell and live. Time for butterflies to break free from their cocoon. Time for buds to open and bring forth flowers. Time for seeds to break open and bring forth the good thing inside waiting to be set free to live and exist...and allowed to grow and increase and produce fruit. And that includes me. It's time to live. To be fully alive in all the ways he created inside me to be.

In all things, and for all of us..

..as one form of our life ends,

and a new one begins..

. And though the transition comes with some pain and heartache... the

transition itself is good. Because we go to a better form of ourselves.

That is what Easter is about. New life... and an eternal life... through Jesus Christ.

I hope I am not posting in a place that I shouldnt be

Grace, you have been a big influence in my life. I look to your writings to se if what I am feeling is normal and so far it is.

The journey you are on is one that is not going to end up in a solo ambulation. You are so special and so dear I am sure you are just about ready to couple again. This time with a very clear vision of what it takes to fulfull your destiny. Love to you Dear one.

... thank you June... and you all are welcome to write here anytime.

I seem to have been reborn to the role of caregiver/taker....I thought I did this already......when s it my time////I need to make that new life for me.....

New Life words from June....that I need to remember.

Grace, delete the bad messages for sure.

But more than that ADD ALL YOUR OWN good messages!

Affirmations are not to be taken lightly.....

You are so good hearted, God Fearing, devoted,

fun and fun to be with.....Beautiful, kind, generous

and very hard working to add a few more

REALITIES.....Selfsufficicent, creative, adventurous.

....come on, who could resist you????

Your x must have rocks where God usually puts brains!

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